Not everyone was born insecure. If you grew up constantly being lambasted, chances are that you may have marred self-confidence. Realizing that this is true of you may hurt. And you may tend towards pointing the accusing finger at your parents or those at the forefront of the hurt. But this doesn’t help anyone.
For many of those involved, they may have unwittingly done what they thought was best at the time. Or passed down the very experiences they were exposed to growing up. Or maybe they did love you deeply, but were at a loss on how to express it rightly.
The good news is that God is a restorer (Joel 2:25-26; Ps. 71:20; Isa. 61:3). He mends what this world has broken, and makes it even more beautiful (Jer. 18:4). It may have happened in the past, but it doesn’t have to define your future (Isa. 43:18-19). So it’s time to own it and rise above it. Hopefully, this article is here to help. It will reveal ways that you can rebuild self-confidence that you may have lost as a child. I pray it helps. Do read on.
Ways To Rebuild Self-Confidence That Was Lost in Childhood
1. Acknowledge the Root Without Living in Bitterness
We don’t always like to visit our past because it brings with it much pain. And sometimes, especially when it concerns those close to us, like our parents, we are a bit hesitant to confront it. But healing begins when we can sit with what happened, acknowledge what hurt us, how it affected us, and name the beliefs we have formed because of it.
As we do so, we have to choose intentionally not to dwell on the past, but rather trust God to heal what was broken and not let a root of bitterness against those involved grow (Heb. 12:15). Trust me, they love you and would have acted differently if they knew better. You will make mistakes too.
So forgive (Col. 3:13), extend grace, own it, and move on. By the way, you could also share how their actions hurt you with them if they are willing to listen. Knowing the truth is one step ahead on your journey to freedom (Jn. 8:32).
2. Separate Your Identity from What Was Spoken Over You
We have all had our fair share of ill words spoken to us. Maybe you were told that you are ugly, foolish, too quiet, too outspoken, weak, unimportant, amorphous, dull, or that you were going to be a nobody in the future.
Unconsciously, you started behaving this way, and it’s affecting your confidence and outlook on life. I would like you to know that if you must rebuild your confidence, then you must replace all those false labels with Truth. The truth is, what was spoken to you in your past may have sounded true in the opinions of those who saw you, and maybe in yours, too.
But hey, in Christ, you are a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). Your past doesn’t have to define you. You can be all that God wants you to be by His grace. So see yourself as God sees you — chosen, loved, redeemed, special, worthy, beautiful, strong, and capable (See Eph. 1; 1 Pet. 2:9). Your Father in Heaven made you wonderfully and fearfully (Ps. 139:14). Affirm it to yourself consistently.
3. Rebuild Confidence Through Small Wins
Some years back, I was a sham and chump at self-confidence. I couldn’t even stand up to the five-year-olds I was tutoring, not to mention my peers or those above me. But God is good. He helped me in a lot of ways and though I am still learning and growing, I know that I have improved greatly.
One of the things that helped me was simply doing things. That sounds scary, right? I mean, how can you do when you’re scared of doing? But hey, that’s where I will borrow an idiosyncrasy from Joyce Meyer: the “Do it afraid” way of thinking. You don’t do it because you finally feel confident.
You act because there’s a greater power working in and through you (Phil. 2:13; 4:13). David knew this, and guess what? He killed Goliath (1 Sam. 17:45,49). The I Am is with you, friend (Heb. 13:5; Matt. 28:20). So, go learn that skill, speak up, set and smash that goal, celebrate your progress, and hey, never despise those little beginnings (Zech. 4:10). Your God is happy to see the work begin.
4. Change Your Inner Conversation
As I study self-confidence, I realize that many of those who lack it have learned to ignite, replay, and profess the vitriol spoken to them in their minds and mouths. You drown in self-pity and tell yourself that what was spoken over you is so for you.
Again, maybe you’re truly learning and growing, but because you lack confidence, you are so hard on yourself to the point of wearing yourself out by your own ginormous rules. Hey, could it be that it’s time to offer yourself a little grace in speech and actions? I often read that many of the things we so easily say to ourselves, we would never be so truculent as to say it to others.
Does this mean that you become a liar on your journey? No, not at all. Rather, embrace who you are now, and give yourself grace to become all that God will have you be while actively working towards it. Let your mind be renewed by the Word of God (Rom. 12:2). Also, let the thoughts and words you have and profess about yourself always pass the Philippians 4:8 test. You’ll be fine.
5. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Some time back, I was so insecure that I compared myself to everyone around who seemed “better” than me. I am a highly introverted and naturally reticent individual. I never thought that I had something that I could offer in my own way.
In fact, I didn’t even think that God saw or cared about people like me. But thank God, I am growing out of that. I shared this because many people like me are also insecure out there. Maybe you feel that you are ugly, dull, not smart, or without a propitious future because you are measuring yourself against those who you feel are qualified.
But hey, God sees you (Gen. 16:13). He made you just the way He wanted you to be — quirks and all. Go to Him and let Him show you the real you — who you truly are. If you must compare, do so with your past and your present to evaluate your progress (Gal. 6:4), and rest in the fact that God can and will use you just the way you are in the way only He can.
6. Surround Yourself with Healthy Voices
If a plant needed clean water to thrive, but only got that which was filthy, then it’s wise to think that no matter how bad it may be now, supplying the plant with clean water and adequate and useful nutrients can revitalize the plant.
If you grew up in a place where you were constantly denigrated and besmirched, then you need an environment where you can be loved, affirmed, and valued just for being you. It was something that was of great value to me. So ask God to lead you to valuable friendships, wise mentors truly invested in your growth, a healthy faith-filled community in your local church or wherever.
Walk with the wise and become wise (Prov. 13:20). Walk with the loved and become loved. Walk with the positive and become positive. Walk with the confident and become confident. Let these people see and affirm the possibilities in you that pain blinded you to. God loves you, friend.
7. Understand That Confidence Is Not Perfection
As I battled low self-confidence, one of the things I told myself was that if I improved every version of myself, that is, if I did away with all my flaws, then I would be confident. And yes, I did improve, but I still have flaws, make mistakes, and have weaknesses. I still battle fear.
Someone I deeply respect told me that you don’t have to feel confident to be confident. I doubt that David did not feel fear when he faced Goliath, or Esther when she stood before the king. Yet they still stood because of the One whom they knew they had within (1 Jn. 4:4). They knew they were His and He would grant them victory.
Confident people still make mistakes, feel fear, and have weaknesses. But they no longer define themselves by those things. They believe they are valuable regardless and depend on God’s sufficient grace (2 Cor. 12:9).
8. Learn to Receive Love Without Distrust
If you grew up only praised for your wins and not your efforts, there’s a tendency for you to feel that love must be earned to be true. And so it would be easy to feel suspicious of people who shower you with undeserved kindness.
However, a critical point that will make a salient difference in your life is learning to receive love without distrust from others. We spoke about the power of community and staying around healthy voices at a point above. But you can only be helped when you open your heart to receive the love given to you.
Not everyone will treat you the way that you were treated before, and it gets better if they are mature believers. Just pray and trust God for wisdom (Jas. 1:5), direction, and courage. You do not need to fear when His love is your anchor (1 Jn. 4:18).
9. Allow God to Heal the Inner Child
God is close to the brokenhearted (Ps. 147:3). Even though many may never understand, He does (Heb. 4:15-16). He was rejected and criticized, too (Isa. 53:3), so your feelings are on His radar. To follow all the points listed above and participate actively, you will need a force greater than your own self-will.
You will need God. You will need to know Him for who He really is — that He is Father and Friend as much as He is Lord of all. So take the brokenness to Him. Lay it at His feet. Cry if you have to. Then, as He graciously enables you, work to overcome it.
Study His Word too diligently that you may know what He thinks of and sees in you (Josh. 1:8; Ps. 1:1-3). Journal your thoughts too, and take those God-empowered baby steps. God is more committed to you than you will ever know, and yeah, by His strength, there’s really nothing that He’s called you to do that you cannot do (Phil. 4:13). Glory!
Finally, if your self-confidence was marred in childhood, the good news is that you need not stay that way. You can still rebuild it — slowly yet surely. God restores, and who knows, your confidence in the future might startle you, as well as boggle the minds of all those who knew you to the glory of God.
So start by acknowledging the root and naming the beliefs you have formed because of it, separating your identity from what was spoken over you, ditching comparison and celebrating your uniqueness, changing your inner conversation, joining a healthy community, taking those God-empowered baby steps, and finally, letting God do His thing!
Again, I say to you that God is more committed to you than you will ever know, and by His strength, there’s really nothing that He’s called you to do that you cannot do. Glory!
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