11 REASONS SELF-LOVE IS IMPORTANT BEFORE A RELATIONSHIP

I had a very shaky identity while growing up. I had a lot of people around me. But deep down, I desired to be loved. I desired to be accepted for who I was. There were times I believed no one would want to date me because I was terrible. However, as I matured, I told myself something.

I told myself that I would not go into a relationship until I was in love with myself. Maybe that was too extreme? Well, I do not know. But there were healthy reasons for that. Reasons I will be sharing in this piece. Do hang on.

As I embarked on the quest to love myself, I discovered I had a huge problem believing in self-love because I thought that as children of God, we are to deny ourselves and give no room for the expression of our fleshy selves. But as I studied Scripture, talked to mentors, and consumed articles on the topic, I saw it in a different light. I saw that self-love actually stems from having a good relationship with God.

It comes from realizing how much God loves you, and also realizing how He has lavishly poured this love into your heart by the Holy Spirit whom He has given you (Jn. 3:16, Eph. 3:18-19, Rom. 5:5).

So, by accepting God’s love, you can then love yourself in a balanced and unselfish way. You can care for God’s temple and treat yourself with compassion and respect (1 Cor. 6:19-20). This is very important as it leads to each one of us living whole, fulfilling, and thriving lives. Beyond that, it helps us build even healthier relationships with those around us – like with our partners.

So then, back to my opening story, why is self-love important before starting a relationship? You will get answers in this piece, by God’s grace. I pray this enlightens your heart to begin loving the person God uniquely created you to be, so you can boldly share this love with others. Without further ado, we begin.

Reasons why self-love is important before starting a relationship 

1) Self-love helps you see and know your worth

Imagine all that you are or could be. Imagine yourself the way God sees you. When you wholly receive God’s love into your heart, and you have the right perspective of who He is, you will begin to love yourself in a balanced way. Not only that, but it will influence the way you see and carry yourself. When you see yourself as a princess, as worthy, as not inferior, as chosen, as blessed (Jn. 1:12, 1 Pet. 2:9, Eph. 1:11), there’s a way it influences how you view yourself, people, and even relationships. Why is this important?

It is important because when you know your worth and you love yourself as the person God created, it will help you have a grounded identity, and you will not need to find your worth in your partner. In other words, it will take away codependency from you. You will not depend on your partner to find your meaning, or to validate your worth, which is unhealthy and can lead to disappointment.

You may feel unloved and think that a relationship will solve that. But in reality, it may not. Who knows? Your partner may also be on the quest to be loved too. So, what happens then? You must be filled with the love of God so much so that you can be a fountain that gives this love (1 Jn. 4:19).

Again, when you love yourself – bearing in mind that you are God’s masterpiece (Eph. 2:10) – it will take away the feelings of “I’m not enough” and replace them with a feeling of confidence in who you are as a person. Some people feel inadequate even before their partners. They do not just believe that they are worthy to be loved. I was there one time.

But accepting yourself and loving yourself will help you see that your partner is not doing you a favor by loving you. You are not trash. You are a child of the Most High God (Jn. 1:12). The right partner will see the treasure that you are and will desire to be a part of your story. But this is possible only when you choose to accept yourself and love yourself in a balanced way.

2) Self-love helps you to be authentic and original

One thing that hurts relationships is lies. These lies can manifest in one being something but pretending to be something else one is not. When you love yourself, it shows that you have accepted the person God has created. You will not need to prove to your partner who you are or are not, or try to conform to other unhealthy standards in a bid to win his or her attention. Self-love makes you confident in who you are, and it helps you live out your authentic self – as created by God.

When you are authentic and original, the right person will be attracted to you for being who you are. He or she will love you, appreciate you, and help unravel hidden parts of you that you never knew existed before. We are all created uniquely by God (Ps. 139:14). You do not have to fake it to be loved. Lies help no one (Prov. 15:4, 17:20). Be you, and the right person will love you just for being you. Okay?

3) Self-love gives you the capacity to love your partner wholly

Our Lord Jesus says to love others as we love ourselves (Mk. 12:31, Matt. 22:39, Lk. 10:27). This means that a huge part of the way we love others depends on how we love and treat ourselves. When we have not received love and do not understand what it is, we may find it difficult to give it freely in the right way (Matt. 10:8b).

Does this mean you should only love when you feel loved? Not exactly. But the truth is, when you have received God’s amazing love and you understand that you are also loved, you can love others with all your heart from the rich storehouse you have within you – and that includes your partner.

Loving can be hard work, sometimes, especially when it is not reciprocated. But when you have received Christ’s unconditional love, and you love yourself, it makes loving easier – even in hard times – because now you love looking at a model who is True Love (1 Jn. 4:16).

4) Self-love helps you know what you desire in a partner

A huge part of loving yourself is knowing and accepting yourself as a unique person that God has created. When you know yourself, you will know what you want and what is ideal for you (even as you walk in God’s will). Loving yourself will help you know the traits you desire in a partner that will complement yours and help you become all that God wants you to be.

It will help you not just to settle for anyone simply because you desire to be loved. It helps you go for what you want, identify it when you see it, and nurture it according to God’s will for you. Loving yourself as a person God has created will help you go for the best. It will help you see that because you are a princess, you need and deserve a prince. That is God’s gift to you.

5) Self-love paves the way for a deeper connection through active communication 

Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we? Think deep down. Are there conversations you relish or those you look forward to? Why do you think you do so?

When you love yourself in a balanced way, you can be your authentic self. This means that you know who you are and what you need. You know your values, beliefs, and principles in life. When you love yourself, you become self-aware and this helps you to be able to communicate your needs and ideas to your partner in a way that he or she can understand you.

It will help you enjoy deep conversations where you are free to be yourself and where trust can be the mortar that binds your relationship together. This will, in turn, cultivate and build a stronger bond between you and your partner founded on the solid rock who is Christ (Matt. 7:25).

6) Self-love helps you set healthy boundaries 

God’s Word tells us to guard our hearts (Prov. 4:23). When you love yourself as a person God has created, you will treat yourself as someone who is deserving of love. It will help you not just to accept any kind of wrong behavior all because you are desperate to be loved. Loving yourself means that you prioritize your health – both mental and physical well-being.

As a young lady or guy, loving yourself can make you set healthy boundaries such as “no sex before marriage,” and you can keep to it steadfastly (1 Cor. 6:18-20). You can also set boundaries in your relationship and not let your guard down because you are desperate. Being your true, authentic self and loving yourself will help your partner see you for who you are. And you know what? He or she will respect your boundaries if he or she truly treasures you.

7) Self-love helps you gain confidence in yourself and in the relationship

I have noticed that the more you see yourself as God sees you, and you accept and love yourself as His creation, the more confident you become. This has a way of rubbing itself on your relationships and making them better because now you will not be insecure for no reason.

Or jealous because you feel that your partner does not love you anymore. Self-love makes you so confident in yourself and in your partner that no amount of gossip or careless rumors can shake you or make you get all fussed. It leads to trust.

And even if there are reasons to be cautious, self-love gives you the wisdom and grace to handle the situations effectively without you breaking down.

8) Self-love helps you promote respect in your relationship 

I think of Esther. I think of Ruth. I even think of Mary in the Bible. I am sure that the way these women carried themselves showed their partners that there was something different about them. When you love yourself, you command respect – not in a way that your partner cowers before you – no, far from that. But he or she admires you for who you are.

He or she knows the treasure that you are. He will not play with your feelings or treat you with disdain because he can see that you do not treat yourself that way. He can see that you love him and you show that love.

When you do this, the right people will prize you and respect you for it. When they see that you care for yourself and you are taking good care of God’s temple, they will not desecrate you but join you in keeping yourself. Hey, don’t think this is too far-fetched. There are still good and godly people out there. Ask God to lead you to them (Ps. 32:8, 23:1).

9) Self-love enables you to wait and not jump into a relationship out of desperation

Many marriages today are in shambles because most spouses go into marriage not knowing what it means, out of pressure, or just to fulfill the status quo. However, when you love yourself, and you can see yourself through God’s lenses, you will be aware of His love and His great plan for you (Jer. 29:11). This will help you be at peace (Is. 26:3). It will help you stay calm knowing that the right person will meet you at the right time, just like Ruth (Ruth 2:2-12). You don’t have to fret for God makes all things beautiful in its time (Eccl. 3:11).

And because you have received God’s love and seen Him move mountains on your behalf, you are strengthened and empowered to wait on Him. Are you still waiting? Don’t give up. Still, trust Him.

10) Self-love enables you to identify toxic and abusive relationships 

God has a beautiful plan for each one of us. He wants us to live abundant lives (Jn. 10:10). And He has given us bodies so we can house these lives and make good use of His deposit in us (2 Tim. 1:14). When you partner with God and you love yourself, you will be intentional about taking care of yourself and not letting a toxic partner ruin your mind or your body.

When you love yourself, you can identify partners who are toxic, abusive, and are not the will of God for your life. Loving yourself as a person God has created is valuing God’s Holy Temple that you are. It will help you know when to help a partner who is struggling and when to simply say, “It’s time to move on.” Whichever, you are confident in God’s plan and goodness for your life and you are not settling for anything less.

11) Self-love helps you become a better, healed partner in your relationship 

Many people get into relationships carrying baggage of hurt, traumas, and terrible experiences they may not have healed from. As you would expect, these tendencies begin to surface in the relationship bringing more hurt to the people involved. When you love yourself, you will desire to grow, to heal, to be a better partner for your spouse and your kids. It will make you want to evolve so you can be a partner of value to the man or woman God will lead you to.

It will help you to be joyful, to see beyond the now, and to glean into the great future God has ahead of you. Self-love is not selfishness. Far from that. True self-love is accepting Christ’s love and going all out to show that love in the best way you can (1 Jn. 4:19 MSG).

Finally, it is necessary that you love yourself in a balanced way before starting a relationship or committing to a marriage. It saves you so much, and it has a lot of benefits.

If you still find it difficult to love yourself for any reason, I am inviting you on a love walk with your Father in Heaven. He loves you and prizes you so much. It is only when you have accepted His love that you can love yourself and love your partner in the right way, too.

So then, no long talk. Will you join me on this love walk?

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