How To Deal With Anger In A Relationship
I have seen firsthand what a terrible temper can do. I have heard of a wife who almost lost her hearing because she was slapped. This slap was unleashed on her by her raging husband. I have also heard of a case where a wife accidentally pushed her husband down the stairs because she was enraged. But a familiar story I have known on a deeper level is this:
Jack and Sara were courting. On some occasions, Jack would explode for no tangible reason whatsoever, but Sara would take it in. He would get very crazy when enraged. He would grab her hands, snatch her purse, and even block the entrance to the door she planned on exiting. Marriage was not any better as the first year of marriage showed the effects of a very impatient and angry Jack. His words became the dreaded alarm that woke Sara in the morning. Every single mistake or confrontation resulted in a beating. Not before long, Sara, too, grew angry and nursed bitterness and resentment at Jack.
Does this sound familiar? Maybe, maybe not. For many of us, there are the “big” things that we feel cause relationships to tear apart. Say, infidelity, mismanagement of finances, or even abuse. But do you know that if you look closely, you might be able to identify an emotion lurking in the dark? – anger!
Maybe you’re silently mad at your partner for always checking on his female colleague at work. Or you’re enraged at the way your wife handles the paycheck. Or could it be that the reason you lash out at your wife and kids is because you have an anger problem?
As little (or big) of an emotion as anger may seem, it can create so much damage to your relationship. I read somewhere that it’s just a “d” away from “danger”.
So, are you the angry bird in your relationship? Or are you the “object” on which your partner vents his or her anger? Whichever you may be, you should know that staying that way is not healthy for you. Neither is it for your relationship with your partner and God. What then?
By God’s grace, this piece will help you understand anger and how it affects your relationship. Hopefully, it will help you find healthy ways to deal with it. I pray this blesses your heart.
What is Anger?
My dictionary defines anger as “a strong feeling of displeasure, hostility or antagonism towards someone or something, usually combined with an urge to harm.” From this definition, we can see these major things:
– Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure: This simply means someone has wronged you and you’re not happy about it.
– Anger is towards someone or something: There is usually a person or object that has committed the wrong, and to whom you are targeting your anger.
– Anger is usually combined with an urge to harm: In most cases, the first reaction to someone whom you are displeased with is usually verbal or physical abuse. This is not only a thing of the mind. Your hormones are also in full action (like your adrenaline).
Now, to the question of whether anger is right or not. In the Bible, we see that God gets angry (Heb. 3:10,17, Mk. 3:5, Jn. 2:13-17). But, wait a minute. Before you jump in and justify your anger, you should know that God gets angry for good reasons. He gets angry because someone has done what is wrong. So what? You are also mad because your partner has done what is wrong. But hold on. The Bible never says you will not feel anger. The book of James exhorts us to be “slow to anger,” which goes to show that you will feel anger (Jas. 1:19). Jacob, Moses and even Jonah felt anger (Gen. 30:2, Ex. 16:20, Jonah 4:1). Might I also say that because you are created in God’s image, you will feel anger when a wrong is done, just like God?
However, anger becomes wrong when your reaction to it results in you doing something that God would not approve of, and which is not in the best interest of your partner in the relationship (Eph. 4:26-27). For example, when you begin to nurse resentment, react with a tongue-lashing or even land a slap on your partner.
You should know that God gets angry at the wrongs we do because He loves us and wants us to become better; living the abundant life that He gives. This should also be the purpose of your anger. But reacting negatively to your emotions of anger is the problem. How you react when you are angry is what needs to be dealt with.
How can you go about it?
1. Recognize that you are angry:
But of course you are. Is it not obvious? But do you know that you can be angry and still deny it? Or you can be angry and not see it as an issue to be dealt with. So you
simply stuff it in. Maybe your partner has refused to get a job while you are slaving yourself with the chores, kids, and even work. You are angry deep within you. But you may hide it. It can only manifest itself in your behavior.
On the other hand, you may be someone who has a bad temper and you feel okay with it. You get angry at the slightest provocation and many times, for no good reason. Yet you say, “That is the way I am.”
In both cases, not admitting that you are angry (or are an angry partner) is not helpful. When you acknowledge the anger, however, and tell it to yourself, you are on the path to successfully dealing with it (Prov. 29:13).
2. Take some time out
Now that you have recognized that you are angry (or are an angry partner), it would be helpful to give yourself some space to process your anger. Now you may wonder, your partner just called saying she will not be available at home for the third time this week and you’re being told to take some time out. Really?
Well, let me tell you this. As you’re on that call and you hear the news, tell yourself in your mind not to panic. It will be helpful to count, say, 10 or maybe 100, before you react. As you do, you can just whisper, “God help me” under your breath as many times as you can. Perhaps, you can then end the call and allow yourself to process it. You can choose to go out for a moment just to think. When you choose to show restraint, it will keep you from doing things you may regret (Prov. 19:11, Jas. 1:19). After your time out, you will be in a lighter mood. Then you can approach the next way to deal with your anger
3. Identify the root of your anger
Take a moment to truly reflect. What really made you angry? Or what is currently making you angry? Is it something that your spouse does occasionally that you cannot stand any longer? Or is it something that he or she did that you feel is wrong? Ask yourself if the wrong your partner has done to you is worth getting angry at. Or could it be that there are some deep-seated insecurities in you that, due to the event, were triggered and made you angry?
The root of your anger might just lie in the fact that your spouse was stressed, frustrated, or disappointed at someone, and so just “transferred the aggression” onto you, or vice versa.
When you have successfully identified the root of the problem, you can then seek ways to deal with it constructively.
4. Talk it out
Now, this may be a little challenging. First off, it can be hard to tell a partner who sees no wrong in his or her behavior that you need to talk. Other times, it can be hard because you may not want further problems so you absorb the pain and go on. This is not helpful. The Bible encourages us to speak the truth to one another in love (Eph. 4:15). You have got to tell your partner how you feel about the situation.
You can go something like, “Hey, darl, do you think we can talk later on?” If your request is accepted, that’s great. If not, keep pressing on gently, and do not forget to ask God for help. As you begin your conversation, honestly but respectfully lay your opinions before your spouse (Eph. 4:29). This is very important as discussing the issue is one step in the right direction of healing and restoring your relationship.
5. View it from your partner’s perspective
As you talk it out, remember to be calm (Eccl. 10:4). It will be helpful to not just pour out your side of the story but carefully listen to your partner’s side of the story. Sometimes, you may feel that he or she is the one in the wrong, when maybe you both just have a misunderstanding. For example, your partner may have bought new furniture that she thought was beautiful. On seeing this, you may be angry because you may feel they are too expensive. Sitting down to talk and seeing things from her perspective can help you understand the situation better.
6. Forgive from your heart
If you both have aired out your concerns, and you can see who is in the wrong, the first thing to do will be to sincerely apologize. The next right thing to do will be to forgive (Luke 18:3-4). Nursing resentment in your heart is no help at all. It will only grieve the Holy Spirit and bring sickness to your bones (Prov. 17:22). However, when you choose to forgive whatever hurt there is, then you are free to truly love. Ask God to help you forgive – not just your partner, but yourself too – so you can also be forgiven and free (Matt. 6:12, Matt. 18:35). An important thing to note is that when you choose to forgive, your hurt is being replaced with joy by God, and your relationship can be restored. Only remember to forgive truly from the heart.
7. Agree on how to deal with the problem
With the slate wiped clean, the purpose of anger is defeated if constructive action is not taken to avoid future occurrences. As partners, you can both agree to always talk it out rather than jump to conclusions or react explosively. If the problem is a small issue like snoring which gets you irritated, find out how to solve it. If it is a deep-seated, underlying problem like insecurity, frustration, or stress, find ways to deal with it. Of course, there will always be some sort of disappointment, but you can choose to be angry and react negatively or not.
Other times, the way to deal with the problem may be just to overlook it, especially if these are not “worthwhile offenses” (like coming late for a date or missing a birthday). Even if they really matter to you, then set measures to make it better next time.
If you are nursing deep resentment and cannot do it alone, then you may need to seek help from trusted friends, a Christian counselor, mature believers, your pastor, or even online resources that do not cast a shadow on the truth of God’s Word (Prov. 15:22, 27:9).
8. Embrace change
No human is a perfect individual. That is why, even though we experience anger like God, our fallen nature can prompt us to behave in ways that God would not approve of. We have already established that you have to first recognize that you are angry (or an angry person), but that should not be a cause to justify it. If you have realized that you have a problem with anger (actually, everybody does. It may just be expressed more overtly than others), you need to submit your heart to the Holy Spirit for transformation (2 Cor. 3:18, Rom. 12:2).
You can indeed follow all these steps to deal with anger, but if you do not partner with God, it may be futile. You need His Power. You need His grace (2 Cor. 12:9). You need His strength. You need His wisdom (Ps. 32:8, Jas. 1:5). Let His word transform you from the inside out. Ephesians 4:26-32 is a great place to start. I am confident you can do this.
To end this, dealing with anger is not impossible – at least, not when you have God. But you also have to remember to recognize the fact that you are angry, pause and reflect, identify and focus on the problem (not your partner), talk it out, listen to your partner’s perspective, forgive from your heart, agree together on how to deal with the problem and finally submit thyself to be transformed by the Holy Spirit.
Peace out!
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