When Loving Is Hard – 12 Ways To Love A Difficult Spouse

When Loving is Hard – 12 Ways To Love A Difficult Spouse

I know how you must feel. Angry. Frustrated. On edge. Sometimes, we give our best shot at this thing called love. Sadly, the ones we show it to are so unresponsive. In fact, we just find it so difficult to love them. Now, you may think of your co-worker, or your sister-in-law who always finds something wrong with your cooking or choice of linen. It might even be your sweet little toddler who cannot just let you have a day off. But what if it is the one you have vowed to do forever with? What if it is your spouse?

Loving a difficult spouse can be hard, no doubt. It is not easy to love someone whose personality always crosses yours in every way. Worse is if your partner is withdrawn, controlling, or critical. Sometimes it can be that he or she is dishonest, unfaithful, highly temperamental and to crown it all, has zero tolerance for the word, “growth.”

Such a partner’s behavior, attitude, and actions can make your relationship challenging. His or her actions run parallel to God’s model and design for what a good marital relationship should be like as seen in Ephesians 5:22-33. You know you are not happy, and you can imagine that God is not so pleased too.

So what do you do in a situation where you’re stuck with a partner who is difficult? Do you throw in the towel or quit the relationship? None of these will help, but there’s better advice in this piece that will help your actions align with what God will have you do. Be blessed as you read these ways you can show love to a difficult spouse..

Ways You Can Love a Difficult Spouse

1. Pray and examine your own heart:

But why should you do this? It’s your life that is being made difficult, right? But then, prayer for your own heart first is very important. You will need grace, strength, and wisdom from God to know how to love your spouse despite your differences. Ask God to fill your heart with His love so you can be able to love your spouse the way He does you (1 Jn. 4:19). Ask Him to help you understand your spouse so you can know the best way to help. Although the journey does not promise to be an easy one, you can find peace knowing that it will be worthwhile (Jn. 14:27).

Again, it can be so easy for you to think that it is only you whose life is being made difficult, when you may also be the “thorn in the flesh” of your partner. You may never know, but in your partner’s mind, you are also the difficult person he or she cannot get along with. You also have flaws that piss him or her off. And maybe it could be just your unrealistic expectations of him or her. So yeah, you’d need a good self-examination to avoid a biased perspective and so you can offer grace. Jesus recommended it in Matthew 7:3-5. As you examine yourself, ask God to transform you even as He does so to your spouse. And yeah, He is faithful and will help you.

2. Pray for your spouse’s heart (Jas. 5:13,16)

Is there anything that prayer cannot solve? Well, I don’t think that there is (Matt. 19:26). Truly, the answer may not come when you would like it, but God is always right on time. I urge you to take time to pray for your difficult spouse and declare God’s goodness and mercies over his or her life. Pray for your spouse’s protection. Pray for provision for him or her. Pray that your spouse’s heart be softened to receive God’s love and yours too.

Trust God for a change in his or her heart (Ezek. 36:26). You know, you can spend forever nagging and complaining, but on your knees, you will be able to accomplish much more. Do you know why? Because your spouse’s heart is in God’s hands (Prov. 21:1), and slowly, as you remain steadfast, you will begin to witness transformation in your lives and the relationship as well.

3. Move towards your spouse, not away from him/her

The natural tendency is avoidance. I will not speak to him. I will steer clear of her way. I will not venture by accident to ask about his day. I will not dare ask that we pray together. I will just focus on my lane while she focuses on hers.

That sounds like a good and logical idea, but more distance only causes more hate. However, the more you go out of your way to be with your difficult spouse, extending grace, initiating conversations, and showing that you care, you may end up melting that stony heart.

There’s this song by Casting Crowns called, “Love Moved First.” It tells how Jesus kept coming towards us even when we were far away. In the end, He won our hearts and we love Him. Try it and see. I have experienced this with a family member of mine. As I pressed on to show love, she began to open up.

4. Extend grace and mercy just as you have received from God (Eph. 4:32)

To be honest, everybody goes through a lot these days. Of course, we have Christ, and He makes all the difference, but sometimes life can throw its storms in our faces, and your partner may just be one of the victims who gets shipwrecked. One thing I am learning is that offering grace is very helpful. We will never be able to completely understand or get along with each other no matter how hard we try.

The best we can do is offer grace for the shortcomings of others, as they also offer grace for ours. Place yourself in your partner’s shoes. How would you like to be treated? (Matt. 7:12) Now, you may think, “Oh well, he’s sure having a much easier time than me. So I can surely be in his shoes.” But is he, truly? There’s a reason why we have received mercy and grace from God. The more He gives us, the more we are to give others (Matt. 10:8b). And the more we do, the better and richer our relationships become!

5. Listen to your spouse’s story (Jas. 1:19)

You may think that just because you’re married, it means that you know everything about your spouse. Of course, a healthy relationship should be this way. Even though you do not know everything, at least, you should be familiar with the most important things. However, sometimes, there are hidden things that disturb your spouse. Maybe a lack of a job, or a failure to meet up with his or her responsibilities, or an overwhelm with work that just makes him or her irritable.

Other times, it could be insecurities, fear, or trouble with extended family members. What you should do is be so loving and compassionate despite his or her tantrums that he or she feels safe speaking with you. You do not know, but the more bitter and caustic you become, the more matters get worse. True love never fails (1 Cor. 13:8). It conquers all.

So love so much that he or she can confide in you. As you hear his or her story, show grace and offer empathy. Sometimes, learning the perspectives of the ones we love, getting into their heads, and seeing why they act the way they do is one step in the right direction of us building stronger connections and better relationships with them.

6. Focus on your spouse’s positives

Of course, it’s so hard to remember that your husband never forgets to help out with the kids and in the kitchen when he’s less busy when all you can think of is his fierce and bloodshot eyes as he pounds on the door each night. But then, one thing that will prove helpful is to focus on the positives that your partner has while you pray to God to change him or her from the inside out.

I think when Jesus was dying on the cross, He did not just see those cruel soldiers who graced his hands with nails. Instead, he saw great people ignorant of what they were doing at the time, yet had the potential to become His brothers and sisters (Lk. 23:33-37). A better marriage is always possible but you have to trust God and play your part.

7. Humble yourself and be willing to forgive (Col. 3:12-13)

Well, this certainly does not imply that you should be a doormat. What it does mean is that you’re willing to be the first to initiate conversations, start loving despite the hate, and say sorry when you have done something wrong. The truth is, in the course of your love, your partner may not give back into the relationship as you are doing. He or she may step on your toes even harder, taking you for a fool.

In times like this, remember that being bitter only leads to a defeated soul and body (Heb. 12:15, Eph. 4:30-32). However, choosing forgiveness and choosing to speak life will win in the end. This does not mean that you do not address issues though. But you can trust God for the courage and wisdom to go about it (Jas. 1:5, 2 Tim. 1:7). If you’re finding it difficult to forgive or let go, tell God. He will help you. He understands (Heb. 4:15-16).

8. Let your spouse know how you feel (Matt. 18:15)

Yes, this is equally important. You may think that your partner knows that what he or she does gets you pissed off, but in some cases, he or she is oblivious. If he or she has time, probably when he or she is in high spirits, you could talk it out.

Let him know how you feel. Let her know how her actions get to you. Although there is no guarantee that there will be a change, it is a step in the right direction. Keep hope alive, and yeah, don’t put it off. Do it now.

9. Find specific ways to bless, encourage, and help your spouse (1 Jn. 3:18, Rom. 12:20-21, Matt. 5:44-48)

Okay, now you are not just to forgive; you’re to encourage and bless, too. Yeah. A couple of days ago, I read that when we choose to act like Christ and not on our own fleshly impulses, we are being living sacrifices (Rom. 12:1-2). And you know what God says: we are holy and pleasing to Him. Imagine that!

I found it helpful when dealing with a family member of mine to just encourage her on her journey, pray for her, be involved in her life, and even help out with house chores to make life easier for her. Try buying a gift for your partner. Get involved in the things he or she likes. Send a text affirming your undying love. Do not join those who say derogatory statements about him or her. Don’t say them either. Of course, this does not mean that you should become a people pleaser, but find out what honors God (Eph. 5:17). What would He like you to do? Then do it.

10. Be a peacemaker (Matt. 5:9)

Blessed are the peacemakers. I once read an exposition of a verse closely related to this in Hebrews that says that we are to follow peace with all men (Heb. 12:14). I learned that if you are to follow it, it means it’s not just staying fixed waiting for you to carry it like a fluffy teddy bear. It’s running, probably flying.

But you have to get it and keep it. It all gets easier when you have the Holy Spirit in you. You will manifest it as a fruit (Gal. 5:22-23). Ask Him for grace not to reply insult for insult or payback injury with injury (1 Pet. 3:9). Rather, ask Him for grace to know what to do, and He will help you.

11. Seek help for you both and set healthy boundaries (Prov. 11:14)

If you are struggling to love a difficult spouse, chances are that you are not the only one. Many others might be going through that as well, or they may have passed through it. If others have navigated this phase successfully with God’s help, ask God to lead you to them. Ask for His wisdom and discernment to know what counsel He wants for you in that season and whatever He tells you, be willing to obey (Ps. 16:7). It will all work out. I am confident about that.

Again, if your partner’s behavior is going off limits, it’s not wrong to protect yourself. Love does not equal folly, and I doubt you will get God’s applause for remaining in a horrible situation He will not want for you. Wisdom and discernment, again, are key. Let God show you what He is saying. Also, learn to help yourself if you can. If there are things your partner does that get you pissed off that you can solve on your own, why go through the worry?

12. Be patient, keep a positive outlook, and remind yourself that God will work it out (Jas. 1:2-4, Rom. 8:28)

Sometimes, we just want to sit with God face to face and scream, “Why me, God?!” But the thing is, we can be assured that He has a good plan and purpose for everything He does. Although this is not the most amazing thing to say, I am coming to realize that the worst situations bring out the best in us.

Might I say that the difficult people in our lives teach us the most about God’s character and our character is being developed in the process too. So, hold on, cheer up. Be positive. Keep holding on to God’s promises and doing what is required of you. It will not always be dark (Ps. 30:5). God will come for you, and that, right early (Ps. 46:5).

To conclude, loving a difficult spouse can be hard, but we can always learn from our Heavenly Father’s good example. He loves us at our worst. So make a decision to commit to prayer, examine your own heart, move towards your spouse, and extend mercy and grace just as you have received it from God.

Also listen to your spouse’s story so you can understand him or her better, let your spouse know how you feel, help and encourage him or her, be a peacemaker, and be sure to seek help and set healthy boundaries. Lastly, be patient and keep a positive outlook. It will all work out. I am confident of that. Can I have an Amen?