15 Effects Of A Dysfunctional Home
In our last episode on dysfunctional homes, we spoke to an extent about what a dysfunctional home is, what can lead to a dysfunctional home and the signs and symptoms of a dysfunctional home. We made it clear that a dysfunctional home is not God’s idea of an ideal home and that such a home does not bring Him glory even though as humans, we are all imperfect beings with characteristic flaws (Col. 3:17-21).
A dysfunctional home as we know is one characterized by conflict, chaos, and a lack of unity and empathy. If a home would be dysfunctional and cause no problems, maybe we would not be so concerned. But it is obvious that apart from the displeasure such a home brings to God, its sting always leaves a mark on the lives of its victims, especially those of the children, who may suffer the brunt of it for most of their lives.
Living in a dysfunctional home is coupled with tons of headaches, pain, and regret. Apart from that, it can set its members, (especially the kids) on a path of eternal doom and gloom. One of the reasons why God gives us children in the first place is so we can give them His immeasurable love and a life that enables them to thrive and be all that He wants them to be (Deut. 11:18-19, Eph. 6:4, Col. 3:21, 1 Thess. 2:7). However, a dysfunctional home assures nothing of the sort.
Partners in a dysfunctional home are not left out either, as they sit face to face at tables with regret and pain – never for once enjoying the beauty of marriage as God has intended (Gen. 2:24, Eccl. 9:9, Jer. 29:6).
The second part of this article outlines some of the effects a dysfunctional home can have on its members (especially the kids). It proffers some solutions to remedy this dysfunction and the effects caused by it in the home. Kindly read till the end with a heart of understanding and an open mind and I pray God gives you the healing you desire.
We now go into the effects of a dysfunctional home.
1. KIDS MISS OUT ON BEING KIDS:
In the first part of this piece, we noted that one of the signs of a dysfunctional home is that there is some sort of role reversal. Because of this, the kids, (especially the grown-ups) tend to become adults while still very young. These kids miss out on the experience of just being who they are supposed to be at that particular moment of their lives – kids! They miss out on days of fun, laughter and just being silly. Why? Simply because they have to play the role of mom to their siblings, or the role of dad to their moms or the role of the mortar that unites the whole family together.
Although it seems that these children mature early and grow up to be serious-minded individuals, it does not rule out the fact that these kids grow up to be stiff, rigid individuals who can hardly enjoy fun moments with friends and even family later on in the future. God has a perfect timing for everything; a time to be an adult and a time to be a child included (Eccl. 3:1). I honestly believe that He wants us to enjoy every moment of it. He wants us to grow alright, but certainly not at the expense of skipping our childhood days. If God never wanted us to enjoy the days of childhood but just skyrocket into adulthood, He probably would have never made us children in the first place.
2. MENTAL HEALTH RISKS:
At tender ages, children from dysfunctional homes are exposed to trauma, stress, protracted lack, emotional starvation, and even sexual or domestic abuse. These problems can have lasting effects on the minds of these children. At their ages, their brains are not yet well developed for all the stressors coming their way. So, most of these kids fall victim to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), borderline depression, or some other mental illness. If care is not taken, these kids’ lives become much worse than before; they contemplate suicide and become burdens to those around them. It becomes even fatal when you stop to consider the effect this may have on their future marriages.
3. FINDING HOMES IN ADDICTION:
When all a child hears every single day are words of hurt and hatred; when he/she has no one to confide in or does not feel safe or loved in his/her home or when a child constantly sees his/her parents engaging in feuds, such a child may resort to what he/she feels can offer some comfort or help him/her cope. In some cases, such a child may find this comfort in food which of course, may lead to eating disorders or he/she may find it in shopping just so they can forget the pain, but this may just make them overspenders in the long run.
Now food and shopping seem a bit innocent and you may feel, “Well, I’ve got no issue with that.” But then, some other kids who may have already been exposed to some sort of peer pressure or whose parents may be substance abusers may end up finding a new home in the arms of these substances. They feel it provides them with relief and it is all they need. However, we know that it is certainly not, and it can have lasting impressions on them that may alter the rest of their lives negatively.
4. EXPERIENCING DIFFICULTY FORMING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS:
At some point in my life, I noticed a friend of mine never felt free when around me and found it difficult to make or keep other friends apart from me. Going deeper, I realized that she had trust issues. Coming from a home where everything she did was viewed as not being right and was always a cause for her to be shouted at, she withdrew, developed trust issues, and began to see everyone around her as suspicious. She felt that even those who were too good to her probably needed favors from her and would hurt her in the long run. She held on to this belief so hard for a long time and it really affected her as it robbed her of the special people who God had placed on her path and short-circuited meaningful relationships that would have been quite rewarding. The sad thing is, this is actually relatable to most kids from dysfunctional homes.
5. IT FUELS HATRED FOR OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY:
Most children who grow up in dysfunctional homes grow up to hate their parents as they feel they are responsible for the problems in their lives. Most grow up nursing resentment and anger at those parents who they feel wrecked their lives. It also brings a form of discord where some kids love a particular parent and hate the other probably because of what they have seen or been told. If this is not checked earlier on, these children grow up with wicked hearts and may find it very difficult to ever forgive or let go.
In extreme cases, such kids may resort to violence and become pawns for any kind of mayhem in society. In other cases, it can cause confusion in the minds of the younger kids as they do not know which parent they are to follow. They are left wondering who is actually right. Once they are divided, they begin to have clashes amongst themselves, leaving the child who tries to hold the family together in a state of confusion.
6. THEY BECOME ANGRY LION(ESSES):
I know of a girl who although cheerful, gets very angry and violent when she is approached by others, especially the opposite sex. One of the defensive mechanisms some kids develop as they live every day in dysfunctional homes is violent behavior. They feel since they have been taken advantage of all their lives, now that they are a bit grown, the only remedy they have is to be in control of their situations and other people around them all the time. They bark at others a lot, even those who try to lend a helping hand. They get angry at the slightest provocations especially when they sense people trying to take advantage of them. They make for terrible parents and horrible bosses.
7. THEY HAVE A HARD TIME WITH THEIR BOOKS:
While preparing for a paper that was to be held the next day, a young girl witnessed her both parents fighting. Though she tried to cope and study hard, she just could not. Yes, she did not fail the paper but she was sure that that was not her ‘A’ game. Most kids from dysfunctional homes struggle to study well. It may be that they lack adequate nutrition or balanced diets needed for proper brain functioning or they may lack the tuition and other dues needed for their upkeep in school.
Other times, they may lack the love and support of their parents and feel inferior to their classmates. It’s a great thing for your kid to know that as a parent, you believe in them and are cheering them on. However, if this is lacking, they may grow up thinking that they are failures not necessarily because they can’t win but because those preconceived notions they have in their minds make them feel limited (Prov. 23:7).
8. THEY GROW UP HAVING THE PHOBIA FOR LOVE:
For most girls who grew up with abusive fathers or boys who grew up with unfaithful mothers, it can be hard for these kids to convince themselves that the idea of marriage is something they should give a shot at. Most of these kids grow up not liking the idea of marriage not because they necessarily do not want to find love someday, but because they feel this fear seeping in through their bones; that their marriages may turn out like those of their parents or that they may be taken advantage of in their future homes. To this end, they withdraw from the opposite sex, have difficulties believing even those that are true, and may end up with a trucker load of failed relationships.
9. THEY WITHDRAW AND BECOME ISOLATED:
Kids from dysfunctional homes spend most of their days isolated and withdrawn. They hardly open up to others for fear of being judged or mocked for the state of their homes. Most kids who have introverted temperaments keep themselves shut and never express themselves even with other kids their age. Because their parents are hardly ever there, they grow up alone and withdrawn. Even the spouses who are at the receiving end of the abuse in a dysfunctional home spend their time lonely and scared. Recently, I’ve realized that even the abusers in dysfunctional homes also spend their time lonely in the long run, that is, when all others have developed hatred for them.
10. THEY BECOME OBSESSED WITH THE DISEASE TO PLEASE:
Children who grow up in dysfunctional homes have spent most of their lives trying to please unappeasable parents. These children have grown up in homes where their best was never enough. It’s either they were trying to escape Dad’s harsh frown or keep the tears off Mom’s face. To this end, these kids grow up with the disease to please. At their workplaces, they do everything they can to please their bosses or colleagues to their detriment. The same thing goes for their friendships and even the homes they build in the future. When people have noticed this trait about them, they can use it unfairly to their advantage. People pleasing has always had a bad side. Apart from people manipulating you, the simple fact remains that you can’t please the whole world at the same time (1 Thess. 2:4, Gal. 1:10). Even God who can won’t.
11. LOW SELF ESTEEM:
Some children with characteristic temperaments may indeed portray some low self-esteem indices even without necessarily growing up in a dysfunctional home. But growing up in a dysfunctional home can serve to deepen such an index if it was already there or create one that was never there. Some children never get the courage to face their peers or even their juniors because of their predicament back at home. Some have faced bouts of embarrassment from their parents and others whose parents have constantly slammed and shut them up have grown up feeling unworthy, ashamed, and unable to speak up for themselves. Do you know what this causes? They never live their best lives. That is not what God envisages for His children. He desires to see them bold; challenging every giant that comes their way through His power which is mightily working within them (2 Tim. 1:7, Phil. 2:13, Eph. 3:20).
12. FEELING OVERLY SELF-CRITICAL:
Since the kids are made to believe that most of the problems in the home are caused by them, they grow up being overly critical of themselves. They wonder always if they are doing the perfect thing and they beat themselves up each time they fall short or make a mistake rather than growing up and learning from their mistakes.
13. THEY LACK HEALTHY PARENTAL TECHNIQUES:
Even when we feel we can change it, most kids learn from what they see than what they hear. If not for help from God, kids who have grown up in dysfunctional homes eventually end up replaying the same terrible things that they grew up to see from their parents in their future homes unconsciously. Others who may desperately want to change their homes from what they experienced as children, but lack the right knowledge and wisdom to go about it, end up growing kids who they are afraid to discipline or correct. This is because they fear that they might lose their kids or that they would be confronted with the thought that they are like their own parents. The sad thing is that they end up destroying their homes with their very own hands instead of building them.
14. IT COULD INFLICT SCARS OR WORSE, DEATH:
I have heard of children or partners who have lost their lives as a result of living in dysfunctional homes. Others have become paralyzed, gotten burns, and even permanent scars. Sad to say, but it is true.
15. ROBBING YOU OF THE GREAT LIFE GOD HAS FOR YOU:
God has good plans for each one of us (Jer. 29:11). Partners operating a dysfunctional home never enjoy the blessings of marriage God wants for them and there is a tendency for them missing out on a relationship with Him on earth and even in eternity. There are some partners who live every single day of their lives in frustration watching their children suffer but can barely do anything about it. Children from dysfunctional homes if not helped by God end up as a nuisance to society and end up missing out on God’s amazing purpose for them.
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