HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FEAR OF MARRIAGE
Every girl dreams of her big, perfect day. You know, that day when her dad holds her hands in his and leads her down the aisle to meet Prince Charming. Indeed, this is every girl’s dream, except for a girl called Rose. Rose, a beautiful girl just like the rose flower, had been through a lot growing up as a child. She never saw her parents happy together. It grew worse when they filed for a divorce.
With every quenching flame of passion in her parents’ relationship, her heart was shattered and hardened. All that was left in her was a dread so terrifying. She could not bear to think about marriage. No, she just couldn’t. The idea of “happily ever after” only sent anxiety chills down her spine. And on and on, her outlook towards marriage kept growing worse and worse, until it was almost too late for her.
You know, there was a time when I was like Rose. It was not that I did not admire the idea of a wedding gala. I mean, who doesn’t? The thing is, I dreaded the moments that may probably unfold after the honeymoon. I was always held bondage by thoughts of, “What if I marry the wrong person?” “What if my marriage turns out to be like those of many others I see around me that have failed?” “What if my marriage becomes my worst nightmare – the complete opposite of my childhood dreams?” “What if my partner gets tired of me one day and ends up abandoning me?” “What if I end up with no kids?” “What if I or my partner dies two weeks into the marriage?” “What if my marriage cages me in and makes me give up on my dreams?” And so many other “what-ifs.”
I was held captive for a pretty long while to these thoughts of fear. And I know, you may have thought of some, if not all of them before. Maybe you still do. But hey, I have good news for you: you do not have to live in that fear. You do not have to let that fear ruin your life and tarnish the beautiful picture God has painted beforehand for you.
Keep in mind that fear is a device – a tactic of the enemy to keep you in bondage. He knows that when you give room to fear, you displease God and I doubt that God will like to pour His blessings on someone who makes Him
frown (Heb. 10:38, 11:6). The devil also knows that when you fear, you deny God’s power at work in you and give permission to your fears to become a reality in your life (Job 3:25). This is why you must overcome your fears and through “crazy” faith launch out into God’s best for you – and that includes in the issue of marriage.
I find it a pleasure to share with you in this piece great ways from God’s Word that you will find helpful in combating one of the weapons the enemy uses to attack people (especially singles) in our age – the fear of marriage. Do hang on.
With that said, some helpful ways to deal with the fear of marriage are:
1) Tell yourself the truth (Jn. 8:32):
Right now, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and think to yourself: Is it true that you really desire never to get married? Do you truly enjoy being single even when you can be married? Do you not desire to hold your children high up in your arms and give them kisses on their cheeks? If the answer is in the affirmative, then ask yourself: What really is holding you back? Fear? Then it must be dealt with. Since you have told yourself the truth, you can approach the next step. Keeping a journal to document your thoughts and God’s message to you can help you through this process.
2) Identify the source of your fear:
We often say something like, “There is no smoke without fire.” And though this adage is as old as the word, old, its reality and application remains solid today. If you are afraid of getting married, something must have caused or is causing that fear.
Could it be because of the many failed marriages that abound around you? Is it a health challenge you suffer from? Is it an inner feeling that no one would want you? Is it because you’ve often been told that you would never make a good spouse? Could it even be because of the many failed relationships you’ve ventured into? Is it because your heart is so broken that you just can’t give love another shot?
Whichever it is, identifying the source of your fear head on helps you proffer a target solution to address it. Remember that the root influences the branches (Rom. 11:16). So digging up your fears from the roots will prove helpful.
3) Talk to God about it:
Of course, fear is a spirit – an evil one at that. It is an evil thought that binds people and keeps them from accessing God’s best for them. If you have identified the source of your fear, why don’t you deal with it by taking it to God? The Bible says, “…perfect love casts out fear…” (1 Jn. 4:18). Who is perfect and who is love? We know God takes the medal for these. So, rather than staying caged, ask God to free you from fear. Tell Him about it in the simplest way you can because He cares (1 Pet. 5:7).
Ask Him to fill you with His Holy Spirit and open your eyes to see how unfathomable and great His love for you is (Rom. 8:15, 2 Tim. 1:7, Eph. 1:18-19). Your fears will leave your heart one by one as you become so aware of God’s love for you. Ask Him to teach you how to love, to forgive those who have hurt you in the past, to fill the void that lies within you, to open your eyes to the beautiful plan and future He envisages for you (Jer. 29:11).
Let Him show you what true love is and lead you to the right person who through Him will also express this love to you in its purest and most appreciated form. Hey, God is not out of the relationship business – at least, not yet, or ever!
4) Fight the war in your mind (2 Cor. 10:3-5):
The devil likes to feed us with thoughts of fear when we allow him to. They can eat deep into our minds that they create a negative stronghold. Yes, it’s true that you may have been abused by someone you trusted or that your parents did not really model what true love is to you. But rather than stay captive to your past or to the current happenings around you, why not dare to let God’s Word transform your mind?
Let God’s Word help you become mindful of what you are thinking about. Let it help you think about the right things (Phil. 4:8). Stop thinking that love will
pass you by or that your marriage will be a catastrophe. Don’t just let any random evil thought of fear thrown to you by the enemy have a safe landing in your mind till it destroys your entire being. Jealously guard your thoughts (Prov. 4:23). The Bible tells us that we are in a battle (Eph. 6:12). And you know what? As true children of God that you and I are, God does not just abandon us to our fate.
He has equipped us with powerful armor and just so you know, a shield of faith happens to be a part of that armor (Eph. 6:13-17). Now, that’s something great to hear. The more faith we have, the less comfy fear gets within us. How do we then get this faith? By studying the word of God; by believing it with our all; letting it transform our mindsets, our outlook towards life, work, and even marriage (Josh. 1:8, Rom. 12:2).
When the Word of God transforms your mind and you begin to see marriage the way God sees it, boy, you’ll be the first on God’s “marriage requests” list. Allow faith to fight your fear!
5) Prophesy over your future:
It is not enough to just know the Word of God in your head. It is even more beautiful and powerful when you affirm out loud what you already believe in your heart (2 Cor. 4:13). When the enemy brings fear or doubt your way about marriage, say boldly to him, “I will have a great marriage. God has promised me so,” “I will be my partner’s pride and my marriage will not end in shame,” “I will be fruitful as a vine planted in my home,” “My spouse will count me as the favor God speaks about in His Word” (Ps. 1:3, Prov. 18:22).
Then you go ahead and back them up with Scripture. One thing I have found helpful is getting a journal and writing God’s promises next to every fear I have. You can try that too. You then pray them out and wholly believe them. Then, the Holy Spirit will do what He knows how to do best.
I have seen Zechariah prophesying about the future of his son. (Lk. 1:76-80). You can do so too (Job 22:28). And don’t forget to praise and worship God because you’re confident that He will stay true to His promise, just like Mary (Lk. 1:46-55). And I assure you, He will!
6) Shift your focus to the right things:
Maybe you’re so afraid of getting married because you’ve been looking at the wrong things. You’ve been browsing through the marriage crisis profiles of diverse celebrities or considering the high divorce rates recorded in your daily newspaper. Do you know that the more you give your attention to these things, the more the devil is able to magnify your fears in your eyes? (Mk. 4:24)
Rather than look to what’s sad and discouraging about marriage around you, look instead to Jesus (Heb. 12:2). Look to His Word. Look to beautiful kingdom couples who model what a successful marriage is like (1 Cor. 11:1). Look to people who show you that you can have a great marriage that pleases God.
When you shift your focus to the right things, the right things inevitably follow.
7) Know your why for marriage:
Everything in life has a purpose – marriage included. And this purpose is found in God and Him alone for He ordained it. So what should you do? Seek God’s face. Read helpful books and articles inspired by God that address relationships and marriage. Find out why God actually created this marriage thing.
I believe understanding it from God’s viewpoint will also help you find a compelling why for marrying and at the same time dispel your fears. If you have a strong why to get into marriage and you desire to honor God with it; to show genuine love to your spouse and to raise godly seeds, then you would know that you have to ditch your fears. Why so afraid of something that God ordained for your good and His glory? (Gen. 2:18, Eph. 5:21-33, Mal. 2:15)
8) Develop realistic expectations:
The reason why you may be scared of going into marriage is because you fear that what you expect (what you’ve painted and dreamed of marriage to be in your heart), may not be the reality when you eventually tie the knot. The thing
you should know is, God is not against you expecting the best for your marriage (Ps. 37:4). But expecting a perfect marriage or partner, completely devoid of anything, save joy and laughter is far too extreme, I’d say.
You can’t believe that just because Cinderella was always giggly around her Prince charming, it automatically means that your spouse will never find fault with you and vice versa. You need to come face-to-face with reality. God will indeed give you a beautiful marriage – the kind that you desire expectantly, oh yeah? But in addition, He will also give you the grace and wisdom to endure and navigate the not-so-beautiful aspects of it (2 Cor. 12:9, Jas. 1:5).
Think of it this way. Marriage is a very beautiful thing, just like a rose garden. But despite its beauty and charm, it gets its fair share of thorns. What makes it delightful and enjoyable is when you pick out the roses carefully without hurting yourself with the thorns or finding other better ways to deal with them (that is, the thorns). Get it?
9) Talk to someone you trust:
Being vulnerable can be a very hard thing for you, especially in these days of so much betrayal, gossip, and social media paparazzi. However, among the million – even billion “Judases,” out there in your circle, there surely is a John who will stick with you even on the cross (Lk. 22:48, Jn. 19:25-27).
So, allow God to lead you to your “Johns.” And when He has led you to them, do your part by opening up and letting God use them to help you solve your problems.
Otherwise, you can get help from a professional, say a psychologist or therapist who can guide you on your journey. Books, articles, podcasts or movies that speak God’s truth could prove helpful too. Just ensure you ask God to lead you to them, so you don’t end up worse than before you encountered them. He’s not called a Shepherd for nothing (Jn. 10:14).
10) Let go of the pressure:
You may still have some doubts or fears about marriage or about your partner, but because everyone around you seems to scream, “Go on, girl!” You just feel lost and you feel like giving in. But this is where your relationship with God matters more. Ask God for His opinion. If His will is contradictory to popular opinion, then ma Cherie, go for His will.
Do not seek to please people for then, you might end up displeasing God and it may take a miracle to get what would have naturally come by obedience (Gal. 1:10). I know, it sounds very hard to stand alone (believe me, it is, even for me), but God is always there to help (Isa. 41:10). You just have to reach out to Him, set your face like flint and trust Him even to touch the hearts of those who matter to you to understand. He will help you, oh yes, because He loves you.
11) Prepare for marriage:
At times, when I have tests or presentations in school, I find that I get very anxious or jittery when I am unprepared and lack the appropriate and creative ways to handle my tasks. Now, presentations like these are just like marriages. One of the reasons you may be scared of tying the knot may simply be because you are unprepared for it. What should that tell you now?
It should tell you that you need to get some work done. And that work entails finding out what marriage really means, how to maintain it, how to be a good spouse, how to raise and nurture kids, and other issues pertaining to it. Whatever will be a success requires adequate preparation (Prov. 30:25). Even though there’s grace available, God does not like lazy folk. So get a’ preparing.
To end this, I want you to be so confident in God’s ability to make your marriage a success. Talk like it’s going to happen – because it will! Deliberately refuse to listen to the lies of the enemy (even if they ‘seem’ so true). Choose to listen to, believe, and obey God’s truth. And as you do, you can be sure of one thing: your marriage will be one epic story.
Starve fear. Feed faith. Your marriage awaits. God bless you.
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