Have you ever heard the word toxic before? Oh, I bet you have. It is one of the most popular words used in our world today. In my field of study, when you hear the word toxic, you think of something poisonous. In another light, you think of something that has adverse effects. But can this be applied to the world of relationships? Let us find out!

Meaning of a Toxic Relationship 

In relationships, to be toxic simply means to be harmful. I see it as a type of parasitic relationship where one partner gives all he or she has got, while the other partner only takes without contributing meaningfully to the success of the relationship. As you would expect, the giving partner becomes drained emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. As intended by God, relationships are meant to be mutually beneficial (Prov. 27:17; 11:25). We are meant to carry “each other’s” burdens (Gal. 6:2). Not just let others carry ours. God has never wanted one person to suffer at the expense of another intentionally. Not unless it is allowed, say, as a test from Him. Such behavior only suggests a selfish heart, and God is certainly not in for that (Phil. 2:3-4).

While it is true that in a relationship, there will certainly be challenges, disagreements, or even hard seasons, it is imperative to nd out if these are coming from a place of necessity for progress, or if they are perpetual, long-lasting, behaviors that are not being confronted.

Now, a toxic relationship could manifest itself in a variety of ways. It could manifest as a relationship where you are physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused. In another case, it could be one where you are codependent. That is, you depend on your partner for your sense of identity and self-worth. Still, in another case, it could be a relationship where you are struggling to cope with someone who is addicted to a substance, or perhaps, given to infidelity.

So then, since relationships can be toxic, how can one tell? How can you know if you’re just going through a season, or if your relationship is truly toxic?

This piece will help you answer that, by God’s grace. Its purpose is to help you find key signs or indicators that will help you identify if you’re in a toxic relationship or not, with the hope that identifying the problem will spur you to seek help. I have also outlined a few ways to get help. I pray that as you peruse through this, it enlightens you and opens your eyes, so you can find help, and that soonest.

Signs that you are in a toxic relationship 

1. You feel unsafe or on edge 

The word “toxic” itself sounds threatening, right? If you are in a relationship that is characterized by threats or abuse of some sort, then it’s a sign that your relationship is toxic. At times, it can be that you have this sense of fear (not respect) for your partner that makes you cringe at his or her presence or thoughts of him or her. You need to ask yourself if you’re usually on edge as you think about or relate with your partner. Do you feel safe?

A healthy relationship should make you desirous and enthusiastic about your partner. It should make you feel protected. Your partner should be a form of refuge you can run to and not a cage. This is exemplified in our love relationship with God. As God’s bride – though He is the Almighty – we love Him and desire Him, and He, us. I have never heard of anyone cringing before God out of fear. Even if that were the case, it would only be out of ignorance because God is approachable and He is love (Eph. 3:12, Heb. 4:16). But if your relationship does not exemplify this, it may be a warning sign.

2. You feel exploited 

Are you giving more and more only to get less and less? Do you call to check up, organize date nights, or struggle to keep up communication, but it is never reciprocated? I feel you need to check again. Your partner may just be passing a message.

Now, do not get me wrong. Investing in a relationship, especially when you are dating, is not a bad thing, but it should be mutual. Even if it’s not in an equal proportion, there should be that show of commitment. Someone who truly loves you will also make the necessary effort to keep the relationship going. If he or she is not doing this, it may be that you’re in a toxic relationship.

3. You’re not free to express yourself 

Your partner should be the one person apart from God, your family, or maybe your pastor, that you are open and vulnerable to. If your partner constantly dismisses your emotions and makes light of your thoughts, then it means your relationship may be toxic. If he or she does not feel for you and show empathy without judgment, then it means you have to sit back and ask yourself the hard questions.

Again, if your partner does not find communicating with you a priority, then it is time to check your relationship. Every relationship thrives on open and honest communication. Your relationship should not just make you seen but heard. Learn from our relationship with our Father in Heaven. He does not need us to be complete, but because He loves us, He makes time to speak with us (Ex. 33:11, Gen. 17:22, Is. 1:18). And yeah, He hears our every word and emotion and speaks lovingly to us. As children of God, we are to follow this pattern.

4. You feel neglected and alone 

A relationship is a kind of partnership. If you find yourself alone and isolated, even though you have a partner, chances are that your relationship is toxic. As mentioned earlier, a relationship should make you feel carried along and valued, not the other way around. One of the purposes of marriage is companionship. The Bible tells us that two are better than one, and one can help the other up when he or she falls (Eccl. 4:9-11). But you cannot feel the impact of this verse in a toxic relationship, because although you are technically two individuals, you are alone.

5. You feel belittled and ashamed 

Does a conversation between you and your partner leave you more insecure than when you first met? A toxic relationship can make you feel less of yourself, maybe due to your background, past, flaws, or even your job. If interactions with your partner evoke these emotions, then it may be time to leave or trust God for something better.

A good partner is conscious of your aws, but will lovingly correct you, knowing that we are all imperfect but we’re on a growth journey. We have read of great men who married humble women in the Bible, take an example from Ruth and Boaz (See Ruth 2-4). Their relationships still thrived because there was love shown through respect.

6. You’re constantly criticized or gaslighted 

If you are gaslighted, it means that your partner manipulates you to question your reality and ask yourself if your memories are as accurate as you think. It’s a way to shift blame to you by psychologically making you accept that you have done something that you have not. If your partner does this to you or is caustic and critical of your every move, then you may need to ponder for some time.

The Bible tells us to be gracious in the way we use our words and relate with others (Col. 4:6). But a toxic relationship screams the opposite.

7. You’re being controlled and manipulated 

This is a chief sign of being in a toxic relationship. If you no longer have a say in the relationship and your only job is to say, “Yes, siree,” and comply with what is asked of you whether you like it or not, then it’s time to reflect. Of course, the Bible says to be unselfish and submissive, but a healthy relationship is inclusive (Eph. 5:21). A healthy partner will hear your own opinions and consider them. If they are important, he or she is humble enough to accept and appreciate you for them. Dictatorship is different from a relationship, you know.

8. You have a raging lion for a partner 

And I mean that. If your partner flares up at all times, gets irritated even at the slightest offense, and even unleashes his or her anger on you physically, then your relationship is screaming toxicity. This does not mean that there would be no genuine reasons why you or your partner will get angry, but when it becomes a consistent cycle that cannot be controlled, then you and your partner need help. Anger is a serious issue in relationships and where it thrives, it poisons. In severe cases, it kills (Prov. 29:22).

9. Your partner gets unnecessarily suspicious and jealous 

Now it’s true that it’s natural for your partner to get jealous sometimes. However, when this jealousy becomes so extreme that he or she cannot stand anyone being close to you like family or friends, and especially the opposite sex, that is a toxic relationship.

If your partner is overly suspicious of you and your every move and is constantly going through your mails and messages, then it means that trust is lacking and the relationship is becoming toxic. Of course, it is necessary to be accountable and responsible. God demands that of us too (Rom. 14:12). But there should be that level of trust, vulnerability, and friendship in your relationship that lets you see your partner for who he or she is without you being over-possessive.

10. Your partner limits your access to the ones you love 

We talked about this a little while earlier, but this extends to not just the opposite sex but also family, friends, and loved ones. A partner who cages you in the name of love does not truly love you. Yes, you should indeed be obedient and truly respect your partner’s decision. But the rule of thumb here is to consider if that decision is borne from a place of selfishness or genuine concern.

Sometimes, it may be that your partner even limits your access to resources in the home. This is not healthy. A healthy relationship should be one where the partners are friends. Resources should be pooled and managed together based on a mutual agreement. If one person is to manage it, then let it be that it is in the best interests of both of you and not just an act of dominance by one party.

11. You feel disrespected 

In relationships, especially in dating, you know a relationship is going haywire when your boundaries are no longer respected. Let’s say you have agreed not to engage in sexual immorality as a sign of obedience to God (1 Cor. 6:18-20). A toxic partner would not just infringe on this but will make you feel stupid for honoring God and upholding your values.

This can boil down even to situations where he or she openly disrespects your family, friends, and loved ones. My dear, if this is the case, that’s a super red ag.

12. You feel your self-esteem crashing 

If you have a shaky identity and you begin to feel that your sense of self-worth and self-esteem is getting worse by the day as you relate with your partner, then chances are that your relationship is toxic. The aim of a relationship is to make you better. At school, I am taught that there are certain hormones that are secreted in your body when you are in love that are meant to make you feel good.

From a scientific point of view, if you experience the opposite, should that not raise a concern for you? Even God, as our Father and partner, boosts our self-esteem through His promises and reassurance found in His Word. Not only that, but He goes as far as giving us an identity in Him to ensure that we know who we are (1 Jn. 3:1). If you’re thinking less of yourself because of your partner, then it’s high time you sought help.

13. You feel like you have lost yourself 

When you’re always at the mercy of the approval of your partner, you’ll end up in a circle of trying to please him or her at all costs, even to your detriment. While you are to be selfless, God intentionally created you with interests too (Phil. 2:4). Let’s consider this: Although God loves us and even sent His Son to die for us so that we may live, it does not mean that God forgets Himself or compromises His character in a bid to please us. Rather, because He remains true to who He is, He is able to draw us near to Him. In a healthy relationship, the goal is for you to be original and, yeah, find other aspects of yourself you didn’t know existed for your growth and the progress of the relationship. If this is not the case, then you may need a “toxicity test.”

14. You have problems relating to God

Truth be told, there’s a way that our relationships with people – and especially our partners – affect our relationship with our Father in Heaven. When you bear someone in mind, relating with God is difficult (Matt. 5:23-24, 6:12). Ultimately, relationships are a three-corded strand that displays our union with our partners with Christ at the central point (Eccl. 4:12).

When you’re in a toxic relationship, you just may nd it difficult to relate with God, either because you will have a skewed image of yourself and God; because you’re bitter; or even because you feel that the relationship is not just the right one for you, yet you’re holding onto it. In a time like this, you need to go to God and nd out His will for the relationship. If it’s something that He wants you to trust Him for, then do what He says. Trust Him in prayer as you reflect on His promises. Remember to play your part too even as you do.

If you are married already, it’s imperative to seek help from counselors who know and follow Christ or from mature friends and believers who can feel your pain and proffer solutions as they are led by the Spirit of God (Prov. 15:22). If you are dating, it may be time to reconsider or better still, leave the relationship for your sake and for those that matter to you. Also, set boundaries and truly take time to reflect and validate the truth.

Finally, remember that it does not have to end sorely. The truth is that we all can become toxic due to circumstances in our lives at times. However, Christ makes all the difference. As you trust Him, things will get better. He has the power to transform you, your partner, and your relationship. Yes, you deserve an abundant life because it is God’s will for you and He desires your well-being (Jn. 10:10, 3 Jn. 2). Nevertheless, have the courage to leave if that is what God leads you to. The I AM is with you, my dear, and yeah, He’s just started with you!

Written for Smartcouples.net © 2025. All rights reserved.