11 Ways to Be Authentically You in a Relationship
I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to not just click with your person. You don’t like how you look. Or the way you dress. Or are not content with the things you have. Simply put, you don’t just like you. Being you means being the awkward one, or the poor one, or the ‘ugly’ one, or the over-spiritual one.
So you go with the easier route – you fake it. You pretend. You become who everyone else wants you to be because that’s when you can be accepted. You become a liar not because you were taught to, but because it’s the only way to win the hearts of the ones you love. You imagine the real you being unravelled, but cringe at the very thought.
But hey, what if I told you that you don’t have to pretend? No, not one bit. What if I told you that you can quit the charade and embrace the you God created while striving to be a better version of yourself, even in your relationships? Bet it sounds like freedom, right?
True love gives you the courage to be real. It gives you the courage to be you. Our Bridegroom didn’t fake it when He was here with us. And boy! He was poor, humble, and not your typical idea of “partner material”(Isa. 53:2). But He was and still is true. Not one thing He said about Himself has proved false, and He invites us into such authenticity in our relationship with Him and the ones we love.
So, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? In a world where pretense is way easier, how can you be authentically you – not the model on the magazine, the celebrity in the movie, your sibling, neighbor, friend, or even who your partner expects you to be? Read on to find out!
Ways to Be Authentically You in a Relationship
1. Know and Love Yourself Before Giving Yourself
If you do not know who you are, then you will find it hard to be or give your true self in a relationship. So make an honest assessment of yourself. Consider your strengths, weaknesses, values, principles, personality, likes, dislikes, quirks, and all that. You can and should partner with God in the process.
He created you, so He knows you and will show you who you truly are (Jer. 1:5, Ps. 139:13-14, 23). Now, after knowing yourself, you have to accept yourself and love the you God created. If you don’t know and value yourself, it will be hard to stay true to you. Again, you don’t know yourself in a day, but if you commit to the process, you should have a clear idea about your person in no time.
2. Communicate Honestly, Not Perfectly
I totally get it. It’s quite hard to be honest these days. There are so many fakes, and the world gives us an image or standard of perfection that we all should be or aspire to be. In trying to fit into this mould, we find ourselves lying or pretending. Effective communication is one of the traits of an auspicious relationship.
But where there is falsehood in communication, there can be nothing lasting. The Bible encourages us to speak the truth to others in love (Eph. 4:15, Col. 3:9). So be authentic, and say the truth you have discovered about yourself. Don’t fake it. The right people will love the real you.
3. Set and Respect Healthy Boundaries
Once you know yourself and have communicated who you are honestly, it’s also important to establish your boundaries. These may be physical, sexual (1 Cor. 6:19–20), emotional, psychological, and so on. Be clear about them and be sure to raise a signal once you feel any of them violated.
Your heart is so precious that God desires it to be guarded for your good (Prov. 4:23). Nevertheless, remember that just as you have boundaries that you expect and desire to be respected, your partner also has the same. So let the respect be mutual.
4. Stop Performing for Approval
We often pretend because deep down, we crave the approval of the ones we love or desire. It is not bad to desire a good thing, but if you have to pretend or put up a false label about yourself to prove your worth to a partner, then it’s all wrong. Quit performing for approval (Gal. 1:10).
Depending on others for it is simply draining and unfulfilling. Simply be you and do you. If anything, let your desire for approval lead you into the courtroom of the Audience of One. If He approves of you (which He always does), you can trust that He will bring the right people your way who will approve of the real you, too.
5. Practice Emotional Vulnerability
The major problem with this is that it is so difficult to trust people these days. Most partners in a relationship simply want the benefits, not the person. But this is where wholesome relationships built on Christ are not just advisable, but paramount.
A partner who truly knows Christ is someone you do not have to be afraid to be vulnerable with. Share your dreams, fears, hopes, quirks, joys, and woes with him or her (Jas. 5:16). Let your partner see the person behind the mask, behind the boss lady, behind the macho. It builds intimacy and helps you be you.
6. Align Your Actions With Your Values
It is inane when we call ourselves children of God, but fail to live up to our standard as heirs and ambassadors of Christ (Jas. 1:22). It’s the same with a relationship. You can only be authentic when what you have said aligns with what you do and how you behave.
There’s no use saying you do not lie, cheat, or steal, but you are caught doing the same thing. It just makes no sense at all. So live by what you say. Be a person of integrity (Prov. 10:9). Let your partner be able to vouch for your person, whatever the situation. That is authenticity at its best.
7. Keep Your Individual Identity Alive
Killing your ambitions, hobbies, friends, dreams, or aspirations to maintain a relationship will drain you. Your identity (your roles apart from your identity in Christ) are some of the things that make you who you are. They were given to you by God. I don’t just love reading and writing by chance. I believe it’s how God wired me.
You also have something you love. It may be cooking, sport, horse riding, or something people may not even ‘approve’ of (a good thing though). Being authentic means still enjoying these and maintaining your identity without losing them to please someone (1 Cor. 7:23). There’s a place for compromise, but losing yourself is a no-no.
8. Don’t Hide Red Flags or Discomfort
When you’re in a relationship with someone, especially one whom you want to keep and hold close, there’s the temptation to stay quiet and agree to everything in the name of “keeping the peace”. While it’s not advisable to get peevish about every offense, there are times when you feel that your values are violated, or something just doesn’t sit right with you.
In times like these, it’s wise to speak up respectfully and maturely. An open rebuke may actually be your greatest act of love (Prov. 27:5–6). A partner who loves and respects you will appreciate it, correct you lovingly, or improve where necessary, and also act accordingly.
9. Practice Self Awareness
Self-awareness is at the core of being authentic. One of the ways you can become more self-aware is by taking time daily or as often as you can to reflect on your behavior, values, and ethics. No matter how pristine and perfect we think we are, we are often prone to bad behavior or even forgetfulness.
So we all need time to examine ourselves in the light of God’s Word, what we have discovered about ourselves, and even the opinions of others, to discern if we are still in the right (Lam. 3:40). This demands honesty and a willing heart ready to make changes where necessary.
10. Grow, Don’t Fake Growth
Everything we have said has touched on the power of honesty in being authentic. There are times we fake growth so as to appear wise, ready, or mature enough. To have a desire to grow is commendable, but deceitful growth is no growth at all.
Situations often repeat themselves – just masked in different suits – to test our growth. So commit to growth. Be honest about where you are and be intentional in working on areas where you need to improve. In the end, we may plant and water, but God alone makes us grow (1 Cor. 3:6). So dare to grow!
11. Invite God Into Your Identity and Love Story
Being a child of God makes you an heir(ess) in God’s family (Rom. 8:15-17, 1 Pet. 2:9). When your identity is grounded first in who you are in Christ, it will be quite an onerous task to take it away from you. When you know your worth as your Father’s daughter, you won’t hinge it on a partner’s fleeting approval.
God works on our hearts and helps us become more like Him. When our relationship is endorsed by Him, we can be free to be our true selves without fear of rejection, knowing that even if we are rejected by men, God’s love, approval, and high estimation of us is eternal (Rom. 8:35, Jer. 31:3). So find God that you may find you.
Finally, this piece has exposed us to ways to be authentic in a world where pretense has a 5-star rating. However, we cannot do this by ourselves. We must learn from the Truth Himself and let Him transform us into His image.
Again, if we desire to be accepted for who we truly are – quirks and all, then we must be ready to accept our partners too – quirks and all. Let authenticity not fuel complacency, but let it be a drive for excellent and exemplary living. Jesus loves you, my friend, just for being you. So be you!
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