We’ve all been there. At least, I know I have. Somewhere between longing and uncertainty, you’re in the middle – stuck. You do want to get married, but you wonder: What if? You rehearse the images you were exposed to growing up. You rehearse those you have seen from your aunt, neighbor, and close friend.
Something says: it’s not worth it. But deep down, you want it. So you’re there in a corner in your room paralyzed by fear as you consider your options.
Hey, what if I told you that you must not live in fear but you can embrace boldly the future God has for you? Sounds interesting, right? I bet. Join me as we explore helpful ways to overcome the fear of marrying the wrong person. I pray it helps. Do read on.
By the way, it’s helpful to establish that the word “wrong” as used here doesn’t mean that a potential partner is a wrong human being as created by God, or is the only one with flaws, weaknesses, or imperfections. We all have those.
Rather, a wrong person is someone whose character, values, choices, or life direction make them unsuitable for a healthy, God-honoring marriage with you. In other words, it is a person who is unwilling or unable to build the kind of marriage God intends with you. So with that said, shall we proceed?
Ways To Overcome the Fear of Marrying the Wrong Person
1. Invite God Into the Decision-Making Process
God is the author of our stories, including our love stories (Jer. 1:5, 29:11). We don’t know ourselves or our futures as well as God does. Something may look right or wrong in our own estimation but that may not necessarily be the mind of God on the matter.
Our Father well knows how important it is for us to marry rightly, not just for our fulfillment but for the sake of His glory. And He doesn’t want us to carry the burden alone (Matt. 11:28-30; 1 Pet. 5:7; Ps. 55:22). Do you remember how God led Rebekah to Isaac in Genesis 24? That was the power of prayer at work.
So invite God as you would a Father who cares. Tell Him everything, including your fears. Pray about any relationship, your motives, areas of concern, and future direction. Ask God for discernment, wisdom, peace, and clarity. There’s never been a more faithful Friend than Him.
2. Evaluate the Root of Your Fear
I read a book last year about fear. I learned that scripturally, fear came as a result of man’s awareness of his wrongdoing. That’s how fear entered a perfect world. As a result of our fallen nature now, biologically, fear is a natural response our brain gives when we sense something inimical.
However, what should be natural can pose a problem when it’s sustained and paralyzing. Most times, this fear has been triggered by something. To overcome your fear of marrying the wrong person, start with an honest analysis of why you are very afraid in the first place. Could it be a result of the divorce case profiles around you?
Or something you have lived growing up? Or could it be attached to a wrong perception you have about God? Whatever, tell yourself the truth about your fear and counter it with the Truth of what God says (Jn. 8:32). You may want to write it down. Then continually affirm God’s truth as you prophesy over your life (Job 22:28). There’s a way this aligns your thoughts rightly.
3. Understand That Fear and Wisdom Are Not the Same Thing
Many a time, what we call wisdom is actually masked fear. Instead of carefully discerning, we’re stuck in a cycle of uncertainty and anxiety, thinking: What if I miss it? What if I make a mistake? What if I miss God’s will? This keeps us paralyzed instead of being proactive. Instead, we should ask:
What can I learn about this person? Are our values aligned? Are there red flags I should be worried about? This perspective shift is crucial. Still, sometimes, it truly may be the Holy Spirit lovingly cautioning you and giving you a holy unrest because He wants you to pause and ponder.
In times like these, it’s crucial to wait on and listen to Him, letting His peace act as an umpire in your soul (Col. 3:15). And what does God say in His Word? He has not given us a spirit of fear but that of a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7). A sound mind is discerning, not fearful. So ask God to fan some flames on those ebbing discernment coals.
4. Stop Looking for a Perfect Person
If you are afraid of marrying wrong, then you have to marry right, eh? That’s truth you don’t have to travel to Madagascar to realize. Yet sometimes, we take it a little too far. In our quest not to make a mistake, we search for quintessential, pristine paragons of partners.
Bad news? They don’t exist. The Bible tells us that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). And even when we receive Christ, though our Spirit man is new, we are still on a journey of transformation (2 Cor. 3:18).
So your potential partner will still have weaknesses, flaws, pitfalls, and areas requiring growth. The right question to ask is not: Is he or she perfect? Rather, it is: Is this person godly, teachable, and willing to put in the work required for growth?
5. Focus on Character More Than Chemistry
Sometimes, the wrong person may be glaring at you. You just don’t want to tell yourself the truth. This may be so because you are deeply attracted to the person in question. Maybe he or she ticks all the “spec” boxes. But in a marriage, character is to be prized over attraction.
It doesn’t mean that you should not be attracted to your partner. But it should not end there. Look for traits such as integrity, humility, faithfulness, self-control, kindness, and accountability. It doesn’t mean perfection but progress.
Ask yourself: Do I see that this person is truly (not pretending) and consistently yielding to the work of the Holy Spirit in his or her life? Is this person growing in the manifestation of the fruits of the Spirit? (Gal. 5:22-23) Remember that, by their fruits, you will recognize them (Matt. 7:20).
6. Address Red Flags Instead of Ignoring Them
I always wondered why red flags were given the color red. As I thought deeply, I realized that the color red often signals danger. It signals a stop. As you look for salient character traits in a person, don’t ignore the wrong ones that are glaring.
While it’s true that some are irrational, when you notice patterns of dishonesty, manipulation, uncontrolled anger, lack of accountability, spiritual inconsistency, and abusive tendencies, that should sound an alarm in you. It doesn’t always mean ending the relationship but it sure means asking God for wisdom on what to do (Jas. 1:5).
Don’t just ignore them and believe that they’ll miraculously disappear because you are head over heels. Take a look at the wisdom in this verse: “The prudent see danger and take refuge” (Prov. 22:3). Don’t be like ol’ Samson (Judg. 14:1-3). You’re not too anointed to fall (1 Cor. 10:12).
7. Seek Wise Counsel
The love story of Ruth and Boaz is quite an interesting one, we can all learn from. Ruth, a widow and foreigner, was ingrafted into the lineage of our Lord, Jesus Christ (See Matt. 1). One particular thing worthy of note is that Ruth was hardly ever acting on her own. She was acting as directed by her mother-in-law, Naomi (Ruth 3:1-5).
In your quest to choose a partner – the right one – it is impolitic to do it all alone, trusting solely in your judgment. God intentionally places people ahead of you who have walked the path to lead you and guide you. So open your heart and be submissive (Prov. 15:22, 19:20).
It doesn’t mean outsourcing your decision or seeking so many voices that will addle your mind. No! If anything, ask God to lead you to the right mentor, a mature Christian couple (it could be your parents), pastor, counselor, or spiritual leader, and be willing to ponder and obey what they bring into the light. They may be able to see what your emotions are blinding you to.
8. Remember That Marriage Is Sustained by Commitment, Not Compatibility Alone
Much of the ideology today tells us to find that one person who perfectly completes us. The one who fits us perfectly, as in the lock-and-key hypothesis. We desire this because we believe that if we’re compatible in every way, then every problem will fade away.
While compatibility should not be done without willy-nilly because it’s also of high importance, remember that a marriage is a union of two imperfect people who put in the work as empowered by the Holy Spirit to make it work.
It’s about the covenant (Gen. 2:24), not just what’s convenient for us. As stated earlier, there’s no perfect partner, but if you find one who truly loves the Lord and understands that marriage is for your sanctification just as Christ did for the church (See Eph. 5:22-33), then girl, put him up for consideration.
9. Become The Right Person
What we are is usually what we attract. Sometimes, we obsess over finding the right person when we’re not even right ourselves. A good question we should ask ourselves is: would I be elated to marry me? After you have provided an honest, thoughtful answer, it should call for a change on your part.
Are there character flaws you have? How is your manner of approach in relating to people? How is your comportment physically and otherwise? How is your relationship with God? You know, it’s quite selfish to want the very best when you are not your very best. While it’s true that we’re all imperfect and on a journey, it doesn’t cost a dime to be intentional about growth.
The Bible says to treat others as you would like to be treated (Matt. 7:12; Lk. 6:31). So if you want God to send the right person your way, ask Him for the grace to become the right person. That way, you’re someone’s answered prayer too, and it’s a win-win for you both. God surely knows how to match!
10. Embrace Pre-Marital Preparation as Confidence-Building
Ever sat in a class to write a test and, from seeing the first three questions, you can already swear that you see an F9 glaring at you? Thinking back, you remember how groggy you felt last night after the party, so that you couldn’t read.
That’s a similar way you could expect a relationship to turn out when you are unprepared. Truly, some people do really well without any preparation, but how sure are you that you would be among the lucky 1%? Preparation breeds confidence even when you are unsure what to expect.
So learn on time how to evaluate key aspects of a relationship like values, expectations, conflict styles, finances, family of origin, and faith; discuss the hard topics about faith, finance, fertility issues, parenting philosophies, in-law relationships, spiritual disciplines, career upskilling, and you name them. Again, pray together as partners in a courtship before becoming partners in a marriage. Learn from Proverbs 24:27.
11. Trust God’s Ability as the Author of Your Love Story to Guide You
How do you see God? A tyrant or a Father? Seeing God rightly and receiving His love is one way to combat fear (1 Jn. 4:18). Ask yourself: Would the God who died for you leave you when it matters most? If you have experienced God’s faithfulness in the mundane of everyday life, then trust that He won’t leave you now.
A lot of times, we’re agitated and scared of missing God’s will, and that’s not an irrational fear. But you know what fear often signals: that God is not faithful enough to be trusted with your heart. Yes! So rather than worry, follow the good ol’ hymn: trust and obey.
Simply pray, surrender, truly love, delight in, seek Him first, actively pursue Him, play your part, and trust His ability to guide you. Scripture says that we will hear a voice behind us telling us just what to do (Isa. 30:21). And the good part, even if we miss it, He is faithful to redeem. But we won’t miss it, by His grace. Bank on Him, friend. He is faithful and He loves you!
Finally, I would love you to leave with this:
Our imperfect decision-making does not cancel God’s will for us. It doesn’t mean choosing carelessly but committing our way to Him. As Scripture says: We may plan our ways, but God establishes our steps (Prov. 16:9). God sees us, and He is actively involved in the lives of His kids, especially those who love Him. So take a chill pill, quit worrying, and pray and surrender instead (Prov. 3:5-6, 16:3). Play your part and trust that the God who started His work in you is faithful to complete it (Phil. 1:6).
Declare with me: The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me!
That’s the spirit! Stay blessed, friend.
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