13 SIGNS OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME
Having seen what causes dysfunction in the family, it is expedient to see how you can identify one. Please you have to read the 7 KNOWN CAUSES OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME, if you haven’t to get a better mental grasp of the subject. That being said, here are some obvious traits of a dysfunctional home.
1. ABUSE:
One of the most common signs of a dysfunctional home is that it is one in which there is some sort of abuse. This can be played out via words of humor, teasing, or jokes that are intended to hurt the other person. Usually, the abusive partner heaps insults on the other especially when the other seems weaker than he/she is. When the weaker one has had enough, it becomes an insult-gun battle. There is no respect for the other partner or the children and the abusive partner clearly shows this without flinching.
He/she can breathe out threats in front of his/her kids without the slightest show of remorse or shame. He may even resort to violence in a bid to pass his message which leaves the family in a state of perpetual conflict and chaos. In worse cases, the abusive partner can sexually violate his/her kids or partner and inflict certain scars that will take God’s grace to heal. This can be seen in David’s home in the Bible where Amnon sexually violated his sister, Tamar. The aftermath of this was his death in the hands of his brother, Absalom (2 Sam. 13:1-32).
2. DOMINATING CONTROL:
Children and the weaker partner in a dysfunctional home are constantly kept on their toes most of the time by the dominating and authoritarian rulership of the ‘villain’ in the family. This person gives the orders and dictates what goes on in the home without giving others an avenue to express their own views. If an idea does not go down well with such a one, then it is ruled out for the entire family – even if others think differently. No one dares to pose a challenge to this dictator as there is a risk of being abused by him/her. Sometimes, chances are that if a person dares to pose a challenge, he/she becomes the ‘black sheep’ of the home.
3. UNPREDICTABILITY AND FEAR:
Because there is usually a controlling force in a dysfunctional home and the mom and dad are mostly, if not always yelling, there is high unpredictability and fear as the weaker partner or innocent children may never have an idea of what exactly to do to help out. They’re lost on the exact thing to do to please their dictator parents or spouses.
They dabble between varying options all in a bid to escape the villain’s angry roar yet it seems futile. They live each day in fear of the very people who they are supposed to experience their first earthly love from. This is not God’s idea. As a Father, He tells us to come boldly before Him without fear but in faith and unflinching confidence (Heb. 4:16, Rom. 8:15). A dysfunctional home screams the opposite.
4. POOR COMMUNICATION:
In a dysfunctional home, there is always a high level of misunderstanding present at some point as members communicate. Because most of the members are already infused with some sort of fear, they tend to hear but listen incorrectly. It’s so common for the children to receive double messages where one parent says one thing yet the other yells the opposite. Some parents can use this unfairly to their advantage as a means to manipulate their kids. They use them as channels to pass messages to the other. Of course, there will surely be constant conflict in a home as this because there is poor communication of thoughts.
5. LACK OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT OR NEGLECT:
To recognize a dysfunctional home is not so hard. When you come into a home where everyone is isolated and lonely and the kids have no one to talk to, you’ve found one. An ideal home is a place where everyone gets to be them, relive their best moments, and relish memories with one another. But because parents in a dysfunctional home are always preoccupied with their own needs, they leave that of the other partner and the children unmet.
The sad thing is that most never seem to care. At a very tender age, what children need is love, care, and emotional support from the people who are God’s vessels to bring them to earth. Even God as a Father cheers us on. We can cry to Him every single moment because He is always with us. He tells us that He understands us and will never condemn us but rather embrace and correct us in love (Heb. 4:15, 5:2). Such support which is highly essential is lacking in a dysfunctional home. The kids have to source for it elsewhere.
6. PERFECTIONISM:
Although this may not seem like it, it’s one of the signs of a dysfunctional home. If as a child, you live in a home where your grades have to be 100% and never less, or every chore you do has to be perfect without a mistake, or every medal in school has to be on your neck, chances are that you’re growing in a dysfunctional home.
Of course, God desires that all His children attain perfection. But then, when it tends towards an extreme, it no longer glorifies God but serves as a disease that inflicts injuries on the minds of others, especially children. It not only does this but places unnecessary pressure on them and cages them like slaves. God desires freedom for His kids but a perfectionist trait in a dysfunctional home assures nothing.
7. OVER-POSSESSIVENESS:
There are some parents who simply cannot stand the thought of their children being with others. They hate to hear that their children are visiting someplace other than home. It could even be the homes of their relatives. For such parents, if school could be done without, they’d be the happiest. Yes, they may hide behind their controlling, dominating nature but deep down in their hearts, they nurse the fear that they might someday lose their kids to others, probably because they are failing.
Some dominating spouses go as far as over-possessing their partners. Some can’t simply stand the thought of their children or spouses being independent. This character of over-possessiveness keeps their members so bound and devoid of freedom that they cannot express themselves and be who they are meant to be in Christ (2 Cor. 3:17, Gal. 5:1). As this may seem good and with pure intentions for protection, it is a sign of a dysfunctional home.
8. MAKING ONE PARTNER SEEM EVIL IN THE EYES OF THE CHILD:
When a point comes when your dad or mom calls you to the side and begins filling your mind with crazy ideas about their partners; especially if they are lies, then your home is dysfunctional. A partner is to cheer his/her partner on and do his/her best to ensure that his/her children love both their parents. We cannot deny that most times, one partner may truly be at fault and may be causing pain to the other, but it’s always good to remember that there are better ways to remedy the situation than by demeaning or destroying the image of the other.
Some parents can even go far as altering the truth by recounting memories or events and telling them differently so they are not held accountable and so the other partner who may be true might be considered a liar. If you’re truly sure you are doing the right thing, why are you scared? Why the lies? (Rom. 13:3).
9. INTRUSION OF PRIVACY:
It would be fatal if parents never get to check out what their kids are doing behind their backs. However, when there is no show of love, concern, or respect for children’s boundaries, there is a problem. This problem can also express itself when a spouse has no respect for the privacy of his/her partner. No matter the intentions behind it, a parent should at least show some respect for his/her child or partner’s privacy without letting him/her go to the extreme. There’s always a nice and proper way to do it.
10. ROLE REVERSAL:
In most cases of dysfunctional homes, the children, especially the most grown-up ones become adults and parents in no little time. It’s not uncommon to see the eldest sister suddenly assume the role of a mother, cook, teacher, and even the middleman in her parent’s conflict. Even though this seems like she’ll grow up to be Wonder Woman, it has its negative effects. God has specific roles intended for each member of the home. A role reversal only indicates a level of dysfunction.
11. SIBLING RIVALRIES:
In a dysfunctional home, there is usually the kid one parent loves a lot and the other who they term the ‘black sheep.’ This may be because of their attributes, no doubt, but this leads to problems in the home. Some parents think this way because their so-called ‘favorites’ cheer them on even when they are wrong. Remember Jacob and Esau?
Though each parent had a reason to prefer the other, it led to catastrophic events including enmity, separation, and misery even to the same parents (Gen. 25:28, Gen. 27:1-46). Cain and Abel had rivalries too which ended in death, exile, and misery (Gen. 4:4-16). Even as we consider our Lord Jesus’ family here on earth, we observe that His very own brethren did not believe in Him (Jn. 7:3-5). I have reasons to believe that He must have been looked at by them as the favorite child. After all, He never sinned, was perfectly obedient, and was no ordinary child.
12. USING CHILDREN FOR REVENGE:
Inflicting the children with wounds and scars may sometimes serve as a means to pass a message to the other parent in a dysfunctional home. A parent can leave his/her kids hungry or deny them privileges just to prove a point to the other partner. This sounds inhumane and it’s just that.
13. THEY OPERATE A CLOSED SYSTEM:
If you’re in a family where you’re not allowed to say what exactly goes on in your home to your friends and others around you, it is an indicator that something may be wrong. Yes, there are family secrets; some of which may be good and kept secret for pure intentions but when the news of your family is not worth sharing and you’re constantly reminded of the need to keep your mouth shut, it signals some dysfunction in the home.
To conclude, we have considered what a dysfunctional family is and the causes and signs of one. The aim of this article is not to leave you condemned or to make you feel unworthy of your home. We have seen great, worthy biblical examples who had a level of dysfunction in their homes. Rather, because our God is a God of hope and restoration, He is reaching out to you today asking you to let Him in (Rev. 3:20). He cannot wait to change your story. That is just why He came (Lk. 4:18-19).
Is it not interesting to know that the best family award in the universe goes to God’s family? Learn from it, or better still, be a part of it (Jn. 1:12-13) All you need is an eye of faith and an earnest plea for mercy.
Stay blessed and know that Jesus loves you and is ever willing to save you.
Peace.
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