The human heart is a treasure trove of emotions, both light and dark, with the capacity to soar like a bird in the sky or plunge into the depths of despair. And just like a mighty ocean, the heart can be stirred by a tempest of anger and resentment, leaving a wake of destruction on its path. This emotional storm is called “unforgiveness”, and its destructive force can wreak havoc on both the individual and their relationships.
Unforgiveness is the unwillingness to pardon or waive any negative feeling/desire for punishment. It is the act of holding grudges or past hurts without any desire to reconcile. While unforgiveness has several negative and devastating effects, forgiveness brings with it healing to both the forgiver and the forgiven. This is why it is important for us, as believers, to inculcate the lifestyle of forgiveness. After all, we are all products of a new life borne out of the spirit of forgiveness (John 3:16; 1 John 1:9).
The dangers of unforgiveness are real and far-reaching such that beyond our mental and emotional health, it also affects our physical and spiritual well-being (James 2:13). When we choose not to forgive, we open ourselves up to a host of negative consequences that can impact every area of our lives. In this paper, therefore, our focus will be primarily on the dangers of unforgiveness. May we find the courage to release the burden of unforgiveness in our hearts even as we journey together. Amen!
1. UNFORGIVENESS DEPRIVES US OF GOD’S FORGIVENESS:
When I was much younger, I made it a point of duty to remind my angry friends that “blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy” (Matthew 5:7). This reminder was my go-to any time I had a need to reconcile them after many of their numerous fights. My little mind would reason that if they cannot forgive others when they are wronged, then they shouldn’t expect others to forgive them too. However, I have come to understand that unforgiveness is a much more grievous sin because it cuts us off from God’s forgiveness as well (Matthew 6:14-15). What do you think Jesus emphasized when he taught a parable of the “unmerciful servant” in Matthew 18:34? You see, when we refuse to forgive, we hinder our walk with God and that includes not receiving His forgiveness. That’s dangerous! Unforgiveness blocks our access to divine forgiveness because we are neglecting the fact that God Himself has forgiven us much – on the cross.
2. UNFORGIVENESS HINDERS AND DELAYS ANSWERS TO PRAYERS:
One thing the Holy Spirit does in the place of prayer is to rebuke and reproof. Have you ever been so engrossed in the place of prayer only to be nudged into silence by the Holy Spirit, whispering, “go and make peace with your boss, Jack”? Why were you shut up? Aren’t we supposed to cast our cares unto the One who cares for us? Well, God is not only interested in giving us things; He cares about the state of our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). We are often so concerned with God granting our requests that we ignore the state of our hearts, yet we keep wondering why has God not heard our prayers. We must always remember that the LORD is not dull in hearing, but sin (in our hearts) has created the gulf between us and our God (Isaiah 59:1-2). Jesus even tells us in Mark 11:25a, “and WHEN YOU STAND PRAYING, if you hold anything against anyone, FORGIVE THEM… .” Need I say more?
3. UNFORGIVENESS CAUSES BITTERNESS AND IRRATIONAL ANGER, LEADING TO BAD CHOICES IN LIFE:
When unforgiveness takes hold of one’s heart, it can cloud the mind with dark thoughts and poison the soul with bitterness. Such thoughts bloom into many irrational actions that are not beneficial in the long run. Any time I read about Absalom, I can’t help but wonder how someone could hold unto unforgiveness, such that even after two years, he could still make rash decisions without batting an eyelid (2 Samuel 13:22-33). But then I remember what the scripture says about “not allowing the root of bitterness to spring up and CAUSE TROUBLE, and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15). Just take a moment and ponder: Amnon (Absalom’s half-brother) raped his sister, Tamar. Absalom got angry and refused to forgive his brother. Then two years later, murder! What happened? Unforgiveness graduated into anger and bitterness, and the rest – they say – is history!
4. UNFORGIVENESS TIES US TO OUR PAST:
Unforgiveness is a heavy burden that we are never meant to carry. It weighs us down, preventing us from moving forward and experiencing the freedom and joy that comes with forgiveness. If only Absalom had decided to forgive his brother and moved on with life, he would have had better things to do than to allow two years go down the drain just cooking up a perfect plan to murder his brother. But that’s typical of what unforgiveness does to us: it keeps us stuck in a cycle of pain and hurt, unable to move forward and experience the new things God has for us (Isaiah 43:18-19). Unforgiveness makes us cling to the past like emotional garbage which is useless, but we refuse to let go of it anyway. Even our Almighty God doesn’t cling to our past (Isaiah 43:25; Jeremiah 31:34; Hebrews 8:12). Why should we?
5. UNFORGIVENESS LIMITS OUR WORLD, MAKING US “PRISONERS”:
There’s a common characteristic I have come to notice among those who live in perpetual unforgiveness – perpetual misery! I have never met a happy person whose preoccupation in life is to carry grudges and past hurts around. At most, their happiness is short-lived because they are trapped in a prison of their minds and “victimized”. They are not “free” to love and be joyful. They are not “free” to pursue their careers and become better persons because “this person did this and that”. They hardly smile. But hey, let’s come off it! Have we forgotten that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free, so we must not get ourselves entangled again” (Galatians 5:1, paraphrased)? Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door to this freedom, freeing us from the chains of bitterness and anger, and allowing us to experience the fullness of God’s love and grace. Be forgiving; be free!
6. UNFORGIVENESS IS DECEPTIVE AND LIMITS OUR ABILITY TO LEARN FROM LIFE:
Have you ever tried to talk someone into reconciling with another person? You’ll get replies like, “but he started it”, “you are saying this because you were not the one hurt”. Bla bla bla! There is one right word for this self-defense mechanism: self-justification! Unforgiveness has a way of making us believe that others are always at fault. It deceives us into thinking that we are justified in holding on to our grievances, limiting our ability to learn and grow from experiences that life presents us with. It prevents us from taking responsibility for our own actions, blinding us to our own faults and shortcomings (Matthew 7:3-5). This blocks our access to heaven (James 2:13) since we have refused to learn and develop the right character befitting the children of God (Matthew 5:9). I wish we could understand how dangerous that is.
7. UNFORGIVENESS DRIES UP THE ANOINTING OF GOD IN OUR LIVES:
The psalmist said in Psalm 66:18, and I quote: “If I regard iniquity in my heart, the LORD will not hear me”. Unforgiveness is an issue of the heart and, just like many other similar issues of the heart, it defiles the man (Mark 7:20-23), quenching the anointing of God in such a person’s life. The source of the anointing is the Holy Spirit but we must not forget that He can be grieved and quenched by our actions, including anger, resentment, and unforgiveness (Ephesians 4:30; 1 Thessalonians 5:19). This stifles the anointing of God in our lives. Another way unforgiveness dries up anointing is that it disrupts unity and harmony in the church of God. The anointing will hardly flow in a church where the brethren do not dwell together in unity (Psalm 133:1-3).
8. UNFORGIVENESS LEADS TO PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ILLNESS AND EVEN DEATH:
One of the most significant dangers of unforgiveness is its impact on our mental and physical health. Chronic unforgiveness can lead to “self-induced” stress, anxiety, and depression, which ultimately affects our health and accelerates the aging process. High blood pressure and many other serious illnesses have been discovered among those who cling to grudges and refuse to forgive. One thing unforgiveness robs us of is joy and peace of mind, which is essential to good health (Proverbs 17:22). My Mom would often say, “no matter the ‘mountain’ of food you eat, without being happy and at peace, you will still look like a beggar begging for food”. Chronic unforgiveness is not good for our health because it can lead to a complete breakdown of our immune system and, sorry, death (Psalm 37:8-9)!
Having reflected on the dangers and consequences of unforgiveness, let’s remember the words of Jesus, who taught us to “love y[our] enemies and pray for those who persecute you[us]” (Matthew 5:44, paraphrased). Forgiveness is the ultimate act of love which happens to be the greatest commandment. Let’s not allow unforgiveness to hinder our relationships, our health, and our walk with the LORD; but instead, let’s choose love, mercy, and forgiveness, knowing that it is the gateway to experiencing the great future God has for us to the fullest.
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