Amos 3:3 asks us a vital question: Can two walk together except they be agreed? Too often, we fall in love – which is truly beautiful – but forget that a relationship like marriage also requires structure. When we commit, we realize later on that although we are in love, we are headed in opposite directions.
This stalls progress, breeds resentment, and sometimes leads to the end of the marriage. To have a common vision for your marital relationship does not mean marrying someone you have no feelings for. Instead, it’s about marrying someone you deeply love but are headed in the same direction with.
It also doesn’t mean you have the same personalities or that you agree on every little thing, but you both have a sense deep within of where the relationship is headed. So we’re left wondering: if a common vision is incumbent, how do you identify that you are in a relationship that is operating on this principle?
Stay with me as we look into ten practical ways to identify if two individuals aiming for marriage are aligned with a common vision. Do read on!
Practical Ways To Identify Whether Couples Aiming For Marriage Are Aligned With A Common Vision
1. They Share Core Spiritual Values
Have you ever wondered why God was so intent on the Israelites not marrying from other nations? (Deut. 7:3-4) It wasn’t because God is racist. I mean, Ruth and Rahab were included in Christ’s lineage (Matt. 1:5). But there is something that happens when two people misaligned in faith come into a marital union. There’s chaos.
You can get a heads-up from Samson and Solomon’s story in the Bible (Judg. 16:1ff; 1 Kgs. 11:1-4). A shared faith practically affects all other decision-making in a home, and hence it is non-negotiable for a Christian couple. A shared faith doesn’t simply end at being called a Christian.
No, it transcends that to understanding if you have shared convictions about Scripture, if you both can pray together in courtship, if you are both committed to church, service, and worship, and if you have a shared understanding of spiritual headship and submission in a home (Eph. 5:23-25).
2. They Share Mutual Life Values
At church some days back, I learned a vital truth: our outer lives are a reflection of what’s on the inside. Some things make us tick. There are things we would give up if we had other options, while there are others we would rather die than eschew. In a marital union, love can create chemistry and a deep sense of attraction.
But these fade with time, and when you’re left with the routine, mundane, ordinary, and hackneyed parts of day-to-day life, what’s on the inside comes to the fore. When searching for alignment, consider your individual values. What are your views regarding integrity, honesty, kindness, family (both your potential one and the extended one), finances, work or calling, friendships, and community?
For example: what would you do if your parents and your partner had a squabble? What can be let go of in your priorities without minding the consequences? That can give you an idea of alignment in your vision.
3. They Have Discussed and Aligned on Life’s Major Decisions
Similar to values, there are some decisions that you simply cannot obviate or turn a blind eye to. They must be discussed and each partner has to give an honest answer to determine if there’s any alignment. For example, as concerns children. Do you both desire children? How many? What are your views on parenting them?
What are your respective views concerning childlessness, adoption, or fostering? Again, regarding geography and location. Where would you live? Are you or your partner attached to a particular place for some reason? How would you handle a case of relocation? There is also work and career.
Would you both work or would the other be content with being a homemaker? Also discuss your potential roles and responsibilities in the home. Who handles the domestic labour, and who brings in the cash? Don’t simply assume. Discuss and look for common ground.
4. Their Conflict Resolution Styles Are Compatible and Constructive
Living with my sister taught me a lot. Our personalities are miles apart. So there were always little barneys here and there, but the good thing is, our bond is stronger now. It’s the same thing in a marital relationship.
Totally avoiding conflict seems to be the civil thing to do, yet a stronger connection formed from mutual understanding during conflict is the greater good. When assessing if there is vision alignment, conflict resolution is a good place to start, especially because it’s easy to look aligned when everything is at ease. It’s harder when there’s tension.
So assess if you both have a shared motive for conflict, which is mutual understanding, if you’re working on dealing with destructive conflict patterns, and if you’re open to counsel when the conflict exceeds your ability to handle it. It’s a great place to start.
5. They Demonstrate Financial Vision Compatibility
The Bible talks about the importance of money. In fact, it says money answereth all things (Eccl. 10:19). Many things require money in a home, and discussing it is not inane. It is vital. The lack of it has led to many marriages ending today.
So ask yourselves: who is the spender and who is the saver? Your financial philosophies must not be congenial, but do you have a shared understanding of how to handle them? Also ask yourselves honestly if you have any financial obligations or debt history that needs to be out in the open.
Discuss your financial goals, timelines, and your belief system towards generosity. Are you open to tithing, sacrificial giving, and you name it? These are not reckless conversations. It is financial stewardship that sets you both on the same radar.
6. Their Friendship Is Genuine, and Your Communication Is Healthy
Who’s your best friend? If your honest answer is your partner, then there is some tangible vision alignment. Do you feel safe with your partner? Can you communicate about hard topics like finance, sexual expectations, and family roles without the relationship feeling threatened?
Do you enjoy each other’s company and relish spending time together even when there’s nothing really pressing to discuss? Can you share your hopes, dreams, fears, and failures with your partner and attest to the fact that you will be met with mercy, not condemnation?
Do you both listen to understand, not just respond, because you are genuinely concerned about each other? And yes, do you laugh together freely even if you may not have a risible personality? If you can identify right now what your partner is most worried or excited about, chances are that there is vision alignment.
7. They Respect and Support Each Other’s Purpose and Calling
A common vision for the future does not erase your individuality. You can still have your distinct dreams, purposes, and callings while still headed in a similar direction. Ask yourselves: do you both have an idea about your purpose and calling individually and potentially together?
Are these compatible or complementary? That can give you an idea of whether you are truly aligned. Another question now is, if there is a purpose or calling one of you has that tends to impact your relationship, say pastoral ministry, missions, or non-profit work, would the other be genuinely willing to support just like Sarah did to Abraham? (Gen. 12:4-5; Heb. 11:8)
Sarah did not personally receive the vision from God, but as a willing spouse committed to their vision together, she followed Abraham into the unknown. Deborah was also a prophetess. Though not much is mentioned about her family, she must have had peace that led to her continual flourishing as Israel’s judge (Judg. 4:4-5).
8. They Have Compatible Visions for Community and Social Life
As established, though partners have differing personalities, a shared vision is a common ground. I know of a home where the husband likes a very private life while the wife is very open to others. This brought about some friction eventually when it seemed like the wife’s isolation from society was due to her husband’s errant decision.
Humans are not created to be isolated beings. God Himself remarked that it is not good for a man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). For a true Christian, community is vital (Heb. 10:24-25), so discussing it offers a fresh perspective on alignment in vision. Ask yourselves: what church community would you both belong to?
Would you still maintain your current friendships as well as build other ones? How do you intend to maintain and set boundaries for relationships with your extended family? Would your home be open to outsiders? (Heb. 13:2) These are pertinent questions to investigate.
9. They Respond Similarly to Stress, Adversity, and Uncertainty
Life is not just a bed of roses. Some thorns surface time after time. Especially for the Christian couple, trials and testing are part of our lot as children of God (2 Tim. 3:12). Not because God is some inimical being who desires to relish our suffering.
Not at all, but the things we endure prove our faith, mature us, and ultimately bring praise and glory to God (Jas. 1:2-5; 1 Pet. 1:6-7). Having a partner with this mindset is beneficial. So prayerfully consider and honestly discuss: How does each partner respond to personal failure?
How does each partner process grief and loss? How does each partner handle financial pressure? How does each partner respond to spiritual dryness or doubt? How does each partner treat the other when they themselves are under stress? Finding answers to these provides a sense of common vision.
10. They Have Submitted Your Vision to Godly Counsel and Community Accountability
No one likes the scrutiny of others. Some people don’t even like the idea that God sees them. This is because most of their actions are evil. We often resist accountability because we do not like to be confronted with the truth about ourselves and the relationship.
However, if there is to be growth and progress, we must submit our vision for our relationships to trusted people who know us well and love us enough to provide constructive advice that can set us in the right direction (Prov. 16:13).
These people can be your pastors or leaders in your church community (especially through pre-marital counseling), mentors, healthy family members, and same-gender friendships who can speak life and truth (Eph. 4:25). Can you both point to these in your life? Ignoring them is not safety (Prov. 11:14). Rather, it is preparation for something cataclysmic. Do learn from this.
To conclude, a common vision is a non-negotiable in a relationship tending towards marriage. It saves years of tears and sorrow later on in the future. This does not mean that there should be no love between you. But see a common vision as the backbone that holds your affections together.
Again, you don’t just see vision alignment in a day. No, it is observed from your trajectory over time. One flaw doesn’t always mean ending the relationship. We are all imperfect, but we should be willing to take steps towards holistic growth, individually and together.
Also, don’t simply put your partner in the hot seat. Evaluate yourself too. Have you worked on these, or are you working on them? An honest introspection is vital for progress. Don’t forget to lean on God’s amazing, abundant grace. I’m praying the best for you and your relationship. Stay blessed!
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