6 Major Causes Of Domestic Violence
Often, I hear conversations about marriage, especially by young people. In most conversations, one statement rings clear: there should be an escape route. Of course, it is a signal for worry. Marriage, as originally intended, is a beautiful union created by God to model His love relationship with us. It is intended to display His faithfulness to us, His bride, and our faithfulness to Him through unalloyed devotion.
But with recent happenings in society, many people cannot help but feel hopeless about marriage. They can only plan on how to save their dear lives. Think about a young lady who spent her childhood watching her parents fight all day. She grew up with the memory of her dad pushing her mom off the stairs.
This girl was haunted by memories of her past, and after much time and trust, gave her heart to the one she loved. It only took a few nights after their honeymoon for him to turn her into a punching bag. She lived feeling like dirt, even in a home where she was to be treated as gold – a reward.
No one likes these sorts of stories, but sadly, a lot of people are living them. You may be too. Not exactly, but in some way. The truth is, domestic violence is ravaging and damaging many homes and societies. Something needs to be done, and urgently.
The first part of this article was written to show you what domestic violence is, help you see that it is never part of God’s perfect design for marriage, and reveal some of the major factors that cause or motivate it. I pray that God helps you find help. Do read on.
What is Domestic Violence?
Let us consider each of the terms distinctly. The word, “violence” means any action intended to cause harm, pain, and suffering. It also means injustice or wrong. The word, “domestic” means pertaining to the home. Put together would mean any action intended to cause harm, pain, or suffering in the home. Domestic violence is any pattern of behaviors used to gain or keep power and control over an intimate partner, household member, or family.
Notice some key words: pattern, power, control. I highlighted these because every marriage has its fair share of challenges. Sometimes, partners may go through challenging seasons that may test their resolve. This cannot always be termed domestic violence, not until it is truly intended to cause pain and suffering, and if it has become a “pattern of behavior,” meaning that it occurs repeatedly.
Domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse like fighting, slapping, hitting, or using a weapon. It could also be verbal, (in the case where a partner is constantly insulted, besmirched, threatened or gaslighted), psychological (through isolation), sexual (through coerced sex, marital rape), financial (through controlling money, preventing work), digital (through surveillance, coercive messaging) or might I add, even spiritual (when one misapplies Scripture to keep a victim tied down to abuse).
While some of these seem subtle, and one may dare to argue that it is not abuse, as long as there is a higher, controlling, dominant power, with no mutual consent between the parties involved, and when the victim feels powerless about the situation, it is abuse.
What does God have to Say About Domestic Violence?
In a way, due to cultural beliefs and some misapplication of Scripture, some people have identified with the idea that domestic violence may be a God-idea. It sounds preposterous, but it is what it is. Let me explain. The Bible teaches us to endure persecution and suffering as faithful followers of Christ (2 Tim. 3:12, Rom. 12:12). But does the Bible mean this in a case of domestic violence, and especially within the context of marriage?
Ephesians 5:21-33 tells us what God’s idea of an ideal marriage should be like. It does mention words like submission, but it also mentions love. In fact, a woman’s desire to submit should naturally be borne out of the love her husband has for her, just like we submit to Christ because of His love for us. This does not mean that there should be rebellion if a partner does otherwise, but let’s get God’s original picture.
God created two people to be one. Paul says this about their union:
“No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become ‘one flesh.'” (Eph. 5:29-31).
So you see that God never created domestic violence as a part of the package for marriage. Even when some abusers manipulatively quote terms like “weaker vessels,” they seem to ignore the rest of the verse.
The King James Version, which originally uses this term so often misapplied, puts it this way:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7).
You can see that what is intended for the “weaker vessel” as is often used is “honor,” not abuse. And the Bible does call them “heirs together” of the grace of life. If the Bible called the female partner “weaker,” I believe it intended a physical weakness, not because God had made her inferior, but because He has naturally endowed the man with strength to protect, not abuse.
I made a random check of the words “justice” and “mercy” in the Bible, and I discovered that each of them is mentioned over a hundred times in the Bible. In most cases, those are the traits God uses to introduce Himself (Ex. 34:6, Is. 61:8). They are the nub of what matters to Him, and what He requires of us (Mic. 6:8). Have you studied the life of Jesus? Injustice was never His cachet.
Pain and suffering are not things that God naturally wills for His people (See Lam. 3:33). It was a result of the fall. But through it, He does often bring good (Rom. 8:28, 1 Pet. 5:10). It is intended to shape us, not destroy us. God does not authenticate domestic violence. He never has. He never will. Even the very word goes against what He stands for. So why do people still engage in domestic violence?
Causes of Domestic Violence
1. The Obsession With Power and Control
At the heart of every abuser is the feeling that if I can make them fear by showing myself powerful, then I can control them. But deep down, I feel that it’s they who have the problem of fear. They fear losing control and think that by dominating, they can keep others under their beck and call. It may actually be a low self-esteem problem.
That’s why they may easily get jealous or suspicious. What they fail to realize is that people naturally obey and submit to those they love and respect, not those who coerce them. People are won by service not lordship (Mk. 10:42-45). This wrong obsession with power and control is at the core of the causes of Domestic Violence.
2. Learned behaviors and trauma
If you notice closely, cases of domestic violence are ravaging the world, increasing day by day. Why, you may ask? Because a boy grew up watching his abusive father, who also grew up watching his abusive father, and the cycle goes on and on. We may be ignorant of God’s commands, but the enemy is not.
He knows the power of intergenerational transmission. If he carefully orchestrated the intergenerational transmission of sin, he sure can orchestrate that of any evil or curse – as long as you let him.
3. Cultural and gender norms
Society and culture, from time immemorial, have ingrained mindsets of dominance and inferiority among the male and female genders, respectively. Some cultures seem to impress upon children, while still growing up, that females are inferior to males. But that is not what the Bible teaches.
Yes, there is a head, who is the male, but that is by design, because God is a God of order, not chaos (Eph. 5:23; 1 Cor. 14:33). The male’s position as head is for the nourishment, leadership, and guidance of the body (the female), not her exploitation. Again, culture and some form of religion make enduring abuse, even when there is an obvious threat to life, seem noble.
4. Poverty and Economic Stress
When a partner is financially more stable than the other and lacks a genuine reverence for Christ, he or she may dominate the other. It’s very common and easy to make the one who begs you for everything they need your slave. It looks like they cannot survive without you. The sad reality is that this is almost always true.
Many victims of domestic violence cannot survive without their abusers, so they stay, most of the time, and are destroyed. Other times, a state of poverty or unemployment in a home causes friction and conflict. It exacerbates emotions like anger and resentment.
5. Substance Abuse and Personality Disorders
Partners given to substance abuse, like alcohol or drugs, stand a higher risk of displaying traits of domestic violence. This is because in most cases, they are not even in control of their senses. And the more they cause problems, the more they run to substance abuse, eventually causing even bigger problems, and an unending cycle of pain.
Again, people with personality disorders, disabilities, or mental illnesses stand a greater chance of being abusers or, on the other hand, being abused because they feel unwanted by society, and so are confined to the only people who claim to love them.
6. A Lack of a Genuine Reverence For Christ
The truth is, whether we accept it or not, the main reason why some partners can be perpetual perpetrators of domestic violence is that they lack a true relationship with Christ and hence do not have a genuine reverence for Him. Christ tells us that if we love Him, we will obey His commands (Jn. 14:23, 1 Jn. 5:3-4).
Our foremost desire will be to please Him. Even if we fail, we will genuinely repent. To consistently degrade your partner, especially by spiritually distorting the implications of words like “submission” to mean permission for unjust control or manipulating him or her to see abuse as “God-sanctioned,” clearly shows a life not governed by Christ.
To end this, domestic violence is never a God-idea. It’s true that there are seasons of testing in every marital relationship, but as said earlier, patterns of behavior that are consistent with abuse should be dealt with wisdom. There’s a place for prayer, but there’s also a place for action.
I know it is not always easy, especially when there are other parties involved like your kids. But God is faithful, and He can redeem every wreckage. Stay with Him. And be courageous too. You’ve got this, warrior!
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