God is a God of restoration. He’s a God of new beginnings. I don’t know what has gone wrong in your life. Maybe things have gone haywire in your marriage. Or you just stepped out of a relationship that broke your heart. Or it could be that you have gone through so much pain while growing up that you are now stuck.
The good news is that God restores (Joel 2:25-26, Ps. 23:3; 71:20). He promises to give you beauty for ashes, a spirit of praise and not of heaviness, and a double portion for your shame (Isa. 61:3-7). It’s thrilling to know that the nonpareil superhero referred to in the chapter revealing these promises is Christ Himself. I know it’s hard to believe again, to hope again, or move forward. But it’s a new year, and it can be the start of something new. Do you believe?
Isaiah 43:18-19 says something powerful. It says:
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
So you see, God is set to do a new thing. But wait, He first requires that you forget the former things and let go of the past. Now that’s a difficult one, eh? How on earth can you do that?
In this piece, I will share helpful ways that you can imbibe to let go of the past and move forward boldly into the beautiful future that God has for you. I pray it blesses your heart. Without further ado, let’s begin.
How To Let Go of the Past And Move Forward Boldly
1 Acknowledge the Past Without Living in It
It is a futile chase to think that we can ignore the past and move on. It is futile not because we cannot shelve pain into some closet in our hearts, but because the problem with shelving it is that once there’s a trigger, we take it and become resentful again.
One of the best ways to deal with the past and move forward is by acknowledging it. This is where you have to be honest with yourself. You have to sit with it, tell yourself that it actually happened, identify what hurt, who you’re holding in your cell of offenders, and the things that still trigger that hurt. It is a hard and humbling process, because it feels like reopening your wounds all over again.
But sometimes, it is all you need to move forward. Now, as you acknowledge the past, refuse pertinently to stay bound in it. Choose to believe that you can overcome with God’s power working within you. A journal can be helpful in processing your pain. Ask God to search your heart, and hold nothing back (Ps. 139:23-24).
2. Practice Intentional Forgiveness
After being honest with yourself, you may realize that there has been so much hurt caused by others, say your spouse, ex, or a figure in your life when you were growing up. The memories themselves may make you cringe and you may flare up in anger all over again.
Now, I must tell you that it’s okay to feel hurt. In fact, it’s okay to be angry at the injustice done to you. But there’s something that will not be okay. When you dwell on the hurt, and you refuse to forgive. Forgiving the people who hurt you can be challenging, especially if they’re close or it seems you have lost a significant part of your life because of them. But it is necessary.
Holding people in a mental prison is actually an illusion. This is because they’re walking free, while you writhe in bitterness. You have to let go (Col. 3:13) and choose to quit the blame game. Rather, take responsibility for your actions. Learn to forgive yourself, and if necessary, God too – not because He needs your forgiveness, but because you choose to quit blaming Him for the hurt.
3. Stop Rehearsing Old Failures
Imagine you had a permanent Christmas ringtone set on your phone. Even though it’s a very valid ringtone, it will sound weird if people hear it playing every single day because not every day is Christmas. Although a Christmas ringtone is surely more worthy than old failures, you can agree that no one likes it when you keep repeating what has happened in the past.
While it’s a good thing to have acknowledged your past and to be honest about it, continually going back to it only keeps you stuck. It’s true that there are times when these can come back to memory, even though you’re truly healing. But you don’t have to intentionally keep reminding yourself or others about the past.
When God forgives us, He puts our past behind Him (Ps. 103:12). He never brings it up again. It is only the tactic of the accuser because he knows how powerful guilt is. For the sake of those you love, and even for yourself, ask God for grace to “forget”. Or better still, remember – not with regret, but with hope.
4. Release Unrealistic Expectations of the Future
Sometimes the past hurts us because of what we envisioned the future to be. Maybe you dreamed of a happy marriage without problems, or that you would be happily married to the love of your life now. Still, maybe you look back and wish that if some things had not occurred while you were growing up, your future would be better.
One thing we must all realize is that the word, “perfect” does not characterize this earth. There are bound to be missing pages, things you consider jargon, or unexpected skips in the story God is writing with your life. So you need to make peace with what happened and realize that this is a fallen world.
As humans, we may plan our course, but only God can establish our steps and make our stories beautiful (Prov. 16:9). Why don’t you fall in love with the idea that this is a real world not a fantasy, yet God is supreme. Not just that, He loves you and will work all things for your good just like He did for Joseph (Rom. 8:28, Gen. 50:20).
5. Redefine Identity Beyond Pain
There’s a tendency to see yourself in the light of the misfortune that may have happened to you. Maybe you had a divorce, or a breakup, or a rejection, betrayal, or you were abused while growing up. Without even realizing it, you can begin to associate yourself with these false labels.
You know the bad thing about it? Our identity most often influences our actions or choices. If you see yourself as unworthy of love and only doomed for rejection, you will act that way and even miss out on genuine people who come your way.
You must redefine your identity in the light of the Truth of God’s Word. You must learn to see yourself as God sees you. You are redeemed, blessed, whole, complete, worthy, accepted, valuable, and loved, not because of anything you have done, or anything others have or have not done to you, but because of Christ, who He is, and what He has done (See Eph. 1).
6. Relearn Trust — Gently and Wisely
People hurt people – intentionally or unintentionally. It’s natural, even when we follow Christ truly. When you have been hurt, the natural inclination is to retreat into a shell or become overly defensive. When you choose the former, it’s quite easy to become suspicious of others.
Trusting others becomes hard. And you may even close your heart to love completely. While that can look on the surface as a good defense mechanism, it can become a problem when you can no longer trust and be vulnerable with genuine people who can help you.
In such a case, you have to learn to trust again – slowly but wisely. Guard your heart without walling good people out (Prov. 4:23). And remember to show compassion to yourself. You’re learning, growing, and healing. Got that?
7. Choose Growth Over Comfort
The process of overcoming what has happened to you in the past is not always a walk in the park. No one likes confronting the hurt, but it is necessary if you must move forward into the abundance that God has for you. That’s why you must choose growth over comfort.
Growth may vary. For you, it may be identifying triggers and unlearning unhealthy patterns that predispose you to wrong behavior. One of the best ways to do this is by committing to studying God’s Word. It has the power to renew your mind and transform your life (Rom. 12:2). You may also need to seek a Christian counselor or therapist, or maybe a mature believer who listens with mercy, not judgment.
Books, podcasts, and blogs can help too, but it’s helpful to look for people who have walked a similar path as yours, not because they’re perfect, but because if you find their story relatable, it shows you what works. But be careful who you follow so you don’t end up worse than before. Okay?
8. Create New Memories to Replace Old Pain
Just as old memories can be stored and can accumulate to cause deep pain, so new memories can be created to replace them. I’m a fan of worship music. I like to feel deeply what I listen to. But one day I could feel God telling me that I hardly sang songs magnifying God. I only sang songs telling of His sovereignty in the pain I felt. While that wasn’t all that wrong, if I wanted a different result, I needed a new input.
In your case, it must not be a change of music, though that can really help to shift your perspective. It can be a change of environment if you’re still single, or an intentional date with your spouse where you remember what made you fall in love in the first place. Then you follow it up with more interesting memories, and don’t forget to make faith-based confessions that will shape a new reality for you (2 Cor. 4:13).
Refuse to look, sound, or act pathetically. While it’s true that there’s a ton of memories that got you bitter and resentful in the first place, you can overcome them with richer and more helpful memories. Refuse to dwell on the past. Believe God crazily and move forward in faith!
9. Invite God Into the New Chapter
This might be the last on my list, but it’s the most important. Many times, we try to change ourselves or motivate ourselves to good behavior. But what we forget is that only God can cause us to grow (1 Cor. 3:6). Only His Spirit can bring about change from the inside out (2 Cor. 3:18).
The enemy does not really need to physically torture you. All he needs to do is keep you in a mental prison that keeps you stuck and hinders you from entering boldly the beautiful future that God has for you. Because you’re not just fighting your own past, you need to take those wrong thoughts captive to Christ (2 Cor. 10:4-5).
Invite God into your healing process. Many a time we think He doesn’t care and we even blame Him for our circumstances. But that is wrong. He truly cares (Ps. 34:18, 1 Pet. 5:7, Phil. 4:6-7). He’s not the author of pain, and your pain is never inane. He can surely write a new chapter in your story if you let Him. Will you let Him?
To conclude, you must remember that letting go of the past and moving forward boldly is not a crash course. Just like it has taken some time for you to get hurt, you also need time to heal. So be patient with yourself, others, and the process. Take one step of faith at a time, and intentionally keep ‘forgetting’ what is behind and straining towards what is ahead (Phil. 3:13-14).
Remember that God loves you. And even though the enemy has taken what you cherish, God has come to restore and give you the abundant life He’s promised you (Jn. 10:10). So hold onto it by faith. Now, what are you still waiting for? Prepare to move forward boldly, champ (Deut. 1:6-8). Your future awaits. Peace!
unt, Tessy, her anxiety grew worse. She should have found solace in her girlfriends, but now, could she really refer to them as those? Rose, the last on the marriage list had just called to say excitedly that she had a ring on her finger earlier that morning. This compounded her anxiety. Not knowing what to do next, she made her case before God.
Okay. Story time’s over. But let me ask? Are you in a situation just like Maya? Do not worry, this piece is especially for you. May you find the hope you strongly seek even as you read through this.
It’s no wonder that we all, at a stage in our lives, desire to get married and to raise a home. At this side of the globe I’m in, marriage is indeed a “thing.” It’s accompanied by so much. Girls are literally trained from when they are born to be suitable for their husbands when married.
Now don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing amiss in praying and preparing your young daughter for her future. What I find appalling, however, is that there would come a certain time and age when if you have not committed, you become a “sorry” case. Again, there’s nothing wrong with marrying early. It’s a good thing. I will recommend that to anyone.
But when the emphasis from family, people, and culture is geared towards mounting pressure on a female so she can just settle down without taking into due consideration or guiding her to align with God’s will for her life, I feel that there is a major problem. Our Father in Heaven has a set time for all of His purposes (Eccl. 3:1). What makes sense is to decipher His plan and walk by it, not hasten the process because we do not want to offend society.
Again, I am not saying desiring to marry is a wrong thing. But it should be in God’s timing, not something that you rush into as a result of pressure.
Why do I emphasize this? I do so because desperation brings with it so many problems. Some of which will be discussed in this piece. I pray that as you read, you are enlightened to wait on God, maximize your singlehood, be happy for others, and be bold enough to step out at just the right time. Stay with me.
Before we continue, let us briefly consider what it means to be desperate for marriage.
To be desperate means to be in a state where you have given up hope or expectation. It is when you are in a state of despair or hopelessness. Now, let us apply it to marriage. Being desperate to get married means having an intense, sometimes overwhelming, urgency to enter marriage, often at the expense of wisdom, discernment, or personal well-being. This desperation can stem from various internal or external pressures and may lead to poor relationship choices. Why would someone be desperate to get married? You may ask. Well, there are a couple of reasons. Let me mention a few:
– Cultural or family pressure: This is where your parents and “concerned” relatives around you keep asking about your “man“ or “woman” and you can’t help but succumb.
– Biological clock concerns: This means you are worried that you are getting older and your chances of bearing children are getting slimmer by the day.
– Loneliness: This is when you are just so tired of being alone and you want company, so you choose to commit without even considering.
– Fear of missing out (FOMO): Here, all of your friends and siblings have left the single-hood and you do not want to be left out, so you commit against your wish.
– Unrealistic romantic ideals: In this case, you do not have the love of Christ deep-seated within you that enables you to love yourself or have a sense of self-worth, so you believe that marriage will make you happy or give you the joy that you seek.
When you notice these triggers, then you should realize that you may be prone to marrying out of desperation. How, then, would you know if you are desperate? Here’s how:
– You let down your standards and ignore red flags
– You are more concerned about getting married to please those around you, not because it’s God’s will or timing for you
– You fear being alone and regard singleness as a curse rather than a phase of growth
– You are ready to commit without fully understanding and connecting with your partner
– You find yourself unworthy, so you depend on your partner to validate your worth
There are many reasons why being desperate to get married is usually unhelpful in the long run. Let us consider a few:
1. Desperation Clouds Your Judgment
Have you ever been so hungry that all you needed was a meal? I think of Esau as I write this. The hairy hunter was so desperate to satisfy his hunger that he sold his birthright (Gen. 25:29-34). He never for once considered the gravity of his choice until later when even though he sought it with tears, he could not redeem it (Heb. 12:16-17).
It’s the same thing with marriage. When you are so desperate to get married, there’s a way you are blinded to the flaws and red flags displayed by your partner. Of course, no one is perfect, but desperation does not give you the chance to wait to think before you leap. It feels as though there is a force urging you saying: “Just do it. It will get better eventually.” Sadly, it only gets better in a few rare cases.
God is intentional about telling us to trust His judgment, not ours, especially at key junctions of our lives like marriage (Prov. 3:5-6). But you know what? We can barely wait on or heed God’s advice, or those of His people around us when we are so desperate to get married.
2. You Risk Settling for Less
When you commit out of desperation and not out of the will of God, or from a place of love and genuine connection with your partner, you seriously risk settling for less. Committing out of desperation means that you would ignore the red flags and even compromise your values and standards. You will opt for one who is “available” and not one who is “compatible.” The problem is that the probability of sustaining a great marriage with just any available random person is quite low. He or she may not be the idea God has in mind for you.
Listen. As a child of God, God has the best in mind and in store for you (Jer. 29:11). You may indeed have or have not made some mistakes and yes, time is running out. But hey! I want to encourage you today to wait on God and trust Him (Ps. 27:14). It’s never too late with Him. You can bet on that.
3. Marriage Won’t Fix The Internal Issues You Battle With
As I write this, my mind is drawn to Leah in the Bible. Her story always gets to me. From my perspective, Leah may have had a “thing” feeling unloved or rejected by suitors. In a bid to have her married at all costs, her father planned a marriage for her to Jacob against his wish. While it’s true that God did look upon Leah with favor, her ordeals with Jacob, even in naming her children, clearly show that she may have always been begging for his love and attention (Gen. 29:17;22-35).
If you get married out of the desperation to feel loved and wanted, you may be disappointed to find out that your partner also expects you to fill that void in his or her life. What would you then, especially if it’s not even a godly, Christ-centered home? You stand the risk of enduring the marriage rather than enjoying it.
See, the only person who can fill the God-shaped hole in your heart is God. It makes so much sense since He shaped it, right? (although that is metaphorical). But you have to be serious about your relationship with God. No more time for drifting. Let God help you become so aware of His love graciously poured out within you (Rom. 5:5). Let Him give you a sense of identity and help you be grounded in Him. When this happens, you can be sure that at just the right time, He will make it happen (Is. 60:22).
4. Desperation Undermines Your Self-Worth
This is almost similar to the point above. When your partner notices that you want to commit at all costs, he or she can take undue advantage of you and treat you any way he or she wants. Why? Simply because he or she knows that in the end, you would still come running.
Again, as a partner, being desperate can make you do things you may have not wanted to do. For example, you may have planned to honor God with your body, but because your partner demands it, and you want to please him or her at all costs, you will end up succumbing to his or her wrong desire.
Being desperate does not allow you to be yourself. You would just be a puppet played around by your partner – which is not meant to be so.
5. It Can Lead to Unhealthy Relationships
Marriage is no child’s play. Getting in it ideally means staying till the very end, for better, for worse – until death do you both part. Imagine committing out of desperation only to find a monster in your home. You may be sentenced to a life of emotional, psychological, social, verbal, and even physical abuse. If you are not careful, it may lead to your untimely death, although we do not pray for that.
But then, it is just the sad reality of some people out there, and the worst fact is that they cannot even speak up out of shame. Don’t you think it is better to endure for a while and enjoy tomorrow? Do you prefer escaping the mockery of now only to be confronted with something greater tomorrow? Please, my dear, consider again.
6. Rushed Decisions Often Lead to Regret
Take a look at the current situations you are facing. Are you happy with them? Can you look with confidence at the decisions you made when you were younger and thank the Lord for them? Or do you look with regret and feel like being given a chance to start all over? I can tell you for free that there is such a thing as regret, and it is never a nice guest.
It will plague your mind and even steal your joy and peace. Not before long, the enemy might destroy you (Jn. 10:10). It would be a pity to see what could have been that was thwarted, and all because of a desperate decision. My dear, do not give the devil a reason to one day gloat over you – on earth or in eternity. You can still make the right choice now.
7. God’s Timing Is Always Perfect
Recently, I have found solace in Isaiah 60:22. It says:
“The least of you will become a thousand, the smallest a mighty nation. I am the LORD; in its time I will do this swiftly” (emphasis added).
Ecclesiastes 3:11a also adds that “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”
Do you believe that? Do you believe that you can also smile again? Do you believe that in God’s books for you, He can still blow your mind at just the right time? Kindly read the book of Ruth and see how God brings two people in His special way, at just the right time, to fit a greater plan and purpose. Today, I urge you to stay still (Ex. 14:14) and stand strong (Deut. 31:6). Like I said earlier, it’s never too late for and with God. The same God yesterday is still the same God today (Heb. 13:8). He’s still unraveling your story. It might seem late, but it’s not with Him. Hold still.
Lastly, I am confident that you deserve a loving, Christ-centered marriage because you are God’s child (Jn. 1:12, 10:10b). God intends to model His love to you. Please do not give up hope. Make the best of your time as a single person and set your mind on the Lord and He will give you peace (Isaiah 26:3). Truly, it may seem hard, but you will be wowed when God changes your story. You also will be celebrated. You also will hold your children. You also will smile and say: “Boy! Is God not faithful?” Till then, trust God. Hold still. Apply wisdom. And be happy for others. You’re blessed.
