8 Ways Comparison Impacts Romantic Relationships
Why can’t I be just like her? For so long, that was my major dilemma. I compared myself to my sister, friends, coursemates, colleagues, and just about anyone who I felt was doing “better” than I was. True to it, I was struggling to accept myself, and that served to drown me deeper in the comparison ditch. I also found myself asking my inner girl if I would be a great wife or mother one day. This was not because I did not believe I could be a unique one, but deep down, I had set a standard. I was comparing myself to the “greats” around me.
Raise your hands if you have been in something crazy like this. I see you.
You know, it can be so easy for you – just like me, to be caught in the comparison trap. In fact, with social media, it’s as if everyone is living the perfect life. It does not take up to an hour of scrolling for you to feel depressed and mad about your situation. Think about the last time you felt insecure or jealous of your friends, their partners, or their relationships because they seemed “better” than yours. I doubt we can count that.
But here’s the thing I want you to know: you are never alone if you think this way, although it’s not a justification for it. Others, even people in the Bible had these thoughts. Think about Cain and Abel or King Saul and King David or even Rachel and Leah (Gen. 4:3-7, 1 Sam. 18:6-9, Gen. 29:16-35). They all had their fair bouts with comparison. While not all of them ended up with success stories, we can take a cue from them.
But before we proceed, let us see what comparison means.
What Does Comparison Mean?
Comparison, according to my English dictionary, is the act of assessing the similarities and differences between two or more things. So it’s what you do when you look at yourself, your partner, or your possessions, isolate a characteristic as opposed to that of someone else, and you begin to assess them. The sad thing is that, although comparison can sometimes be a motivating factor for you to do better, most time, it only pushes you to do what is wrong. It can lead you to either feel better or worse than someone else.
The Bible tells us that those who compare themselves with others are not wise (2 Cor. 10:12). And that’s not changing today. Look, comparison will steal your joy and take your peace. Ultimately, it may lead you to do what will bring God pain. In this piece, we’ll be considering the impacts of comparison, with a major focus on how it affects romantic relationships. I pray you are blessed!
With that said, the ways comparison impacts romantic relationships are:
1. It Breeds Discontent, Insecurity and jealousy
I can’t count the number of times I have scrolled through my peers’ feeds on social media and just felt dissatisfied about my life. Imagine comparing yourself to a model on social media who is so picture-perfect. Not before long, you will feel as though you are not good enough even for your partner.
When you begin to feel this way, you will let someone who does not really care about you use you the way he or she wants because he or she can sense the lack of value that you place on yourself. For someone who really cares, you may become emotionally disconnected because you will create a distance between you two due to feelings of unworthiness.
On the flip side, a sense of insecurity can make you overly possessive or even jealous because you feel you are not good enough so someone better can steal your partner away from you. Hence, every girl you see around him becomes a threat. You feel that every guy who looks in her direction needs a beating. In the end, you will not be able to maintain a healthy relationship.
2. It Kills Gratitude
Comparison comes from a place of a lack of gratitude. One thing comparison does is that it says, “God, what I have or who I am is not enough. I want better. I want what she has,” or “God, why have you blessed him that way? And why have you made me this way? I deserve more. After all, I serve you better.” And slowly, before you know it, you lose a sense of gratitude for where you currently are – where God has brought you.
You know, God’s Word says that giving thanks is the will of God for us (1 Thess. 5:18). So, if you become an ingrate, what does that mean? It means that you are not living in the will of God. And if you are not living in the will of God, how can you get the blessings of God in your life and relationship? You will only end up devoid of peace, joy, and the presence of God’s Holy Spirit in your relationship.
3. It Creates Unrealistic Expectations
When you constantly compare yourself to that famous influencer online, or to the girl who seems to have it all together, or to the man with six pecs and biceps, you will begin to have unrealistic expectations of your partner and the relationship. Some people think: I won’t get married if my partner does not have this or that. Or I won’t accept my husband because he does not look like Mr. A-list on that magazine cover. Maybe it’s not even that far.
Maybe you are comparing your spouse with your ex. And because you have this on your mind, you subject your partner or intending partner to unrealistic standards that they possibly cannot attain. Do you know what happens in the long run? Disappointment! Because life is far from perfect. Beyond that, no two individuals can be the same, no matter how hard you try. But you set yourself up for a truckload of disappointment and pain when you compare yourself or your partner with others.
4. It Fuels Resentment
The more disappointment you get from the unrealistic standards you have set, the more it fuels resentment for your partner. The more you look into your partner’s eyes, the more you feel bad about him or her. Before you know it, you are nursing resentment, then bitterness, then little conflicts start arising here and there, and then the devil begins whispering thoughts of divorce into your mind. The Bible warns us not to give the devil a foothold (Eph. 4:27). When you compare, you do just that. So don’t.
Again, comparison can be the other way around. It can be that you are comparing yourself to another person. Maybe a friend, colleague, or family member. If you are not careful, you will begin to loathe that person, and it may lead you to do things that you will regret later on, just like Cain, which will further cause problems in your relationship (Gen. 4:8-12).
5. It Distorts Communication
You remember when you were in school, and your mom would always tell you how the student living next door to you who came first place has not got two heads? I’m sure you began dreading such conversations with your mom. No one likes to be with someone who nags and complains or worse, compares (Prov. 21:9). I certainly would not like a partner telling me always how bad I am as compared to his friend’s partner.
So you know what I will do? I will distance myself slowly. I will not look forward to conversations with him. Even though he brings them up, I will talk minimally. In the end, I may just end the relationship because that’s not a healthy relationship dynamic.
6. It Makes You Prone to Pursue Alternatives
Imagine you staring at your partner with discontent in your heart, wondering what planet he came from, only to see a message saying: “Hey, I’m in town. Wanna hang out?” You shut your eyes, squeeze a smile, and check the name. It’s your ex. Before the Holy Spirit even whispers, you justify it with the fact that you are not doing anything wrong. You are only catching up with an old friend.
One meeting and before you know it, he has got you hooked. What next? An affair, and before you open your ears to the Holy Spirit again, your marriage must have been blown up in flames. But that won’t be your story, by God’s grace. So ditch the comparison trap.
7. It Limits the Growth of the Relationship
The more you compare yourself, your partner, or your possessions with those of others, the more you let discouragement take center stage. Your partner will struggle to please you not because he or she is not good enough, but because you constantly compare him or her to others. If you do the same about yourself, you will become discouraged trying to be who you are not. In the end, you will not grow, or thrive. But your relationship will suffer for it. Do you get that?
8. It Denies You and Your Partner the Privilege of Enjoying the You God Created
Everyone is created uniquely by God. You are created uniquely (Ps. 139:14). And the best way you can enjoy a fulfilling relationship is to be the YOU that God created. Your partner wants to know YOU, not the influencer on the street, not the other sweet girl in your church, or the bold colleague who delivers presentations well. If he or she truly loves you, then you should not feel insecure about yourself. You should not spend precious time that you could be enjoying making memories with your partner trying to be someone else.
And you know something? You also ruin the chance to enjoy people who could be blessings in your life when you constantly compare yourself with others. Imagine what would have happened if Leah and Rachel were not rivals, but true friends. You are a masterpiece (Eph. 2:10). Yes, you are! So ditch the comparison trap.
To conclude, we have just seen how comparison impacts romantic relationships. It makes you dissatisfied, insecure, even jealous. Then, it can also create unrealistic expectations in your mind, and not before long, you will begin to harbor resentment for your partner due to unmet expectations. It also wrecks your communication and it makes it easier for you to run to someone else.
The worst impact it can have is that your partner will never enjoy the YOU God created because you are busy trying to be someone else. But hey, you are unique just the way you are. And a true partner will love you for that. So ditch the comparison trap and rather, Be-you-to-the-full. God enjoys that and so do I.
From a heart that cares,
Mene.
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