Have you ever felt unseen or unloved by the ones you love? Have you ever relied solely on others to feel loved? In an earlier piece, I opined about the concept of self-love. I gave reasons why it is expedient, especially before going into a relationship.
I also established that self-love is not anti-Christian. But neither should it be selfish. In its purest form, it stems from receiving the love that God has freely given us, and from the abundance of that love, we dare to love ourselves as God created, and also extend it to the ones we love – like our significant others (1 Jn. 4:19).
Think of this love like a River that flows into the streams of our hearts through the Holy Spirit and overflows to the parched lands around us (Rom. 5:5).
However, you may be wondering: if self-love is so important as often proclaimed, how can you practice it – especially without becoming extreme? I trust that this piece will be a worthy guide. Do read on.
Practical Ways to Practice Self-Love
1. Care for Your Spiritual Life Intentionally
A healthy soul makes for a healthy body (3 Jn. 1:2). Your soul is the seat of your will, mind, and emotions. When your soul prospers, other aspects of your life do too. This is because God replenishes your spirit and your soul (Ps. 23:3, Isa. 40:30-31). So how can you care for your soul? It’s simple.
Engage in life-giving practices such as honest and consistent prayer (1 Thess. 5:17), study and meditation on the Word of God (Ps. 1:1-3, Col. 3:16), thoughtful reflection and journalling, praising God and listening to uplifting spiritual music (Heb. 13:15-16), fellowship with like-minded believers (Heb. 10:25, 2 Tim. 2:22), and also sharing the love of God (Heb. 13:16).
Learn to share your life with God – your deepest fears, concerns, hopes, and dreams that He may give you peace and rest (Matt. 11:28, Phil. 4:6-7).
2. Speak Kindly to Yourself
Ah, I used to be a heroine at self-loathing. I can berate over one mistake so much so that I forget the ninety-nine others I did excellently. But I am learning. You should too.
Ditch the temptation to fill your mind and thoughts with vitriolic comments such as “Oh, I’m so useless, “I’m never good at anything,” “I mess it up every time,” “I’m just too whack. No one wants me.” It often sounds consoling to think that you are being honest, but really, are you?
Rather, learn to see yourself as God sees you and affirm what He says about you, not the half-truths the devil whispers into your mind. Remember that you eat the fruit of your lips (Prov. 12:14; 18:20). You’re learning and growing, ami.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes, we mistake setting healthy boundaries for pride. It often looks as though if we say that some things don’t go well for or with us, it means we’re raising our noses in the air and expecting princess treatment. But the truth is, setting healthy boundaries is germane.
A city without walls has no future, so guard your heart (Prov. 4:23). You should also learn how to identify your boundaries: physical (verbal, sexual), emotional, psychological, or otherwise, and stick by them. It’s also helpful to learn how to say no respectfully and maturely to avoid becoming burdened and resentful at the ones you love later on.
You can genuinely help people. But ditch being a people pleaser so you can be more effective. Stay rooted and committed to your values as long as they align with the Truth. Get that?
4. Rest Without Apology
Resting without apology does not mean slothfulness, indolence, negligence, or ineptitude, but it sure means that you take good care of yourself enough to know that rest is not only necessary but also useful for maximum productivity.
In our hustle culture, it’s a thing to be very busy. While there are often many tasks and, truth be told, bills to pay, we can trust God to open doors that are aligned with what He will have us do to avoid taking on more than we can handle (Ps. 127:2).
Learn to take breaks, and sleep well, too. Take a cue from God Himself. He rested (Gen. 2:2), gave it as a command (Ex. 20:8-11), and Jesus took His disciples to rest too (Mk. 6:31). So rest when you need to without apology.
5. Care for Your Physical Body
Sometime back, I got down and was so enervated that I could not do anything meaningful. As I reflected, I realized that it was something that probably should not have occurred if I were more careful. That’s when it dawned on me that our bodies are not immortal. They can break down too.
Whatever work we feel we have to do, for God, our spouses and family, or even humanity, will need healthy bodies. This doesn’t mean that physically unwell people are not profitable. No, far from that. The point rather is that we should have a mindset of stewarding the bodies God has given us without idolizing them since they are His temple (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
Learn to eat nourishing, affordable meals, sleep well, drink plenty of water, and dress modestly but beautifully too. It is unwise to have to fight battles that could have been easily avoided.
6. Practice Self-Awareness, Not Self-Condemnation
Earlier, we spoke about the role of speaking kindly to yourself. It is not about negating the truth, but acknowledging that we are imperfect but willing to grow. In life, we make mistakes and do things we otherwise should not do. But we must learn to forgive ourselves.
Make time to reflect and truly assess your growth. Appreciate how far you have come while looking towards the future God has for you (Phil. 3:12-14). Again, it’s helpful to truly understand yourself, believe that God loves all of you, and because He does, you can love yourself too.
Love the good, bad, and ugly sides of you but be willing to improve where necessary. You have got this, champ.
7. Allow Yourself to Feel
When I was much younger, I was a crybaby. As I grew older, I realized that crying hardly ever solved problems. So, well, I toughened up. While that sounds plausible, I am also learning that loving yourself also entails allowing yourself to feel.
Your emotions may be misleading if you depend on them, but they can also be a great indicator of where you are wounded or where you need help. So allow yourself to feel the pain, disappointment, betrayal and you name it.
Then don’t bottle it up. Pour it all out to God as David did in the Psalms (Ps. 55:16-17), or Jesus did while He felt excruciating pain before and during His crucifixion (Lk. 22:44, Matt. 27:46). I assure you. He can handle it.
8. Celebrate Small Wins
Yes. This sounds easy-peasy but we hardly ever remember to do it. Learn to appreciate yourself. It’s not only the wrong things in your life that need a magnifying glass. The good things you do too.
Of course, it should be done in a balanced way, giving all glory back to the One whose grace and enablement give you the ability to do just anything He will have you do (Phil. 2:13).
So next time you do something right, or you smash a goal, or even if it’s something that seems negligible to others, but means so much to you, celebrate it – not necessarily with something ginormous. A little treat will do. Reward yourself.
9. Pursue Personal Growth
There’s something so fulfilling about knowing that you’re not where you used to be. We’re all imperfect, and most times, it’s the things we don’t like about ourselves that make us loathe ourselves. This is where growth comes in.
There’s no better investment (apart from your desire and will to know and serve the Lord) than investing in yourself in the right and godly way. This is because when you are healthier and whole, your relationships become richer and stronger because your love flows from the Fountain not the puddles.
So read books, watch podcasts, travel if you can, train your mind to stay positive, engage fully in those things that bring you fulfilment, and intentionally commit to practising the things you have learned as long as they align with the Truth. Do so and thank me later.
10. Choose Relationships That Nourish You
Those who stay with the wise become wise (Prov. 13:20). We encounter a plethora of people every day and numerous people throughout our lifetime. We cannot choose who we meet or engage with daily, but we can choose who we let into our lives to speak to and into us, and impact us.
It’s true that relationships should not be transactional. Jesus loved everyone and gave Himself. But we didn’t see Him and His followers hanging out much with the Pharisees – not because they were evil, but because bad company often corrupts good morals (1 Cor. 15:33).
And bad company must not always be people who engage in immorality. It can be people who consistently destructively criticize you and are your perpetual fault-finders. Choose wisely.
Finally, we have seen helpful ways to practice self-love, which include but are not limited to caring for your spiritual life, your physical body, speaking life to yourself, prioritizing rest, having and maintaining boundaries, and choosing personal growth and intentional relationships that nurture you.
Now, relax. You don’t learn self-love in a day. But if you can commit to practising one of these, say for a week, a month, or maybe a year, you’ll see progress. Also, never forget to ask Love Himself for the courage to love and take good care of yourself in a balanced, unselfish way. He loves you and wants to help you. Ask Him. To wholeness!
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