Help, My Spouse Is Impotent! - Marriage And Counseling

Help, My Spouse Is Impotent! – Marriage And Counseling

Help, My Spouse Is Impotent! – Marriage And Counseling

 

Help, My Spouse Is Impotent! - Marriage And Counseling“Have you not read that God hates divorce?”, is the question I usually hear Christians ask those who are having marital problems and want to opt-out.

A friend once told me that there are different categories of marital problems, the solvable and the unsolvable and I honestly agree. After all, we are entitled to our opinions.

But the issue of finding out after marriage, that your spouse is impotent is disturbing. By impotence, I simply mean he cannot get it up, and if you still don’t understand, it means that he can’t have or sustain an erection. Oopsie! Well, that is a real issue.

In the course of my coaching career, I’ve encountered only two of such issues and it was devastating because both couples were Christians and believed strongly against divorce. But then had in their own way tried to get medical help and prayers for years to no avail.

Help, My Spouse Is Impotent! - Marriage And CounselingTwo things stood out for me in those moments of truth. The first thing was the hypocrisy of the men who knew they had a problem but shielded it from their women till after the wedding ceremony.

This marriage, as far as I’m concerned, had a faulty foundation because it was based on deceit.

*Would you even call that a marriage?

 You may also like to read, “Why Do Couples Grow Apart?”

The second thing for me was the willingness of the men to allow their wives to get pregnant by other men to save their faces. I can feel your cringing. That on its own is permission for adultery which is even against God’s commandment (Exodus 20:14 ). After all, no commandment had “Thou shall not divorce”. Correct me if I’m wrong.

So how do you say to a woman who was obviously deceived into a sexless marriage that God hates divorce? Isn’t it unfair how sometimes we pass judgment on issues we have no understanding of?

Help, My Spouse Is Impotent! - Marriage And CounselingThe men knew they had a problem but in order to appease society, they decided to marry and get their wives to have affairs and provide them with other men’s babies. Hmm! What a world!

The women on the other hand after trying all in their power, seeking prayers to solve the issue stood on their ground that they wouldn’t sin against God by meeting other men to father their babies. And that was the straw that broke all the camels’ backs in the village.

It then became a case of, it’s either we die or we divorce. The men weren’t ready to let go, didn’t want the situation to become public knowledge, narrated how they struggled to find women willing to stay after knowing their condition. Until they found these born again sisters who insisted on no sex before marriage and that gave them the perfect alibi.

One would then ask, how risky is no sex before marriage? But that’s a story for another day!

Help, My Spouse Is Impotent! - Marriage And CounselingIn these cases, however, there are two things involved. It’s either the women agree to live in a sexless marriage and the men dash their hopes of fathering other people’s children as their own or the couples go their separate ways. After all, it’s sex that binds a marriage and without sex, marriage isn’t really a full-blown marriage yet.

So I came to the conclusion that for such a marriage to continue both parties would have to make new ground rules and if that won’t work, get a divorce.

But what about exercising faith that a miracle could happen, remember that this has gone on for many years and it’s only natural that the couples may want to start thinking of realistic alternatives I would call it.

Whatever decisions taken would be born by the couples involved who wear the shoes and know exactly how it pinches. With that said, it’s important that we take time to understand issues before jumping into Scripture-quoting conclusions.

What’s your take?

 

 

Authored by BeeCee Ugboh for Smartcouples.net. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.

 

 

 

About the author

Beecee Ugboh is a relationship expert, a life coach and educationist. She's a Co-host of "Your View" morning show at TVC Communications.
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Verra

Yes Ivy, you have a point there. Appreciate the comment.

Ivy

This is a deep issue as many will opt for a divorce. Thanks for shedding light on this!

Verra

Thanks for the comment, Shanta. 

Shanta Rahman

Thank you Beecee for such an a thought provoking piece. Well, I can’t imagine that happening in a marriage, sex less marriage is a no way for me but couples can discuss it before marriage and if it is possible for them okay. But for me, I can’t go into such because I want a family of my own, if he can’t give me one, I am out of it. That is my take. Others have their own views and some can stay that way without hard feelings. It all depends on what they want as a union. I know it is painful but… For me, I can’t do that at all. Honestly, he should start telling the truth and secondly, it’s better he stays so and face his fate. He shouldn’t be ashamed and cause others to suffer as a result. It’s better he stays that way, why take a wife if he still can’t be a father?! That’s my take, and thanks for making me think. 

Verra

Thanks, Nim for sharing your thoughts on this. We do appreciate.

Nimrodngy

Hello Beecee, thanks for this well thought out article. Although my marriage haven’t encountered such, some unions can still survive without sex. Yes, it’s not the best solution but better than having misunderstandings and fights or adultery in the marriage. Well as you said, they should talk it out between themselves and if it works for them, fine. But again, a marriage when done in love and not by any other ulterior motive, can survive without sex. sex is just an aspect of the union. Marriage isn’t all about sex, you know. But then, a good article, well-written thanks.

Verra

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Beecee’s article. We appreciate the time. 

Tanu Alexander

Hi Beecee,

I never have a marriage before. But situation like that is really painful and could destroy marriage if there’s no understanding. I have seen couples, though, live without sex at all. But I think it was a talk over decision ruled by love. For me, love can do anything to stay in marriage, whether sex or not. 

But come to think of it, I wonder what if one of the partners has asexual mental illness. While other couples must fulfill their sexual needs, love is what they should have to maintain their marriage. The marriage could still dissolve with all its sex but no love. But with love, even without sex, the marriage has chances of survival. Thanks for the article, Beecee. 

 

Verra

Hello Rhain, of course, it’s of a sensitive nature, you know, and should approached as such. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on Beecee’s article. 

Rhain

Hello Beecee,

This is a very sensitive matter and I think it should be approached as such. It is by all means wrong for a man to lure a woman into marriage knowing that he is unable to function properly. But I’m glad you brought in the argument of “no sex before marriage” and the error in such shortsightedness. I think most of these people have double standards. Perhaps, divorce is the best solution for both parties. Thanks 

Verra

Thanks Nuttanee, for your take on Beecee’s article. We do appreciate the time. Have a great day. 

Nuttanee

Life is full of surprises, that is what I usually say. I am married for 6 years and I am still learning something new about my spouse. And I thought that I was being careful too, lol. 

However, I cannot talk for everyone but for myself sex is very important. So, I do not believe the no sex before marriage. Even now I do come across some problem when he is too tired or drinking too much.. if you know what I mean.

It is also about the level of acceptance as well. Hey, I see some people ok with the open marriage because of this. Now, you have to think for your self which is better, having sex with another person while in the marriage or no sex and get the divorce. 

There is no right or wrong to this answer. It is all about you and your spouse to make it work. Do not let the social context condemn you on what you should do and just shut the naysayer out. It is your marriage not theirs after all. 

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