What Dating Is And What It Should Not Be

What Dating Is and What It Should Not Be

I waited for my sixteenth birthday for ages. And yes, you guessed right. I was overwhelmed by the euphoria of enjoying the “sweet-sixteen” period of my life. But wait. Is that all that there was to it? Not at all. There was something more. Sixteen was the perfect age, given by my mother, when I could finally have a boyfriend. Trust me, I could not wait.

What Dating Is and What It Should Not BeAll was good until my mother dashed my hopes on D-Day by saying that I could finally have a boyfriend when I was 18. Really? Just like that? Did she know how much I waited? But you know what? Soon, 16 turned 18, 18 turned 20, and 20 turned 22, yet nothing changed. The little girl was still waiting, still hoping.

One thing did change, though. It came to a point where I realized that, from the onset, I did not desire a boyfriend because I really knew what I wanted. I only wanted one because I wanted to be like everybody else. It was foolish not to have a ‘boo’ at that age. Besides that, I craved love and acceptance. So, I thought a boyfriend would finally love me for being me. But thanks to God, I know better now.

In our society, it seems insane not to have a romantic partner or be involved in an intimate relationship with someone. While it is true that we all have our unique journeys and cannot all be led the same way by God, I feel that not all practices are always beneficial in the long run. Am I saying that it is wrong to have a partner or be involved in an intimate relationship?

Far from that. God designed marriage to be enjoyed (Prov. 5:18). You may not truly enjoy marriage with someone you do not enjoy. But in all things, we must be careful to judge ourselves and examine our motives. Sit for a moment and ask yourself: Why am I really dating?

Before we proceed, let us see what dating means

My English dictionary defines “dating” as a romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.

Two things captivate me here. The first is that dating has an aim. The aim is not to have fun or to sample. It is to assess a partner’s suitability for a union of marriage. Does this mean that you are restricted to having only one boyfriend or girlfriend in your life? Not exactly. But why not if all things work out well?

However, if you had a sincere aim but it did not work out, then it is fine. But you will agree with me that some people only date for the fun of it and when it is finally time to get serious, their hearts have suffered so many heartbreaks that they can barely think right or recognize the right one.

What does the Bible say about dating?

The Bible does not explicitly mention the word “dating”. Not at all. But some romantic relationships in the Bible did entail the two partners involved knowing each other better for some time. Take Esther’s story as an example (Esth. 2:13-17). I also have reasons to believe (although not stated in the Bible) that for the years Jacob worked to marry Rachel, there were times they must have spoken, related or something.

Nevertheless, from our first definition of dating, we must remember that all forms of dating should have an aim. For children of God, it should be marriage. If not, what on Earth are you doing giving your heart to someone only because you want to have fun? Are you that indifferent about your destiny?

This makes me recall what I feel is a perfect dating relationship in the Bible – the story between the two lovers in the Songs of Solomon. The female lover had this to say:

“Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe–and you’re ready.” – Song 3:5

This was not coming from someone I would term a “saint” or “goody-goody” who never had a rush of dopamine. It was coming from a lady who was madly in love. But trust me, she must have had reasons to say that. So yes, I can see why many children of God do not agree with the idea of dating. I feel it is because it is a concept that has been greatly abused. Maybe the right word should be courtship. I do not know. But I want you to leave reading this with something in mind:

If you are ever to date, you must be ready. This involves spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and financial maturity. It’s not something you just do for fun.

If you have decided not to honor God, then you are free to go your own way. However, this does not mean that those who are players may not get married and all. But as a child of God, your first desire should be to please God (2 Tim. 2:4). If you are only dating to feel among, ask yourself: how does that honor God?

With that in mind, let’s see some characteristics of what dating should not be. 

a) Dating should not solely be a means of having fun 

Yes, yes. I know. Dating or courtship with someone you love should be fun. But the kind of fun I am referring to here is that which is not from a place of purpose. I have heard of people who date simply because they feel bored at home, or because they have nothing worthwhile doing.

To some people, dating is just a means of going out every Friday night, laughing and giggling even at jokes that are not so funny, without any aim in mind. It’s just to have fun. Really? That’s not helpful, you know. It’s not wrong to catch fun, or to do it with someone who means something to you. But do not do it under the umbrella of dating unless you are ready and serious.

b) Dating should not be an escape route from loneliness 

Many people dread being alone. And I get that. God created us to be social beings. In fact, He said that it is not good for a man to be alone, so HE gave him a WIFE (Gen. 2:18, 21-22). Two things stand out. First, it was God who recognized the loneliness, and next it was He who provided the WIFE. Emphasis on WIFE. He gave him a life partner, not a person with whom he can have a fling.

I say this especially to many of my female folks. Many have run into the arms of people who have played ruthlessly with their hearts. And it all started with a little loneliness. See, your singlehood is not a time to dread your loneliness. It’s a time to maximize it. God sees that you are lonely, and He is watching. When the time is right, HE will give you a partner (Is. 60:22b). Get it?

c) Dating should not be a license for sexual immorality

Take it or leave it, many people these days, especially youths, go into dating because they want to experience what they are not meant to experience. They want to experience what God has reserved for marriage. Look, sexual immorality is wrong. It is a form of dishonor to God, your Maker, Creator, and the One who dwells within you (1 Cor. 3:16-17, 6:13b-20). Again, it is a dishonor to the one God is going to give you. Faithfulness does not start when you get married. It begins now that you are single. Ask Joseph (Gen. 39:7-12).

In fact, I would dare to say that it has a greater honor now that you are single, because you are not tied to anyone and are free to do whatever you like. But hey, contrary to your opinion, your body is not yours. It never has and never will be (1 Cor. 6:19-20). It was given and one day what you have done with it will be required of you. Why don’t you honor the God who made you with your body? Trust me, when the time is right, He will send the right person. For now, stay pure!

d) Dating should not be a decision made to “feel among”

From my opening story, one could tell that having a boyfriend was not a decision I made from a place of discernment or readiness. It was just a decision made to feel among my peers. And is that not why many people date today? You feel like a fool because everyone around you has a boyfriend. But who told you that? Who told you that just because they all do, God does not have His eyes on you?

Of course, it may be a good thing for them. But it may not be for you. Not because it is necessarily wrong. But because it may not be your time yet. Paul asked in Galatians whose approval they thought he was trying to win. Of course, it was that of God (Gal. 1:10). Ask yourself: the current decision you have made to date, is it something that you seriously thought and prayed about? Or is it something you decided to do because everybody else is doing it? Have a rethink today.

e) Dating should not be a sampling technique

Truly, in dating, you are trying to assess your compatibility with someone. But if you are a child of God, then your decision to date someone must have been influenced by the Holy Spirit (Is. 30:21). It must surely not be something you do out of a random whim. So if you have decided to date, it should be something you take seriously. This does not mean that you cannot have a change of mind.

Sometimes we hear God wrongly. Not because it is His fault though. Other times, the people we think are good for us are simply not compatible with us. But the emphasis is that dating should not be a platform where you have a new girl every Sunday that you watch for her table manners, humor, likes, and dislikes. Those are not wrong in themselves. But your decision to accept a partner should be based on sagacity not whims.

f) Dating should not be a form of protection against a lack of identity 

Many people do not love themselves. They do not even like themselves. So when some random ‘Alex’ shows up and promises the world, they just run to him. I know because I have been in those shoes. Although God helped me not to run to a guy, there were times I craved that. See, the first person whose love you should crave is that of God. And guess what? He has already poured it out into your heart (Rom. 5:5). You need only to receive it.

You may think that when you finally have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you would feel all the love and acceptance you have craved for. But you may be surprised to find out that your supposed super-partner is also expecting the same from you. What would you do then? So, resist the urge to date only because you need to feel loved. Focus more on asking the Holy Spirit to reveal the Father’s love to you and help you love Him in return and also love yourself (Eph. 3:17-19). You will do yourself great good.

g) Dating is not a money-making machine 

Ah-hah. At my little corner of the world, I have seen a thing. These days, many ladies do not believe in hard work. As long as there are young, crazy-in-love sons of Adam, they gotta bill’em. The sad thing is that they do not feel anything is wrong with it. Of course, when you date someone according to God’s will, the person should be able to provide for some of your needs with gladness. However, when you become a pawn, then no one can partner with you. No one would respect you. The highest respect you can have is that of the body you offer.

And hey, when someone offers something better, you will be discarded. Look, there is value in hard work. Truly, it’s not always easy. But nothing good, worthwhile, or lasting is. Make up your mind to be diligent and do something with your hands (Prov. 10:4). The God who sees you even though you are earning something little – as long as it is legitimate and it is according to God’s will, this same God will reward you (Prov. 22:29). And at just the right time, He will send a partner. A real PARTNER.

h) Dating is not a substitute for the Holy Spirit 

All the points listed above can be summed up in this: dating, or your partner is not a substitute for your fellowship with the Holy Spirit. See, God knows what you need, even though you may think He does not (Matt. 6:8). He knows when you are serving Him faithfully. He knows your heart and love towards Him. And hey! He’s not some unjust taskmaster (Heb. 6:10). He’s a Father and a Friend (Rom. 8:15, Jn. 15:15). Focus on building a relationship with Him. Harness it. Let His love set your heart on fire.

Let Him be the reason why you live, why you breathe, even why you love. Because in fact, He is! God is not against your love story. He delights in authoring it. In fact, He already has. But you have to walk with Him if you are ever to see this love story unfold. Hey, even though nothing spoke to you as you read this article, this should: cultivate a genuine fellowship with God through the Holy Spirit. You can never go wrong with Him. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you! (Gen. 16:13, Ps. 139:1, Jer. 31:3)

To conclude, the idea of dating can be considered good only if it is done according to the will of God and with a purpose. So, quit waiting for the next ‘Alex’ or ‘Alicia’ to walk by your doorstep. Focus on being the kind of partner God desires you to be. In His time, He will make it happen (Is. 60:22b).

And if you were ignorant and you have done things you regret now, it’s never too late. God is a God of restoration (Joel 2:25-26). He can and still will rewrite your love story – if you let Him. Will you let Him? Blessings!

Written for Smartcouples.net © 2025. All rights reserved.

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