“He’ll change with time.” As Sara thought about these words, she could feel a lump growing in her chest. It had been eighteen years already, yet it felt like yesterday. A couple of years down the line, she had rebelled against her mom. She had sworn that Sam had a good heart. She was confident that he would change – at least, marriage would change him. Sadly, the first few days with Sam showed her an ugly monster. She was patient with him. She waited and waited and waited. But he never changed. She prayed, but Sam was like a thorn in her flesh. As she lay in her bed that night, the thoughts replayed like a resounding cymbal in her mind. It hurt. But then, there was no way out now. Or was there?
Okay. I do not know if this story was relatable to you or not. Maybe it sparked a lesson. As sad to say as it sounds, Sara’s story is the reality for some people. Many people have fallen, unfortunately, into this trap, maybe due to ignorance, rebellion, or sheer deception. While marrying an unbeliever may be up for debate, kindly read through this before you make your decision. Marriage as it is is a model of our union with Christ (Eph. 5:22-33). It is God’s way of showing us His love story with humanity. From time immemorial, God’s command has been clear concerning marriage. You do not need to tell God. He is well aware of what a “foreign” or an unbelieving partner can do to you. It’s no wonder He warns against it (Deut. 7:3-4, 1 Cor. 7:39).
Maybe Solomon’s story will illustrate it better. The wisest man who has ever lived had a thing for foreign women. For clarity, God is not saying that we are not to marry people of different races. Remember Ruth and Boaz (Ruth 4:10)? Rather, the focus is on people with different faiths. Why? Because the devil ain’t kidding. He can lure you. Before you think you stand, remember old, wise King Solomon (1 Kgs. 11:1-4, Neh. 13:26). So then, if you are a child of God who desires to honor God with your life, marrying a genuine believer should be one of the topmost things on your priority list. Why should it be, you may wonder? Why should you not marry an unbeliever as a child of God? Here’s why You Should Not Marry an Unbelieving Partner
1. You Will Not be Spiritually Compatible (2 Cor. 6:14-15)
When God speaks about being unequally yoked, an illustration that could pop into your mind could be this: Imagine two oxen supposed to plow a field. They are bound by a single yoke and expected to carry out their function. Of course, this is easier when they are of the same height and stature and are headed in the same direction. There’s a way it creates the needed balance. But imagine that these are unequal and headed in diverse directions. The farmer will have nothing to show for the work He expects. If anything, there would be more damage. It’s the same thing. God ordained marriage because, beyond pleasure, companionship, and procreation, He has work for you both to do. You are fulfilling an eternal purpose.
When God speaks about being unequally yoked and sharing how light has no fellowship with darkness, He does not say this to imply that we should not show love to others. Far from that. But a relationship as binding as marriage requires unity of heart and purpose. You become one, remember (Gen. 2:24)? You can’t be all out for God, while your partner is all out for something else. It just won’t work. And His work will suffer because of that. So who cares, you might think? Oh, I think you should. Because your fulfillment and satisfaction here on Earth and in eternity are hinged on your obedience. If there is to be meaningful progress, you have to agree (Amos 3:3). You don’t want a scenario where you have to live with someone who only tolerates your faith rather than fan it into flame. Do you?
2. There is no Guarantee That He or She Will Change
It’s easy to see someone you love who is an unbeliever, who looks and behaves so good – even better than the “Christians” around you. With this thought in your mind, you may think that when you are married and it is binding on your partner, he or she will convert to please you. While it is true that sometimes, this does happen, I would like you to ask yourself: what if it does not? What if he or she never converts? How would you cope? A mistake you and I often make is that we feel we can change people. Unfortunately or fortunately, that role is reserved for the Holy Spirit (2 Cor. 3:18). So if God is not in that equation, then I am sorry, please do not do it. If you do, you have yourself to blame.
3. You Will Have Conflicting Life Purposes
If you decide to get committed to an unbeliever, then you risk the joy and satisfaction of heading together in the same direction. As a child of God, your ultimate desire will be to please God. An unbelieving spouse’s ultimate desire may as well be to please himself/herself and others, and if he or she is so kind, he or she can think of pleasing you. So, you can have a life mapped out with God factored in it, while your spouse has other dreams and plans of his or her own. And you know something? Marriage requires agreement. You will be drained and frustrated to your marrow when all you desire to achieve is the opposite of what your spouse wants. Of course, this is not to say that if he or she is a Christian, then you both will have exactly the same dreams, but at least you would be headed to the same destination, strengthening each other as you go by. However, an unbelieving partner doesn’t just cut it. I mean it.
4. You Will Lack Spiritual Leadership and Growth in the Marriage
I know of someone so dear to me who is on fire for God, but whose partner mocks her for it. Can you imagine that? Imagine your spouse does not see the need for prayer, can do without the Word, has no spiritual authority to submit to, and does not even believe in the power of fellowship with the brethren; how do you expect your marriage to grow? If you cannot pray with your spouse, share thoughts from God’s Word, or share plans and dreams that God has placed in your heart, then will you be happy as a child of God?
First of all, your fire will be dampened if you are not careful, one drop of water at a time. If you do not hold still, you may be led into apostasy – though that is not my prayer for you. The ultimate goal of a marriage is to give God glory (1 Cor. 10:31). He ordained it. But if you marry someone who does not see any value in your faith, you will be slowly laid back soon enough. Or you may never have the joy and satisfaction of knowing that you are worshipping God with the one you love – you know, that three-corded rope kind of marriage (Eccl. 4:12).
5. You May Experience Difficulty in Raising Godly Children (Deut. 7:3-4, Neh. 13:24-28)
We cannot skip or overemphasize this one. Unity in marriage is so crucial, not only for your sake as partners but even for the children you are to bear. Imagine two people trying to control a remote for a television. Will they succeed? No. One person will have to wait his or her turn. It’s the same thing. When a father says, “We are going to church today.” The mother says, “I’ll just head to the spa.” Three consecutive Sundays usher in the same response. What do you expect your young fellas to do in the long run? Before you know it, they will soon want to join Mama in the spa.
One may need a makeover or something. Another may need to watch baseball, and before you know it, you raise a generation who do not know God. God was so emphatic about this. Consider these: Gen. 18:19 – For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him.”Deut. 4:9 – Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Are you still contemplating whether you should go ahead or not?
6. You Will Have an Increased Temptation to Compromise Your Faith
Standing for the faith is hard enough already, even for two strong on-fire spouses for God. What do you expect of a single spouse trying to hold on to the faith? Not just that, but who has a constant reminder to give up on it. Imagine waking up to thoughts like: “You’re such a fool. Still doing the ‘Jesus’ thing?” “When will you be wise enough already?” Or imagine having a situation at the office that will require you to obey God and stand for the Truth. In times such as this, when all you need is encouragement, how would you feel when the only thing you hear from your spouse are words that make you doubt the realness and sovereignty of God? Not before long, you’ll be lost and too far gone.
There’s also this increasing tendency to compromise when you are surrounded by negative influences from your partner, such as his or her friends, hobbies, drugs, or/and alcohol (1 Cor. 15:33). You begin second-guessing your faith. If you are not strong enough, you will fall (1 Cor. 10:12). Again, because you might be dreadfully alone and discouraged, probably suffering due to a spouse who does not give a damn about his or her bad habits, you may find yourself in the arms of the “comforter” who may just lead you into further doom.
7. You Will Constantly Disagree on Ethical and Moral Issues
Have you ever been in a home where the husband and wife could not just agree on a single thing? That’s what you’re setting yourself up for when you decide to commit to a spouse who does not know God. Because of this, your house will surely be on fire – not for God, but for conflict. And this will affect everyone, including your kids. As a child of God, the Word of God is your final authority. For an unbelieving spouse, he or she may as well have his or her ‘truth’. And don’t forget, you’ll be married by then. You can’t impose what you think. No one needs to please you to win you over. You just don’t want that, right?
8. Your Ministry and Service to God Will be Hindered Due to Differing Priorities
Your priorities matter. What you choose to give your time and energy to matters. Where you invest your finances matters. Now, you don’t want a spouse who sees the time, energy, and resources you spend in God’s House and for His work as a stupid investment, do you? You want someone who can agree with you and even support you when you are failing, right? So don’t ditch it because you are “in love.” You matter to God. And I am sure He matters to you as His child. If you really desire to honor Him in a union like marriage, then you should be intentional. Your stumbling block to serving Him should definitely not be your own spouse!
9. You Will Inflict Pain on Your Family Members (Gen. 26:34-35)
You know, if you could just house the pain and sorrow and keep it all to yourself, maybe, just maybe it would be better. But just like a disease, it has a way of spreading onto those around you, especially your family members like your mother, father, sisters, in-laws, you name them. Imagine being the center of discussion in your home, all because your spouse cannot respect himself or herself, you, or them. Imagine the pain your parents will feel seeing what you have to go through with someone who does not value you. Just take a moment and imagine that.
10. You Will Have No Higher Authority to Submit to
If your partner does not see God or His Word as worthy of his or her submission, who else would be worthy enough? When you have major conflicts that need a mediator, but your partner is so bull-headed and unwilling to listen to anyone, what will you do? You need someone you can talk sensibly with and someone who is teachable enough that someone higher can talk sense into. That’s how you can grow. Unfortunately, this may not be the case when your partner is unbelieving.
11. Your Disobedience to God’s Command Will Bring Eternal Consequences
While it’s true that some unbelievers can repent or are good morally, they are rare, less than 1%. And you can’t bank on something so rare. It’s unwise, save you are very sure that God has asked you to (say like in Hosea’s case (Hos. 1:2)). But if not, then please don’t. What would you do if you committed to only find out that your partner is an alcoholic, drug addict, or/abuser? You know that as a child of God, you will want to honor God with that marriage. But I am telling you for free that it will be point-blank difficult. Again, you may never enjoy God’s blessings together in that marriage, save for His mercy (Josh. 23:11-13). The devil will always find a way to poke his head in every issue – no matter how minor – just so he can get to you and make your life more miserable (1 Pet. 5:8, Jn. 10:10a). You will end up living a life of “what-ifs” and “had-beens.” Is that what you want? I bet it’s not.
Do you also know that because of this, you both stand the risk of losing your eternal destiny? Yes, God may be merciful to you, and it’s my prayer that the unbelieving partner becomes saved. But what if it does not happen? Or what if you get pulled back into his or her ways instead of the other way around? These are things you need to be mindful of before delving into major decisions like marriage with an unbelieving partner. Do you get that? To conclude, maybe you are like Sara, and you are already neck-deep into this mess. Is there still hope? But of course, there is. See 1 Corinthians 7:12-14. God can and is more than able to save (Joel 2:32).
Keep on keeping on. And to the young lady or guy in waiting who is at a crossroads, I pray this piece was helpful. Still, go to God in prayer and seek His face. Let Him tell you what to do. And if He says, “Leave,” then do it gladly. He sees your ending from your beginning, and yeah, He has good plans for you (Isa. 46:10, Jer. 29:11). Never doubt that. He will bring the right one to you in His time (Isa. 60:22, Eccl. 3:11a). Keep holding on to the faith. God has got you covered. Adios!
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