15 REASONS WHY PEOPLE CHOOSE TO REMAIN SINGLE
Recently, I shared a story of a colleague of mine. You don’t have to worry though. I’ll be generous enough to share it again with you. We were having a little chit-chat. And as we narrated the tales of our lives, my colleague happened to say that marriage was not in his near plans. He confessed honestly that he needed to enjoy his life before some lady popped up to whom he would have to be accountable. Valid? Maybe. Maybe not.
It’s funny how some of us – knowingly or unknowingly – share these concerns. For some, it’s not this per se. But with the trajectory of divorce headlines ravaging the internet and “spouse gangsters” showing up, one can’t help but feel disillusioned about the marriage thing.
Because what my colleague said was of so much interest to me, in an earlier post, I spoke about the purposes of marriage. Today in this piece, I would like to speak about the reasons some people – like my colleague – choose to remain single, even when they can/should be married. But before I begin, I would like to say this:
Singlehood is not a curse. At its best, it’s a preparatory phase. I would say it becomes something that poses a concern when its roots get their nourishment from the soil of self-centeredness and/or fear.
With that said, let us take a sneak peek at why most people should be married but are not, or simply choose not to be. Do read with an open mind!
Reasons for singlehood among people of marriageable age:
1. They want their freedom:
Yeah. Who likes to be tossed and bossed around like a puppet? No one! I know that unimaginable joy that springs up in the heart of every student leaving high school. You know, that joy of unlimited freedom one would get to enjoy in the university. No more “Do this,” “Do that,” “Where were you?” or “What time will you be back?”
Everybody craves freedom. This is one of the reasons Jesus Christ came (Lk. 4:18-19, Is. 42:6-7, Jn. 8:36). But when this quest for freedom becomes a reason for which you do not desire to commit or submit, it poses a problem.
Truly, on the outside, marriage does seem as though it would limit your freedom. But hey, can I tell you that in learning to sacrifice your freedom to be controlled by the Holy Spirit in marriage, you will experience true freedom?
Marriage is not some cage God boxes us in till our partner dies. Marrying someone who truly loves God and desires to please Him will mean that he/she will also love you and not stifle your freedom. If anything, the best, original version of you will be unleashed.
2. They want to chase their dreams:
Everyone’s got a dream. Do you know that there is a God who breathes these dreams on each one of us (Joel. 2:28)? Now, staying single to chase your dreams is never a bad idea. You should have no business in a relationship if you’re “dream-less and vision-less,” might I say (Prov. 29:18).
But then, you can get so obsessed with chasing your dreams that you forget the greatest force in the universe – love! If it’s not time yet, that is understood. But I want you to know that a marriage founded upon God Himself would not kill your dreams. If anything, your partner will work with you to bring your most epic dreams to reality as you help him/her with his/hers.
To tell you the time or age to stop chasing your dreams and go get married is not for me to decide, but I can offer some helpful advice: sit still before God (Ps. 4:3-4). And don’t be so visionless that you jump into marriage beforehand. Or be too visionary that you miss it when it’s time.
3. They feel they’re not ready yet:
Marriage is an eight-letter word, yet so full of mystery and wonder. Sometimes, you can’t help but look within and ask yourself: Am I truly ready for this marriage thing?
Now, one reason why some people choose to remain single is that they feel unprepared for marriage. You know, with all it entails and the various caveats you hear, one feels the need to be cautious.
The downside to this is that some youths either stay unprepared for a good percentage of their lives or they struggle with fear and doubt as to their preparedness. By the time they are “prepared,” their partners would have been grandparents already. If you feel you’re not ready yet, then do what needs to be done: prepare and take the bull by the horns once God says go (Prov. 6:6-8)!
4. They feel no one would want them:
Back then in school, no one liked to associate with the ugly, poor, smelly kid from the suburbs. Now, fifteen years later, this kid is all grown up. He looks a bit better now, but his mind is far from the ideal.
He walks with his head hung low – believing the worst of himself – so that even when love finds its way to his doorstep, he dismisses it as a show of pity. He does not believe he is worthy of love, and in our broken world, most people do not even extend that love.
If care is not taken, he stays lonely forever – which is so not God’s idea (Ps. 139:13-16, 1 Jn. 4:7-8).
5. They’re struggling with their past:
The first models for a child are their parents. They imitate everything they see: from the way they talk, walk, pray, their occupation, and even their marriages.
Many young girls and guys do not desire to get married because they can’t seem to see the joy in it. In their opinion, “What’s the point of getting into a cage that would only get you insulted and beaten up?”
Others have fallen into the hands of players who do what they know how to do best: play with the hearts of young girls/guys. They do not care that hearts have life. They are not merely basketballs that could be tossed around at one’s volition.
With the many hurtful experiences accumulated over the years, one may think no better than to stay single.
6. They fear divorce and domestic violence:
From what some people have experienced in the past and by the observation of the high-rising profiles of divorce and marriage-related-madness in society, some individuals do not think marriage to be worthwhile.
Rather than have to face the sting of divorce one day or that of a permanently nasty husband/wife, some people choose to stay solo.
7. They do not have enough money yet:
Planning a marriage, or better still, a wedding, is a lot, especially on my side of the continent. Some individuals, especially the males, considering the high bride price and other materials required for a wedding, may choose to abscond or keep delaying it till when their pockets are fat enough. Think of Jacob’s ordeal (Gen. 29:20-30).
Still, most times, it’s not just about the wedding day. Marriage comes with a whole lot of responsibility, and that does not negate finance. Someone who is broke hardly gets the attention of a potential mate (not unless he/she means it), not to mention the attention of a hungry and angry spouse.
Judging by this, many people wait till they have made it before they commit.
8. They lack good character:
The Bible does talk about the virtuous Proverbs 31 woman. She is everything a man would want. I mean, a man wrote about her. The Bible does believe in virtue. And our God judges us by our inside because when our souls are clean, our bodies stand a good chance at the “sanctity check” (1 Sam. 16:7, Matt. 23:26).
I know that some people find virtue and character a bit old-fashioned. But as it usually is with most old stuff, they don’t look so attractive, but they are usually tougher and long-lasting. Any true child of God who desires a spouse to serve God with and build a lasting home will search for a partner with rubies hidden deep within (Prov. 31:10).
Truly, not all single people lack good character, but in some cases, that is just the case.
9. They simply can’t find the perfect mate:
Some others have been on an age-old quest to find Mr/Mrs Perfect (or might I say, Perfecta). Everyone who comes their way is either too tall, too serious-minded, too slim,
or too unappealing. Their prospects just seem to lack the many qualities of a “perfect” partner. To this end, they grow till they lose all their teeth, but still end up at a loss on the journey of finding their ideal partner.
The thing to know is, no one is perfect (Isa. 53:6). Even the most holy child of God on earth is not. That is why we need God and why you would need your partner (2 Sam. 22;33, Heb. 12:2). One of the purposes of marriage is sanctification. Of course, this does not warrant you to jump on any proposal because you’re trying to be “realistic.” What it does mean is that you stick with God so you can know when the “right,” although a little “imperfect” person comes your way.
10. They do not feel they need a man/woman to be complete:
Okay. You’re an alpha female. And I respect that. You do not need anyone to make you feel complete. After all, you’re in control. Might I say this: indeed, you do not need people to be (or feel) complete. But this is not because you are complete on your own, but because you are “in Christ” (Col. 2:10).
Whoever Jesus is going to lead you to is not meant to magically fill some hole in your heart. Only He can do that. Rather, view the idea of completeness more as a complementary kind of concept. You help strengthen your partner’s weaknesses and he/she does yours. In the end, it’s a win-win for you both, and you create the perfect picture.
11. They prefer being alone:
Striking, but true. Some people prefer being alone. They cherish their safe spaces and do not desire anything to interfere with their peace and mental health – like a breakup, dealing with a jealous partner, or having to get upset about an early morning text. So they avoid every single thing about the opposite sex.
Now, it’s interesting to know that before Eve was created, God Himself observed that Adam was alone. And so, in His wisdom, mercy, and love, He created a suitable helper and companion (Gen. 2:18).
No one is saying you need not enjoy solitude. But marriage, as ordained by God, is intended to be a blessing, not a burden. You can be madly in love and still enjoy solitude.
I doubt that man was created to be a loner. We are created in God’s image and even He does not want to be a loner. The Trinity proves that (Gen. 1:26). His desire for a relationship with us double proves that (1 Jn. 4:15, Rev. 3:20). So, please ditch that mindset, will you?
12. They find boss partners intimidating:
Some people are simply bemused by the successes of their potential partners. Hence, they will not venture to commit out of fear of insubordination once they are married.
It is true that most times, either the male or female in a partner is more successful than the other. But this should not be something to scare you, especially if you’re “in Christ” in your relationship. A partner who truly loves you will not look down on you or try to prove a point to you because he/she is more “successful” than you.
I try to imagine the prophetess Deborah in her home. She spoke with kings and rulers, gave instructions, and uttered wisdom to her people; she led her nation to war. Yet she was also a wife (Judg. 4:4-7). Judging by her profile and the people who heeded her counsel, I know that she was not a disrespectful and unsubmissive one. It’s not a bad thing to learn from her character, you know.
13. They are single parents:
Many single parents remain single for most of their lives because their potential partners do not want a divided home and can’t stand the baggage it brings along.
But this does not mean that all hope is lost. If you’re in these shoes, God will send help your way. He is able!
14. They are following the trend of singlehood:
These days, singlehood is becoming a thing. It gives this “You’re so independent and visionary” kind of vibe. The thing is, If we’re not careful, almost everyone may want to remain single some, say, thirty to fifty years from now. But may God never permit that. For in that way, I doubt that we would be fulfilling one of God’s purposes for humanity (Gen. 1:28, Mal. 2:15).
15. They have chosen to honor God:
Lastly, some people choose to remain single in a bid to honor and give unalloyed devotion to their Maker (Matt. 19:12). This is not wrong. Paul did it and he still lived a very fulfilled life. But this does not mean that it’s an obligation if it is not God’s will for you. However, if you do feel this call on your life, then stay rooted in God so you don’t veer off wrongly after committing.
Finally, as I opined earlier, singlehood is not a curse. But it should be something that’s part of God’s plan for you, not something that you willfully bring upon yourself. Nevertheless, will God change today? Nah. I don’t think so. If you have been in the single-hood – by or not by your own intention – God can and will change your story, if you will let Him (Joel 2:32, Acts 2:21, Rom. 10:13).
Marriage is a beautiful thing. Do not let the devil’s lies make you think or feel otherwise. God is in your story. Let’s know when He’s blown your mind!
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