10 Significant Ways To Trust Again In A Relationship
How can I trust again? What do I do with my trust issues in a relationship and how do I overcome them? How do I build a meaningful relationship dealing with trust issues? Sounds familiar?
Let me tell you a story. There’s this young girl I know of. She’s a very intelligent girl with a great heart. At first glance, one would believe that this girl had it all together – nothing missing, nothing broken. But was this true?
This young girl had been through some tough times growing up. And so, she had learned to rely on herself and trust only her instincts because boy! She had been a home for tons of rejections. So, her survival strategy was to build walls so high to fence her in that no one could come near her. Kind of reminds me of Rapunzel. But then, as protective as these walls were, they also fenced out the “Eugene’s” who could have brought so much joy to her life.
It took time, but slowly, she learned to let down her guard and trust again.
I bet you enjoyed my story and wished I could go on. But sadly, every story has an ending, so we’ll go right into today’s business. Stay with me.
In a broken world such as ours, we get our fair share of disappointments, betrayals, rejections and what have you. They are not inevitable, but their effects can have lasting impacts on us. Maybe you were not rejected or betrayed by someone, but you have a scar of abuse that was inflicted upon you by someone you held in high regard.
No kidding, it hurts so much. Maybe, just like the young girl in my story, you have just built this wall around yourself and become so comfortable relying on only yourself because that way, the odds of betrayal are lessened.
But hey, can I tell you what’s bad about walling yourself in? You also wall the good people out. And boy! Are there good people? God has epic plans for something way better for you, my dear (Jer. 29:11). However, if you want to live the thriving, abundant life that God desires for you as He declares in John 10:10, you may just have to learn to trust again. But how do you do this? That’s the focus of this article. This article will let you in on helpful ways that you can overcome trust issues and come into the great life God desires for you.
But wait, what is trust, and what is meant by trust issues?
My dictionary defines trust as “confidence or reliance on some person or quality.” So, when we say we trust God, it means we rely on or are confident in His person. If you trust your dad, it also means you rely on him. So then, what are trust issues? Trust issues are simply having difficulties relying on others due to past traumas or deep emotional wounds. They often stem from situations when one has been hurt, betrayed, let down, or faced several disappointments that one may feel hesitant, insecure, or suspicious to trust others in future relationships.
This can manifest in professional settings, family settings, and even relationships with a partner or spouse. For all these, and especially for the latter, being able to open up emotionally leads to a stronger bond of connection and a meaningful relationship. But with trust issues, this may not be possible. So, how do you deal with them?
Ways to Overcome Trust Issues
1. Acknowledge that you have trust issues
The first step to healing is acknowledging that there is something wrong. For as long as you stay in denial, you will never see the problem of broken trust as a major issue to tackle. You will only become defensive of a problem that needs your attention, which will, in turn, cost you even healthier relationships and the abundant life God wants you to have.
There’s a reason why even when we accept Christ, we have to admit that we have sinned. Why? Because unless we do so, we never realize that we need help. There’s no need to take medication for a sickness that has not been established. So, if you have noticed that you have issues trusting people, then tell it to yourself so you can seek help.
2. Dig deep to know the root cause
Now that you have acknowledged that you have trust issues and you need help, it will be vital to take a brief journey through memory lane. Some people stopped trusting others due to hurtful experiences in their past. Perhaps a rejection by a classmate or date, betrayal by a loved one, disappointment by parents, or even abuse of some sort.
Whichever, I would advise that you get alone in a quiet place. Get a journal and pen. Think deep into the libraries in your mind. What experiences have triggered your issues with trust? You will need to identify these, so you can face them with the right solutions.
Once you have dug deep, do not deny your hurt. If you can, grieve it, but don’t stay there. Go find help.
3. Entrust your trust issues to God
Before you take action, say, seek a counselor or any professional, it is expedient that you let God in on how you feel. Our Lord Jesus knows what it feels like to be betrayed, to be rejected, to be deserted by those who had pledged allegiance to Him (Is. 53:3-4, Lk. 22:48, Mk. 14:50). So He knows exactly how you feel. Ditch trying to sound all perfect and like you have got it all figured out.
Tell God, “Dad, I trusted my dad, but he spurned my trust. He took advantage of me and verbally abused me. I want to forgive him and be able to trust others whom you have placed in my life to help me. Please, teach me how.” And trust me when I say He will. He can bring good people your way, lead you to others, or give you wisdom on how to heal (Ps. 32:8, Jas. 1:5).
Other times, He can lead you to truths in His Word that will prove helpful for your restoration. Make a habit of meditating on these (Josh. 1:8). Again, you must tell yourself that only God is completely trustworthy (Ps. 19:7). So, of course, others can fail you. Nevertheless, He can give you a heart to trust the right people if you will let Him.
4. Dare to share your story with someone
There is power in fellowship (Ps. 133:1-3, Prov. 27:17). When you choose to be vulnerable and talk it out with someone, you’re on the path of healing. This can be a Christian counselor, therapist, mature believer, or friend. It can even be your partner. Of course, this may not be easy. You have trust issues remember? But yeah, that’s why the point before this tells you to entrust your trust issues to God. He will lead you aright. You can count on that.
The Bible also tells us that as we confess our faults to each other and pray for each other, we are healed (James. 5:16). So trust God to lead you to someone. There are good people out there who love you and desire to see you become all that God wants you to be. The key thing is to dare to share your story with that person whom God leads you to. Don’t shut in. Your healing awaits.
5. Forgive past hurts (Eph. 4:31-32)
In most cases, trust issues stem from a place of hurt. Yes, it is true that what they did to you was not right, nor was it fair. No human deserves to be treated that way and you’re not an exception. But if you want to move forward, then you have to come to terms with what really happened and choose to forgive.
If you choose the unhealthy paths of bitterness and revenge, that’s just what your life will bring – a lack of sweetness and savor to those around you. People will just endure you and you will miss out on a great many meaningful relationships – even with your future spouse, if you’re not careful.
So, yes, make a choice to forgive. And nope, this is not to say that’s the easiest thing to do. But God feels our hurt and he can relate (Heb. 4:15-16). Just commit it to Him and let Him help you forgive. It might be necessary, too, to talk it out with the perpetrator of your hurt if that is possible. Let them know how they have hurt you and if they are willing, the relationship can be restored (even though in some cases where it would be harmful, things do not need to be exactly as they were before).
Now, to something a bit tricky. There are times when we feel that the unjust person in our life is God Himself. You know, that feeling when you think He has been unfair to you. One helpful thing is to remind yourself constantly, “I forgive you, God.” Now, don’t get me wrong or think it’s unchristian to do that. It may be. But the whole essence is not to say that God needs your forgiveness – far from that – but it’s just a reminder that you choose not to hold grudges against God for the hurt that has happened in your life. Okay?
6. Challenge negative thoughts (2 Cor. 10:4-5)
Because you have witnessed experiences that have been recorded on your mental camera and which trigger your emotions, you may have cause to watch your thought life. In your course of healing, you may meet people whose kindness to you triggers thoughts of “What if I’m hurt again?” “What if I’m betrayed?” But that will only leave you in a pit of disaster.
The Bible tells us that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he (Prov. 23:7). So if your thought life is characterized by thoughts of anxiety, suspicion, and fear, you may need a thought-swap. Refuse to think of anything that contradicts what God says about you and the people around you. Take every thought captive and think about what you’re thinking about (2 Cor. 10:5). Your thought influences your life. As you think right, you will find it easier to trust. Will you commit to renewing your mind? (Rom. 12:2)
7. Develop a better self-image
For some people, trust issues manifest from personality traits, especially more introverted people who are used to being alone and depending on themselves for all that they need. Another thing they suffer from is low self-esteem. So for people like these, trusting others is like giving up what’s already in their control, which makes them feel incapacitated or incapable on their own.
To overcome trust issues, therefore, we should start by building a better self-image. The more you see yourself the way God sees you, the more you will realize that getting help from people does not mean that you’re not able. In fact, it’s a sign of strength. Our strength as children of God is measured in our dependence on our Father in times of weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). So give a shot at building your self-confidence and you’ll get better at trusting others.
8. Set Realistic Expectations
It seems as though the more you expect, the more you set yourself up for disappointment, right? The rational thing to do is to set a big “Do not expect” symbol on the door to your heart. However, that will also have its fair share of palaver. The key is to have expectations but ensure that they are realistic. Sometimes, it’s better to even share your expectations with others, so you don’t end up disappointed when they fail you.
Nevertheless, remember that only God is completely faithful and trustworthy (2 Sam. 7:28, Ps. 21:7). Only He cannot fail you. So cut others some slack and give others the benefit of the doubt too. This will prove helpful. You can bet on it.
9. Guard your heart wisely (Prov. 4:23)
And yeah, while it’s helpful to trust others even as you heal, it’s beneficial to not just let your heart be a dumping ground where people can do what they like. Your heart should not be some sort of ping-pong ball that is tossed to and fro just because you’re trying to trust others. You have to be careful and discerning as you trust others when you are on your journey to healing and restoration – especially towards those who may have perpetrated the hurt before.
Let’s look at Joseph. His brothers betrayed him once. Did he forgive them? Oh yes, he did. But they had to earn his trust through what they did before he could commit to trusting them fully once again (See Gen. 37, 44, and 45). So yeah, it’s good to start trusting, but be careful so you don’t end up worse than before. Sure, it doesn’t mean your trust will never be broken. We live in an imperfect world with broken people, but being discerning lessens the odds.
10. Take responsibility for your actions
Now, this is very important. When you have trust issues, it’s easy to blame everyone around you – your classmates, parents, church leaders, teachers, the government, and even the circumstances around you. But hey! The blame game has no reward for its winners. It only brings more debt.
So you have to be intentional about ditching the past and moving forward to be all that God has called you to be. This may mean that you follow the steps above courageously or even that you get a plethora of resources on how to deal with trust issues, just like this one. It could be books, podcasts, or shows. Remember that they should be resources that leave you better not bitter. You can trust God to lead you to them.
Again, the golden rule is that you should treat others the way you would like to be treated (Matt. 7:12). If you believe that to be true, then you should know that trust begets trust. So, if you want people to be trustworthy towards you, you have to earn their trust, too. I hope that helps.
Finally, our dear God has this to say:
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
And this: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
So, yeah, God is near to you. He longs to heal your wounds and bind up your broken heart. But you have to be bold enough to reach out to him and follow the steps outlined above. As you do so, you will find richer and more meaningful relationships and connections with the ones you love. I can’t wait to see you strong, whole, and trusting again. Till then, stay still trusting your Heavenly Father who loves you (1 Jn. 3:1). I trust you to do that. You’re loved and blessed!
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