Can I be married and have opposite-sex best friends?
We all have friends who love us, understand us and want the best for us. Childhood friends, teenage friends, colleagues turned friends and all manner of friends who have proven over time to be closer than even family members. But then love finds us in the strangest of ways and we marry not from our pool of friends but other people. Now we are torn between maintaining our friendship with the opposite sex or letting them go indefinitely.
Tough isn’t it?
The idea of marriage in medieval times is different from the idea of marriage now. In those times, marriage was used as a means to an end. To foster political relationships, family ties, pay a debt, etc. One didn’t need to get to know one’s spouse before the marriage ceremony. It was a Lord and servant relationship with the women at the receiving end. But times have changed and people are supposed to marry out of love and who they know. The new definition of marriage is such that you are expected to marry your friend or at least make your spouse your best friend. When you achieve that, you realize that you do not need to have other best friends because your spouse plays that role perfectly or supposed to play that role.
Unfortunately, not everyone is able to marry their friend. So you may have an opposite-sex bestie and end up marrying someone else. If that becomes the case, the dilemma will be what to do with the opposite sex bestie now that you have a spouse.
Some have said that it’s ok to keep being friends with the opposite sex bestie even when you are married. Others are of the opinion that it’s dangerous especially when the opposite sex bestie has feelings for you. I believe it’s even more dangerous when you are not aware that your opposite sex bestie has been holding the torch for you since forever.
Sometimes the reason is that the friendship started on a platonic level, in other not to mess things up (because sex actually does), the bestie swallows the affection and pretends not to want anything more than the friendship he/she already has.
Then you later find someone who loves you and you marry, leaving your opposite sex bestie to roast (unknowingly) but still confides in him/her as a friend. The fear most people have is that anything can happen where you need a shoulder to cry on, and things get out of hand with your opposite sex bestie and Boom! The deed is done.
So would it be fair when your spouse insists you cut away from any opposite sex bestie? The truth is your spouse can see from a distance those who like you a bit more than the usual and naturally should have the right to tell you to stay away from them. Though most of the time it’s a whole level of insecurity. But isn’t that infringing on your right as a person to choose who you associate with? Hmmm! There are no wrong or right answers.
For some people, it doesn’t matter who their spouses associate with as long as there are clear boundaries, and respect is given to the spouse. But for others, it matters a great deal who their spouses associate with and they weigh in terribly on picking and selecting their spouses’ friends. I have met people who don’t even tolerate their spouses having friends at all and their marriages thrive as well.
I would rather you have the conversation at the beginning and find a balance between what works and what wouldn’t. Every marriage is unique and there’s no one size fits all advice to help you navigate the shores of marriage. So if your spouse insists you cut away from your opposite-sex friends and you believe it will help your marriage, by all means, be my guest!
Authored by Beecee Ugboh for Smartcouples.net
Copyright, Smartcouples.net © 2020. All Rights Reserved
Hello Beecee, I must say that this article is very helpful and informative. I am glad I stumbled upon your article because you explained things so well. I am in marriage for over 1 year and I don’t have that problem but my wife has it. She is not satisfied that I have my friends from childhood and we often have disagreements. I will definitely share this article with her and hope she will understand.
Thanks, Ivy.
Well said ma’am!
Beecee said it right, every marriage is unique. Thanks Stanley for the comment.
Thanks for the comment. I wish you the best with your relationship goals.
This article was very specific and highly informative. Personally I have just one female friend and a pool of male friends lol, because Ive experienced that guys make better friends to ladies and i’m in a serious relationship. It seems to be a problem no doubt but my man would never talk about it, I’d definitely send this article to him to hopefully start a conversation about it…
I love the fact that you said “Every marriage is unique and there’s no one size fits all advice to help you navigate the shores of marriage”.
Thank you for your contribution, Deepanshi. Beecee’s article rings the word “caution”, of course. We were glad to have you share your opinion. Again, thanks.
Hey Beecee, Thank you for writing on Can I be married and have opposite-sex best friends?. I enjoyed while reading your article. Unfortunately, not everyone is able to marry their friend. So you may have an opposite-sex bestie and end up marrying someone else. I also hear from many people that it’s ok to keep being friends with the opposite sex bestie even when you are married. One should be careful not to evoke jealousy from one’s spouse. I think “caution” is a word to keep in a situation like this. Thanks, Beecee for the article.
Thanks, Raz for sharing your opinion. You may share on your social media platforms, giving credit to its source. With that, there’s no problem. Mention the site “Smartcouples.net” or even link it to this page. Any would be fine. Have a great day Razvanille.
Thanks a lot for such an amazing review about married and have opposite-sex best friends? And the explanations that are given achieved clarity.
My opinion is that you can be the best friend to a person of the opposite sex after you get married. So is my wife, her best friend is a boy, while she is loyal, I have nothing against her.
Thanks again for this post. If you don’t mind, I will share this article on my social media account. Good luck!
Thanks for the comment, Henderson. I Wish you the best.
Your conclusion, I totally agree with it because when there are understanding and trust then everything is sure to turn out well. I personally do not totally agree with the fact that they should go on with their very close relationship but it’ll be better if they’re friends but it should be limited . I like your argument. Nice one, Beecee.
Hi Nimrodngy, you’ve got a very valid point and I also share your view. The partner should be one’s best friend and others, if there are any, remain friends or just friends in the voice of Beecee. But I also know that some people are not very lucky to have to marry their best friends or even their friends. So that need for friendship still remains void and could be filled by past friends if they are still close. This brings out the danger that Beecee talked about when things go wrong. Beecee’s article is quite thought-provoking. We should be cautious not to provoke a jealous partner who isn’t comfortable with friends, and also respect the emotions of our spouses.
Finally, it’s possible to have friends from childhood with good memories. But I, personally, do not have friends from childhood because I have lived in several parts of the world out of the land of my birth, and those around me are all very great friends from different continents. Thanks a lot for the contribution, Nim, and God bless you.
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Hello. I really enjoyed this article and thanks for this.
I had friends of the opposite sex but by after I got married I had to slowly break away from them. And not because my wife banned me, but because I did not think this friendship relationship was appropriate anymore. I believe that after we marry a loved one, she must also become our friend, sister, brother, mother or father or whatever. For me the true friendship is with those from my childhood.
Do you have friends from your childhood?
Hello sister, thanks for the comment. I like your line of thoughts too. Being cautious of whom you marry, and considering the emotions of your spouse. You are on the same page here with Beecee. I think she made certain points clear yet open to the choices of spouses. Thanks for your input, Bluemoon.
I believe that we can have the best friend of the opposite sex even if we are married, but that also depends on the spouse. I would never offend my husband and, against his will, would associate with a male person. But I would never marry someone who is too jealous and would not allow me to hang out with my best friend if he was of the opposite sex. So, I don’t think we can give a black and white answer to this question. When you are married, the most important thing is to keep an eye on your spouse’s emotions and feelings. So before that, be careful who you marry.
Hi Dani, Beecee really tried with the write-up. I agree with you that it’s very informative. thanks for the comment.