The 7 Causes Of Prolonged Marital Conflicts – Marriage & Counseling
A conflict is a clash of interest of spouses in a relationship that, at times, can be quite protracted bringing with it all kinds of hostility that couples would want to opt-out of the union. Most often, the parties involved in a relationship don’t understand the causes of the conflict in which they find themselves. And this article does just that. It presents and delineates the 7 causes of prolonged marital conflicts, to help couples situate themselves in their relationships and avoid these causes that have the potential for marital dissolution. The first cause is:
1. Because Couples Don’t Understand The Essence Of Sex
Some couples could be so troublesome when the know that a marriage the had contracted has zero chances for having sexual intercourse. First of all, I must commend the couples for being either virgins until they marry, or for following biblical principles for sex-free dating until marriage. Even in a case of abstinence of one partner until he or she discovers the other after marriage, that discipline is still commendable.
However, Marriage isn’t all about having sex. You can have all the sex you want yet your marriage is still not a happy one. And there are marriages I know where couples never had sex, but they are still happily living together. So that factor alone shouldn’t be a reason to opt-out of marriage if the other factors are good.
Finding fault with zero sex has to do with the motive for marriage which can vary. If your sole purpose is for having children, you can adopt and keep your marriage intact. Children are not your first love. Your first love is your spouse.
If your motive for marriage is sexual satisfaction, there are other ways of making this happen without hurting the union or committing the sin of adultery. But in no case should you agree to have someone from outside the union come in to fulfill duties on behalf of the sexually incapacitated.
If you want to leave the marriage because a partner is not sexually active, think about this: what brought you two together? What did you see in your partner that made you stay even when you never had pre-marital intimacy with them? What brought about the unity of both of you? If you are sincere and genuine, you’ll not say sex! It should be something more than just ‘sex’. And you know what? That ‘something’ which is of greater value can keep you throughout the existence of the union. That thing, whatever it is can help avoid conflicts in the union. For more on this teaching, click here.
2. Because Couples Don’t Understand The Human Nature
Human beings are all unique creatures. One thing with humans is that they all are different from each other in so many ways. The way we talk, think and do things are unique to us. So we shouldn’t seek to conform everyone like everyone else. Marriage contracts two different characters into one union. Meaning one union would have to experience the manifestation of two love characters independent of each other. There is this diversity in unity and unity in diversity that marriage possesses. One thing that would help your marriage from trouble and conflicts is to acknowledge and accept your differences. Be yourself and let your spouse be him/herself. Stop trying so hard to make your spouse be like you. It would only hurt your marriage.
3. Because Couples Don’t Have The Patience To Understand Each Other
“You again?” Doesn’t that sound familiar? When the partner repeatedly did something abhorrent, detestable? Then you go, “You again? How many times have I warned you…. ” You know what I mean, don’t you?
Impatience is one of the causes of prolonged marital conflicts. The truth is that some partners are difficult to understand and need the patience to deal with them. Because it takes time to come to know somebody fully, you would need the patience to drive you along. Yes, Just patience and you would get along well. Without it, the trouble can persist. And with it, what you may call trouble is no trouble at all. Be patient with your spouse, child of God.
4. Because Couples Don’t Have Shared Visions
Shared visions are good because they help reorganize resources and reposition focus. The what, when, how and with whom, are aspects of a vision or project spouses need to share with each other. This can help them allocate their resources well.
For a husband and wife to be working on two or many different things entirely unknown to each other does not help the family’s time and funds. This sometimes brings misunderstanding that can linger for so long. It’s okay for both to have different ideas, after all, there are different human beings. But the different ideas should be shared with each other, even if it’s just one partner who wants to carry them out.
A shared vision helps to keep the family sanity intact. It does not divide attention and focus. It also does not dry out resources because they are shared. The instances of a partner using up family funds without the knowledge of the other and the misunderstanding that could ensue are all averted because of shared visions.
5. Because Couples Are Not Prayerful
Prayer helps solve a lot of problems in marriage. The Bible says to watch and pray so that we may not fall into temptation (Matthew 26:41). Do you know that one of the temptations to avoid could be the things with the capacity to trigger domestic conflicts with your spouse? But how do we avert these? By prayer!
Prayer is powerful to keep the home at peace. A prayerful couple is a powerful couple. A prayerful couple is a united couple. A prayerful couple is a peaceful couple. A prayerful couple is a joyful couple. You cannot have joy and peace and be in conflict with your lover. You cannot have joy and peace and be a trigger to domestic conflicts. All these are what prayer does.
Before you pray, both of you do come together in unity, and the Bible says where two are gathered in the name of the Lord Jesus is present in their midst. Yes, the Lord is right there with the couples (Matthew 18:20). That‘s unity and that’s powerful. That’s peaceful and joyful. All coming from the presence of the Lord.
When you couples pray, you are in agreement and the prayer of agreement is also powerful. It cannot be hindered. All these are things that should make couples come together frequently in prayers. Even at moments of crisis, pray. Prayer brings couples to one voice. One voice means peace, and peace means free of conflicts. Prayer helps the praying couple avert conflicts.
6. Because Couples Don’t Respect Each Other
Respect is crucial in a relationship, and the lack of it is one of the causes of prolonged marital conflicts. Even as we relate with animals we respect them and give them their space. We do not expect them to act like us. But are we not more valuable than animals and deserve more respect due to us as humans? We sure do!
Respect is basically a human right thing. As humans, we respect one another because they deserve it by virtue of being humans. As a couple, such a right is never deprived of them. It’s rather upgraded and not lost. You don’t disrespect or joke with your spouse because they are your spouse. You respect them. You don’t take them for granted because they are with you, but you respect them.
Particularly, men crave respect and when disrespected by women, the relationship cannot stay healthy. It breeds a lot of trouble when women disrespect men and most especially at times of disagreement. It can prolong the crisis indefinitely. Respect and love your man, woman. Respect and love your woman, man. Is it just my teaching? No! The Bible so instructs (1 Peter 3:7).
7. Because Couples Have Ulterior Motives
Any motive not driven by love in marriage can lead to misunderstandings, problems, and frustration. The fact that you aimed for something and pretended you loved someone but didn’t get what you aimed at when you married can frustrate the hell out of you. This can be material things, fame, position, and power.
If you got married because you wanted some sort of money, and properties, chances are that when you don’t get those things that motivated you to marry, chaos will ensue. There will not be peace as you would resort to manipulation and other vices to get what you wanted anyway. Let your motive be in line with your love. Let love motivate you to marry your spouse. Enter into a love-driven relationship that would help avoid the causes of prolonged marital conflicts.
Finally, we’ve just delineated and expounded on the 7 causes of prolonged marital conflicts which are, Because Couples Don’t Understand The Essence Of Sex, Because Couples Don’t Understand The Human Nature, Because Couples Don’t Have The Patience To Understand Each Other, Because Couples Don’t Have Shared Visions, Because Couples Are Not Prayerful, Because Couples Don’t Respect Each Other, and Because Couples Have Ulterior Motives.
Now, tell us what you’ve learned from the points mentioned above? Have you been in a conflict with your spouse or know someone who has? What was the cause of the conflict?
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Happy New Year Darren. I hope you two are doing fine. Thanks for the remarks. We do appreciate, and wish you all a great and peaceful year 2020.
This is a great topic to share with people, as it makes people aware of there situation. It definitely has with me. I’m engaged as it stands, and this type of article has helped me realize a few things, so thanks for that.
It’s something which a lot of people don’t really think about, they just go on in their day to day lives thinking that nothing can be solved and that there’s no explanation for it. So this can open people’s minds and make them notice what it used to be like. Thanks again for your article.
You are welcome Shaiful. Of course, you can reverse things in your relationship with patience. With patience, what you see as a problem could be no problem at all. Just be slow to respond when you are angry or feel the need to fight or be loud. Just slow down a bit, to think about your actions. That alone can clear your head before any action. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I wish you the best in your marital life.
I thank you so much, Charles, for sharing such a beautiful article with us. I think for those who are unhappy with marital life and are with the possibility of divorce, these seven factors can help them avoid it and make their marriage a happy one. From your article, I learned how to avoid marital separation via patience which is my weak point and the problem I face with my wife in my marriage right now. I think that neither of us has the patience to understand the other. Anyway, thanks for sharing.
Hi Ben, thanks for sharing your thoughts. But the finances are part of the shared vision. As you talk about your visions, projects, etc., you also should talk about your finances or the finances involved in carrying out the vision. Thanks for pointing out that to us. Have a great day.
Hello there, thanks for this awesome post. I enjoy reading through your articles. I like the vision, keep it up.
I must say that these are the real problems that cause prolonged marital conflicts. The idea of not understanding the essence of sex is quite true. I know of some couples who are happily married but they never had sex before since one was not healthy and needed the daily care of the other. To me, that’s really understanding.
Another thing I learned and picked out from this article is the understanding of human nature which to me, many people have failed to understand their partners. To coexist better with our lovers, we have to understand them better.
The prayer is one too. Couples must always pray together, and also share visions with each other. What about finances? I believe they have to talk about it too, but not necessarily share finances. Thanks for the article, it has been of great help to me as well as to the public. Most importantly, thanks to you for those Bible references, they were well placed and an eye-opener for me.
Hello Ann, you are right. Respect is crucial to make it work in peace. Thank you for pointing that out. Have a great day.
Hi! You have mentioned a couple of very points to consider inside marriage. The first is that each one is different and we must understand how human interaction works. And the other point is that there must be respect. If there is not respect for each other, there is nothing really in that relationship that can work peacefully. Thanks for sharing this post.
You are welcome, Shanta. Oh no, I don’t mind at all. Share with your loved ones. And thanks for the comment.
Thank you so much for sharing with us another beautiful article. I also found the problem you mentioned in your article to be the cause of a long marriage dispute and I have been dealing with this issue for quite some time. My problem is not being patient and understanding with each other. We are both working people, so naturally patience is less after office and this patiencelessness is affecting my family life. I really enjoyed reading your article and I found a solution to it. I Pray that I can be a good example for our family and my husband’s children. And with this patience, I will show my husband a new respect again and hopefully he will understand me and the problem that has been created between us will be solved soon. I realized that there will be problems in this life but waiting patiently working at it, it has to be resolved. Only then everything will be alright.
I would like to thank you again for your important points mentioned in the article, and hopefully, I look forward to more articles like this in the future. If you don’t mind, I would also share the article with my friends.
Hello Jordan, thanks for the prayer reminder. I appreciate your contribution. Have a great day.
Your article about Prolonged Marital Conflicts is quite inspiring. One point I agree with you the most is not prayerful couples, well I have seen many testimonials where marriages were about to break, and by turning to God, the situation got remedied.
Prayer, in my opinion, is by far the best way to keep families together. A family that is going to church together, hearing the word of God, which always calls for peace, harmony, and forgiveness can never break apart.
Hello Katie, yes, I do advise they do. Couples should at least once a month seat themselves and discuss the issues of visions, projects or any development significant to their time and family funds, and together talk things out. Things that call for funding and the use of time should not take one by surprise. Your partner should know about your visions or the things you want to do or hope to do a bit ahead of time. Shared visions are good for the bonding of marital unions. Some families do come together once a week and some even daily, to talk about business they do together. It’s important not to keep your spouse in the dark about finances even if all is yours, your spouse also needs to know what consumes your time. Your absence at any given time should not come as a surprise to your spouse because you have this conversation frequently. Choose what frequency works for you both and imbibe it into your relationship. I hope I made some sense and thanks for asking. Enjoy your day.
Hi there! Thank you for taking the time to create this very thorough article. I really liked the section about Shared Vision. I love the idea that couples are working together towards a common goal. Do you suggest that a husband and wife have family meetings to discuss their shared vision? How often should these take place? Thank you again for the excellent information.
Thanks for sharing your story, Nim. We wish you well in your relationship.
The content of this article is totally a treatment for all couples and I want to thank you for it. Me and my partner have been together for almost 3 years. Reading your words I can say that I really opened my eyes. Conflicts are in every couple and maybe there will always be, but we need to know how to handle them.
I want to stop at the cause that caught my attention – Because Couples Are Not Prayerful. At first we went to church together but lately I didn’t do that anymore because I blamed it for a limited time. It seems that this has brought some conflicts in our couple and that’s why we decided together to resume this important activity. It is God who brought us together and we must thank Him every day.
Thanks for this article. God bless you.
Thanks Juan for the reminder that God plays an important part in the union. Your input is appreciated. Have a great day.
Ephesians 4:26-27: Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger… We could get angry, but that anger needs to be taken care of within the same day it happens. In other words, never get to your bed mad at each other.
Not getting to a point of mutual understanding in any field will cause damage to your relationship. But… wait a minute; isn’t it the engagement period the one to define how much within a commonplace are we?
People changes on a daily basis, we evolve and sometimes we just show who we really are (let’s be ourselves from the beginning to avoid this type of headaches during our marriage). The ideal relation will be one of 3: Wife, Husband, and God. Praying is the most important thing as a couple, It’ll help you develop a strong relationship between both of you an God; that will serve as support during difficult times.
Remembering why we got together is great exercise. Let’s be honest and figure out how to keep up with all the love once we got together. Thank you for the article.
You couldn’t have said it better, Daniel. It’s truly a process. Thanks for the input. And have a great day.
This was thought provoking and solid points made. The 4 things that really stuck out to me were the shared vision, mutual respect for each other, being patient with each other and praying together as a couple.
It is a process to build a strong relationship and even once it is “built” it has to be nourished and maintained. It is either growing or diminishing.
Hi Biiz, you are welcome. I Hope you are doing fine. I Appreciate the remarks. Thanks.
Hello Charles, thank you for sharing this post revealing the 7 causes of prolonged marital conflicts marriage counseling. Many marriages are faced with prolonged conflicts these days. One of the major reason is lack of understanding and impatience. Humans are unique; they have strength and weaknesses. As couples, we should understand this. Once we have this understanding, next step is to help each other. But we must be ready for this help. Prayer is the key. We should pray diligently for our marriages too.