THE 15 UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know what? Growing up, the idea of marriage seemed like a destination to me (at least that’s what Cinderella taught me). It seemed so perfect. Fall in love with a prince, get to the marriage bus stop, and live happily ever after. A few years later, I now see that marriage is no child’s play. In many cases, it’s not the picture-perfect idea you have made up in your head.
It’s easy to dream up all sorts of things about your partner and the relationship in general. You can expect your partner to do and be all this and all that. The sad thing is that many times if these expectations are later unmet, they set you up for disappointment. In the quest to deal with this, you can take it all in or lash it all out on your partner. For both cases, I’d give you zero for a score (no offense, I love you). But expectations can be tricky at times.
So then, am I saying you should have no expectations at all? Nada. God wants you to be expectant, hopeful, and joyful as you anticipate the future (Ps. 27:14, 42:5). However, there are times when these expectations cross the border and become unrealistic. You may think they are okay with you, but are you sure you do not have to check again?
Well, the good thing is, this post is here to help you “check again.” In the points below, you will find key examples of unrealistic expectations you can have in your relationship. Thankfully, I added ways to address each.
Let us dive in.
1. You expect that your relationship should be exactly like romantic comedies or fairy tales
Ah, who’s not a victim of this? I know I am. It can be so easy to watch rom-coms and fairy tales that they get to the core of your being and begin to influence your mind. Everything seems so perfect, and Prince Charming is always forever charming. But the truth is, marriage is different. This is not to say there are no lovey-dovey charming moments, but despite those, there are the sad and ordinary days. Believing your relationship should be charming 24/7 will only set you up for a whole lot of disappointment.
What to do: Check out the realities of relationships (and please, not those on reality shows). If there’s a reliable place I would recommend, it’s definitely the Bible. That’s the most reliable source of human living you can glean from (1 Cor. 10:6). Again, look out for godly people whose relationships you can model. Those who tell you the truth and not just the rosy story.
2. You expect that your partner will be attractive all the time
I know it. Yes, I know you have that idea in your head that your partner will always look like the Barbie you saw on your first date night, or that famous actor you love to watch. However, you should get ready because, in marriage, you are going to see your partner at his/her worst. Like after a workout or the usual, when he/she just gets up from bed. This can be hard for you, especially if you are attracted only physically.
What to do: The Bible tells us to look beyond physical beauty to that inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that has great worth in God’s sight (1 Pet. 3:3-4). I know that physical attraction is important, but it’s temporary. Something deeper should keep you in love even when your partner does not “look the part.” Find it and keep your eyes on it.
3. You expect that your partner should be with you 24/7
If you’re a lover of quality time and attention, or if that’s your love language, then this may be a hard one for you. It’s great to desire quality time and attention, but when you expect that your partner should no longer have a life apart from being with you, that is
wrong. Your partner may want to watch a particular sport, go hiking with friends, or have a fun time with the kids. If you get all worked up about that, then check this out:
What to do: Agree with your partner on what to do. Tell him or her your concerns and let him or her know that you value their time and attention. Then you can both work out a plan to achieve that. In the meantime, you must train yourself to know that your partner also has a life. When you truly love, you will not get jealous about your partner living his/her life (1 Cor. 13:4). Instead, you will work together to ensure everyone is being carried along.
4. You expect that your partner should meet all your emotional needs
Now, this is something. Raise your hand if you have ever believed that once you find your partner, you’ll never have to worry about feeling unloved ever again. I see you. Sadly, I can tell that when you got into the relationship, you discovered that though you were shown love, you still experienced the lack of it sometimes. This is simply because although your partner is expected to love you, he or she cannot overcome those insecurities you have deep within you for you. He or she can only aid you. So, if you keep relying on him or her, or believe that all the happiness in the world will come to you once you’re married or in a relationship, you will only end up disappointed.
What to do: The only Person who can meet all your emotional needs and help you out is your Father in Heaven. That void in you will always be there unless you reach out to Him (Eccl. 3:11). Coming to realize that your partner can only model who God is to you and not be God to you will help you. Nevertheless, this does not mean that you do not look up to your partner for love and affection.
5. You expect that your partner will change or fix his/her flaws
This is a common one. When you are dating, it’s easy to be head over heels in love. You may notice some red flags in the relationship. Rather than confront it or walk away if God is leading you, you may endure it believing that your partner will miraculously change or fix his/her flaws once you tie the knot. The sad thing is that marriage more than anything, exposes all the weaknesses and strengths of you and your partner
much more than when you were dating. So, if your partner only gets worse by the day, you’ll be filled with tons of regret.
What to do: It will be helpful for you to remember that you cannot change your spouse. You can only encourage them to change. Sitting together with them and agreeing on where change is needed can and will prove helpful and necessary. But always remember, true and lasting change that leads to a transformed heart depends on the Holy Spirit (2 Cor. 3:18).
6. You expect your partner to always agree with you
When you’re dating, it’s so easy for your partner to find most of the things you do appealing. When you have tied the knot, however, you discover that not everything you do goes down well with your partner. Simple issues like knowing if brushing before breakfast or brushing after it is ideal can create conflict. Expecting that you will always be on the same page about every opinion with your partner and you will never disagree or be engaged in some sort of conflict only means you’re putting yourself up for disappointment.
What to do: I have learned that sometimes, conflicts are necessary to find peace. If your partner agrees with all you say and do every single time, chances are that neither you, your partner, nor the relationship will grow. Nevertheless, you must learn to handle conflict in a mature way that truly paves the way for growth and not bitterness or divorce.
7. You expect that your partner will always prioritize your needs over his or her own
Yes, God’s Word does indeed tell us to always consider the interests of others, but if you check Philippians 2:4, you will see that this does not mean that you or your partner do not have your interests. It’s not a healthy thing to want your partner to abandon his or her life in a bid to please you. On the flip side, it’s also not a good thing when you, as a partner, prioritize only your life and career while neglecting your spouse. There should always be that balance.
What to do: You and your partner should both agree on a way to accommodate each other’s personal lives into your marital life. However, remember not to be selfish and play your part in sustaining the progress of your home. You may find it helpful to join your partner in his or her favorite interests and he or she could do the same for you. In this way, you’re both building a connection while not disrupting what you hold dear.
8. You expect your partner to never make mistakes
I am learning that while we are to aim for perfection, being a perfectionist or always expecting perfection in your partner can be a little unhealthy. In most cases, opposites attract. So you and your partner will definitely have differences. There will be times that your partner will do things that are wrong or look outright “stupid” to you. If you expect that they’d be as perfect as you’d want, then I’m sorry but get ready to be disappointed, my dear.
What to do: When you feel like simply “slapping” your partner for making a mistake, remember that he or she is human. Fun fact: you are too! There are many times they also feel pissed off at you. The key thing is to embrace growth as you rely on the Holy Spirit for growth, wisdom, and progress.
9. You expect your partner to always take care of things around the house
This sounds basic. But it’s the cause of so many dilemmas. Can you remember returning from work tired and hungry only to behold your partner sitting lazily on the couch while the dishwasher was full? That’s a common experience. Or coming back home and seeing the rooms so disarranged while your partner was watching soccer? I bet you can relate to that. I know it is not the right thing for your partner not to help you out, but when it’s just an unspoken expectation, you may be in that rabbit hole for long.
What to do: Funnily enough, some people believe that only their wives should take care of the house and do everything needed at home. The essence of this piece is not to highlight gender roles but as a man who loves his wife or vice versa, you should try to help out. It is also helpful to speak up so you both can know how to make things
easier without one partner secretly nursing resentment at the other. Division of labor could prove helpful. Learn from Moses’ story in Ex. 18:13-26.
10. You expect that your partner would have no friends of his or her own besides you
Marrying your best friend should be your major relationship goal. But this does not mean that your partner would have no other friends or acquaintances besides you (especially if they’re of the opposite gender). Sometimes, it is a matter of security and might I say that it’s natural for you to sometimes feel jealous. But that does not mean that it is always right. It’s very unrealistic to think that your partner should have no other people around him or her but you.
What to do: I find this helpful: Remember that the world is made up of millions of people. You cannot restrict your spouse to a life where it’s just you and him or her alone. You both may die. This is a time for you to find your security in what truly matters and trust your spouse. Is this a call to be careless about the fidelity in your marriage? No, not at all. But being overprotective can have its downside too. You know, you could even make friends with your partner’s friends. Then you may get to see them for who they really are. You cannot do this alone. The Holy Spirit will reveal their hearts to you if you walk with Him (See Acts 1:24).
11. You expect that your partner should always say sorry first
But she wronged you first, didn’t she? So why shouldn’t she say sorry first? Let me ask you this: When conflicts arise in your relationship, what do you do? Hide and squelch it in? Or wait forever till your spouse comes to apologize. If you expect the latter, then chances are that if you have a partner who is like you or “worse” in this regard than you are, you will experience the silent treatment for a long time. Of course, it is great to expect that conflicts will be resolved healthily in your relationship. But it’s unrealistic to always wait for your spouse to be the one who makes things up or apologizes even when you’re at fault.
What to do: The Bible tells us to follow peace with all men (Heb. 12:14, Rom. 14:19). I do not know about you, but the word “follow” does not sound like peace is sitting perfectly like a dove. It sounds rather like, “chase” peace. If you are to do this, then I am sorry, but as a child of God that you are, you have to be prepared to say the first sorry. This means that rather than expect it, just do it (don’t think so much about it; you’ll enjoy it as you progress). This is not to mean that you acknowledge a wrong that you did not do, but it sure means that you pave the way for conversation. In doing so you will be healed as you confess your faults to each other (Jas. 5:16).
12. You expect that marriage will guarantee your financial stability
And now, to the aspect of money. To be honest, if you are a bad spender or a borrower while single, you may not necessarily change once you tie the knot. Who knows, those bad habits may even get worse. To expect that getting married, even to a wealthy person or family, would guarantee your financial stability is an expectation in the wrong. Of course, you may be a millionaire but you may be a very poor one at that.
What to do: There are certain habits you have to learn, like financial wisdom and management. Learning this before you tie the knot or even while you’re married can keep you from the complaining team and set you on the team of wealth.
13. You expect to have continuous romance all the time
In your early years of marriage, romance may be extremely great. However, as you progress, the enthusiasm begins to wane, especially when you have kids. Now, if you’re someone who loves and expects romance at every point in time, you may be disappointed.
What to do: This does not in any way mean that you are not to expect romance at all. That would be equally wrong, if not worse. However, airing your opinions and letting your partner see things from your perspective can be helpful. Please, do not be shy. Open up.
14. You expect that your relationship will sustain itself
When I was younger, it seemed like everything just happened. I would go to an event and marvel at the organization and just about everything. Growing older, I now realize that for anything to be a success, there are people behind the scenes. If you expect that your relationship would be just as great as the ones you watch on TV, or the ones you see on social media, or even the ones you read from in the Bible, without putting in the required work, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
What to do: I am not saying that you are not to expect a healthy and successful relationship. That would be fatal. However, to get one does not depend on wishful thinking but on actual work. Love works. So does faith (1 Jn. 3:18, Jas. 2:26). So if your relationship would work, then you, your partner, and God would have to work to form a three-corded rope that can withstand any strain. And please, stay focused on how you can help and grow your relationship. Don’t compare yours with those in Hollywood (2 Cor. 10:12).
15. You expect that your partner can read your mind
Isn’t this the root of every unrealistic expectation? Now, you may say, “But it’s an expectation. It’s meant to be a thought.” But then, when your expectation is unspoken, your partner may never know it. He may be good at guesses, but it will take a miracle to always know what you want, how you want it, and where you want it without speaking up. Yes, the Holy Spirit indeed reveals things, but God did not just give you a mind. There was a reason He gave you a mouth too.
What to do: Do not just expect it. It may hardly come. Speak up! Open up! Talk it out.
To end this, it is worthwhile to note that not every expectation is wrong and unrealistic. You should expect to be loved, respected, and treated with dignity as a partner. There’s nothing wrong with that. You can also expect your partner to give you his or her time, attention, and resources. The caveat here is not to let it cross the border of balance.
Jesus loves you, my dear. And your healthy expectations for your relationship will surely come to fruition (Prov. 23:18). They will end in praise and glory to God. Keep hope alive. God’s got you, and I have got you, too!
PEACE OUT!!
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