Nothing stings worse than the pangs of regret. Knowing that something could have been avoided but it was not. Many a time, our today is a consequence of our yesterday. The choices we made blindly in the past are our eyes-wide-open realities today.
If we know this, then it opens our eyes to the realization that although God is sovereign over our lives, He gives us the wisdom and discernment to make the right choices and, consequently, to obviate regret. These choices are the kind that we can be proud of and will result in His praise and glory as time goes on. Proverbs 22:3 reveals a truth that is echoed in 27:12. It says:
“A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”
So maybe you’re in a relationship right now. You’re not at peace. You can see that character flaw. Some people who love you have pointed it out to you. But somehow, your emotions are playing a fast one on you. This article is a call back home. A call to ponder again. A call to make the right decision for your future.
It will reveal common red flags that should not be dismissed lightly in a dating relationship but should be addressed with caution and the wisdom God graciously gives. I pray it blesses your heart and helps. Do read on!
Important Red Flags That Should Not Be Ignored in a Relationship
1. A Pattern of Consistent Dishonesty
Have you been or are you in a relationship with someone who says this today, and something different tomorrow, and yet, all are different from what he or she said yesterday? That’s already a danger signal. Marriage is a relationship for life, and you need to genuinely know your partner if there is to be any foundational trust, intimacy, or security in that relationship.
Scripture says that two will become one (Gen. 2:24). Not two of him and one of you – your genuine selves. So watch out if a potential partner lies even in trivial matters repeatedly, hides important information about themselves, their background, or family, makes promises they never keep, or changes stories repeatedly.
Also be on the lookout for inconsistencies between what they say and what others report, if they become defensive or angry when questioned rather than explaining transparently, or if they have a history of deceiving previous partners, employers, or family members. Scripture emphasizes speaking the truth in love (Eph. 4:25) and walking in integrity (Prov. 10:9). If your partner does differently, have a rethink.
2. Explosive Anger and Poor Emotional Regulation
Everyone gets angry. But the important question to ask is what we do with or how we deal with that anger. There’s an important caveat we see in Ephesians 4:26: “Be angry and do not sin”. Proverbs 29:22 also tells us that, “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression”.
It simply means that a potential partner “given to anger” is a candidate for several transgressions. That’s where abuse starts: from a lack of patience, tolerance, and an angry spirit. So watch out if your partner is always enraged over minor inconveniences or disappointments.
Be mindful if he or she yells, name-calls or uses contemptuous language, punches walls, throws objects, engages in other property destruction, or makes you feel responsible for managing their emotional state. Remember that if you don’t address it now, you have no one to blame when you have a black eye two weeks into your marriage.
3. A Lack of Respect for You and Others
I have a book on my shelf called “Love and Respect”. It posits these as the two core vital ingredients of a thriving relationship. And that’s not far from the truth. A good partner respects you for who you are. If a partner constantly belittles, denigrates, mocks your opinions, embarrasses you publicly, or dismisses your feelings, that should sound the alarm.
Again, it would be easy for a partner to pretend to be respectful to you in dating or courtship to win your admiration, but their true character often reveals itself in the way they treat others who they don’t have anything to benefit from, or whom they have a “natural aversion” to.
These people can include your parents, waiters, subordinates, their ex-partners, or strangers. If they treat these people with contempt, it tells you what they are truly made of (Matt. 7:20). Scripture enjoins us to be respectful to all, and to be mindful of our words (1 Pet. 2:17; Rom. 13:7; Eph. 4:29). If this is lacking in a potential partner, think again.
4. Controlling Behavior Disguised as Love
We all want it. Don’t we? We like our partners to be protective of us, to tell us we’re the only ones in their world, to feel that they are so committed to us because they can’t stand the thought of losing us. As beautiful as this sounds, sometimes, it tends towards possessiveness.
When a partner gets jealous for no obvious reason, or begins monitoring your every move while you are dating, it signals that you may face a lack of freedom in marriage, which is not God’s idea for you (2 Cor. 3:17). So watch out if a potential partner consistently monitors your phone, social media, or communications, or demands to know your whereabouts at all times.
Also be cautious if he or she dictates what you wear, who you see, or where you go, uses jealousy as a justification for unreasonable demands, or makes decisions for you without consultation. The God-kinda love does not “insist on its own way” (1 Cor. 13:5). So if you have a partner who does these, be on the alert.
5. Refusal to Accept Responsibility or Be Accountable
Some people find the words, “I am sorry,” a giant not worth confronting. So they continually shift blame and are never accountable or take responsibility for their actions. These people cannot grow. People are imperfect and will always make mistakes, especially in a relationship like marriage.
So words like: “I was wrong, I am sorry, I will change” cannot be overemphasized even in a dating relationship. If a potential partner consistently deflects blame onto others, circumstances, or offers non-apologies such as: “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry, but you made me-“, or becomes defensive, aggressive, or silent when confronted with wrongdoing, ponder.
Notice also if he or she consistently repeats the same harmful behaviors despite expressed remorse, or denies, minimizes, or reframes past events when confronted. Proverbs 28:13 helps us understand the place of true confession and forsaking of wrongdoing in the quest for growth. Don’t ignore it if a partner does the opposite.
6. A Pattern of Unfaithfulness
Many folks think that they have singlehood to enjoy their lives in the carefree way they want. Somehow, they think that marriage solves the problem of infidelity. But this is far from the truth. A person who cheats now will not miraculously change in marriage except for a genuine transformation by God.
While it’s true that a potential partner may have a bad past that included cheating or sexual immorality, it should be what it is: the past. If you still notice patterns of cheating, flirting irresponsibly, emotional affairs, or secretive behavior, don’t simply dismiss it lightly.
God commands us to live sexually pure lives (1 Thess. 4:3-4; 1 Cor. 6:18-20). That’s why people like Joseph and Mary won His heart (Gen. 39:9-10; Lk. 1:26-28). Don’t follow a partner who does otherwise, and hey, don’t do otherwise either.
7. Disregard for Boundaries
At an earlier point, we spoke about respect having a front row in thriving relationships. And it also extends to your boundaries. A partner who respects you will also respect your boundaries.
If a potential partner pressures you sexually, ignores or denigrates your convictions, refuses to respect your limits, or uses guilt to get their way, then such a partner may not be really meant for you. Let’s think about Joseph. He was a man of integrity. We learn that although he was engaged to Mary, they did not intimately know each other.
Even when he heard about her encounter with God and His message to her, He didn’t mock her or shout, “Oh, how the mighty have fallen”; he still respected her till that moment (Matt. 1:18-25). Don’t be ashamed of your boundaries or think that you are too rigid for having them in place. The Bible says to “guard your heart” (Prov. 4:23). And a true partner enters by knocking politely on the gate, not by trying to pull the walls down.
8. Substance Abuse or Destructive Addictive Behaviors
It starts slowly. Before you know it, you’re hooked. It can be easy to pass over or ignore an addictive behaviour in a potential partner because you’re “in love,” or because you enjoy some benefits. And sometimes, it’s not only about substance abuse like alcohol or drugs.
It may be as innocent as gambling, or pornography, or even excessive spending. But Scripture is clear about the price of addictive behaviours. Prov. 20:1 and 21:17 show us that addictive behaviours are simply acts of folly that tend to ruin their culprits. But it’s not just them.
So many problems can arise if addictive behaviours are left unaddressed in a committed relationship. Yes, we are to be compassionate towards those who are helpless in addiction, but this doesn’t mean committing to them without a decision by them to change as enabled by God. Capish?
9. Isolation from Wise Counsel, Family, and Friends
I learned that when a lion wants to attack a pack of antelopes, it rarely pounces on them all at once. No, it isolates at least one of them. When it’s powerless, it strikes. A partner could be just the same or worse.
Observe if a partner often creates conflict with your family until you reduce contact, expresses jealousy or insecurity about your friendships, monopolizes your time so that other relationships atrophy naturally, criticizes your friends and family until you begin to see them through your partner’s eyes, or uses the phrase: “I just want it to be us”.
A partner who’s right and who truly loves you will celebrate you, enrich your relationships, and will respect and submit to authorities that can hold you both accountable. A partner who does otherwise simply wants to take advantage of you with no one to hold him to ransom. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 tells of the importance of community. You need people. Don’t let a partner convince you otherwise.
10. Refusing to Define or Commit to the Relationship
You know the famous cliché: friends with benefits. Some partners are masters at the art when it comes to this. They desire to enjoy the benefits of a committed relationship, such as emotional intimacy, physical affection, time, and priority, but constantly refuse to finalize or commit to a future with you.
While it’s true that sometimes, some people may need time to think carefully or prepare, someone who wants the benefits, but not the accountability of a committed relationship is already communicating a “no” without saying it literally.
This can manifest in different ways, like indefinite avoidance of conversations about the relationship’s direction, resistance to meeting family or being introduced as a partner, keeping the relationship hidden, giving vague responses to direct questions about the future, or always giving another reason why now is not the right time. Scripture enjoins us not to play hanky panky with our words. If it’s a no, let it be so. And if it’s a yes, let it be so too (Matt. 5:37).
11. A Lack of Direction and Willingness to Work
Thinking about the wedding day is fun. But we often forget that some hours after the wedding day, there’s real work to be done, and yes, bills to pay. It’s true that not all partners “make it” before committing, and that should not even be the sole yardstick for consideration of committing to a partner.
However, a potential life-mate should be responsible and show the willingness and readiness to do the yardwork. If a partner gists and plays video games all day, that’s a red flag. If a partner is only concerned about fashion and shows, and not about the future, that’s a problem too. Yes, it doesn’t mean living only worried about the future.
Jesus did say to let each day worry for itself (Matt. 6:34), but that doesn’t mean He encourages living recklessly without planning or a sense of responsibility (Prov. 21:5; 24:30-34; 30:25). So think forward and don’t simply follow someone who’s romantic but who doesn’t have a clear vision for tomorrow.
12. Spiritual Inconsistency And Incompatibility
As a child of God, one thing you cannot afford to jeopardize is a shared faith. It doesn’t mean that a potential partner cannot genuinely repent and be transformed, but you have to know that what you’re diving into is based solely on hope, not evidence – and that is risky.
The Bible tells us not to be equally yoked together with unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14). And this metaphorical example shows that without an “equal yoking,” progress is simply a distant idea (Amos 3:3). There’s something tricky about this again, though. There are “nominal” Christians who profess Christ but do not truly know Him.
Care must be taken when making decisions for commitment with such people. Also, watch out for those who use Scripture as a tool for manipulation or who discourage your own personal walk with the Lord. There’s nothing more beautiful than seeing two people who genuinely love the Lord walk together in a God-honoring union. Don’t treat it as picayune.
Finally, red flags are a signal that something is wrong and needs to be treated with caution, especially if they are consistent patterns. Identifying them doesn’t always mean ending the relationship or ignoring them and going blindly to doom. It simply requires waiting long enough on the Holy Spirit to know what you must do (Jas. 1:5; Ps. 32:8). You should seek counsel too, and in another case, confront your partner about these with wisdom.
If he or she is right, he or she will see this as an opportunity for genuine repentance, growth, and transformation, signalling a new beginning for the relationship. However, if God says to let go, ask Him for the courage to do so. He is faithful and will distance you from the wrong people. Don’t trade your future for the now. God’s best is always worth waiting for. Till I write to you again, stay blessed.
Written for Smartcouples.net © 2026. All rights reserved.
