13 IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU SAY, “I DO”
There is one thing that mystifies me about marriage. And no, it’s not the so many crazy stories I hear about it. What remains a mystery to me about the love circle is that two different people (with differing thoughts, beliefs, and ways of life – who may have probably never known a thing about each other before their meeting), unite and become one. I tell you the truth, this mystifies me. But the good thing is, God has ordained this beautiful mystery (Gen. 2:24).
To be candid, I, just like you have had my fair share of woos. But amidst the drama, chills, crazy feelings, and all, I constantly remind myself that if there is to be a life-long commitment – a union, between someone and me, then some things have to be set in place. By some things, I mean that there has to be a certain level of compatibility, understanding, and intimate knowledge between my partner and me, irrespective of our diversities. Of course, it does not mean that we would be of the same opinion on everything, but it does mean that we choose to “agree” on things that matter to us.
The Bible urges us to be of one mind and purpose (1 Cor. 1:10, 2 Cor. 13:11). Now, as an intending couple, you are not out of this picture. If anything, I would say you take center stage, because in marriage, you and your partner become “one.” For you and your partner to truly unite and become a channel of God’s blessing and a model to the world, then both of you must be in agreement. That’s the only way you can make tremendous progress (Amos 3:3).
To become of “one mind,” there are things that need to be clarified; questions, both simple and hard, that need to be answered. These answers will give you a picture of what you are to expect in your marriage and will serve as a worthy guide. They will also help you escape many “had I known’s.” It’s never too early to start preparing for your marriage, you know.
Bearing this in mind, I have put together some well-meaning questions that will help you a great deal if they are asked and answered honestly before you commit. Some of them must not really be voiced out per se. You can just observe your partner’s behaviour. Remember that it’s not just about a
wedding. It is a marriage and it lasts for “as long as you both shall live,” so it calls for some purveyance on your part.
With that said, the questions you need to ask your partner or/and yourself before saying “I do,” are:
1. Who do you believe in?
Yes. I believe this is the first and most important thing you need to find out about your partner, especially if you are a devoted child of God. And the sad truth is, this is where many people fall short. Your partner might be morally sound, which is not bad. But there are situations that will surface later on that will demand much more than just morality.
If you care about the eternal future of your spouse, your kids, and even yours, you need to marry someone whose faith aligns with yours. They will be the ones to help you when you grow weary, encourage you, cheer you on as well as offer you constructive rebuke in your walk with God (Eccl. 4:9-12). You just do not want to imagine life with an unbelieving spouse no matter how sweet your partner may seem. Paul says it so well in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.
It does not just end at that though. You and your partner have to reflect on your perspectives as Christians. By perspectives, I mean manners of behaviour you have grown to accept as proper for children of God. For example, your partner may find it unacceptable to dress in a particular way or think of a spiritual thought in a different light, while you don’t find anything wrong with it.
Believe me, this matter gets less funny especially when you both begin inculcating values into your kids. In the Bible, the early church witnessed something of this sort. Some Jewish people had their way of thinking a proper Christian should behave and the Gentile converts had their idea too. But they had to come to a consensus to avoid friction (Acts 15:1-31). I believe it is way better to talk about it, rather than ignore it and live forever with a frown. When you’re confident about your partner’s faith, you can proceed to ask these:
What church will we attend and how often will we go?
How often would we give in church?
How active would we be in service?
How important is devotion and how do we plan to handle it as a family?
Will we pray together as a couple? If yes, how often?
Are we both venturing into any kind of ministry together or eventually, if the Lord calls us?
Will God’s call over any of our lives be a thing of concern?
If you still find these not so important, think of Jesus’ birth. Imagine that Mary’s beloved fiance, Joseph was a Philistine. After God must have told her of His plans for her, and Joseph found out, he would have dumped her immediately. Who knows if the angel would have ever ministered to him if he was such? So you see how important this is. Know what your partner truly believes in and please, be assured he (she) is not playing you. God will help and lead you, as well as reveal his (her) heart to you (Acts 1:24).
2. Who are your family?
Apart from your partner’s faith, knowing about his (her) family is key. After Rebecca had furnished Abraham’s servant and his animals with water, the first thing he asked for was to be taken to her family (Gen. 24:23-24). Your family is your first home. It is the training ground that has largely influenced both you and your partner’s ideologies, thoughts, and even appreciation for love. If your partner considers his (her) family as something he (she) can do without – another insignificant iota in his (her) life, you need to pause and rethink. Also, your partner’s background and past have in no small way shaped him (her) into who he (she) is. So, it’s important to at least have a glimpse of this. Helpful questions worth asking are:
What was your childhood like?
Do you have a close bond with your dad, mom, siblings?
How well do you cherish your relatives?
Do you visit home often?
Do you feel comfortable around my parents, siblings, relatives? Can you live with your in-laws?
If we eventually tie the knot, will you find it okay to accommodate a family member of mine in our home if the need arises?
How often will we visit our biological families when we get married? Are there festivals or seasons that we will spend as reunions with family?
3. What do you think about kids?
It is every couple’s desire to have kids. However, in this age of so much frenzy that we’re in, some people funnily do not share these dreams of having kids. Even if they do, they do not want them so early enough. I know God loves kids (Matt. 19:14). In fact, He calls each one of us His kids (Jn. 1:12, 1 Jn. 3:1) and desires us to be fruitful and increase in number (Gen. 1:28, 9:7, 35:11). But, if your partner has a different mindset for whatever reason, discussing this thought with him (her) is key. If you have both come to an agreement to have kids, you can then ask these:
How many kids would you like us to have?
What if I am not able to conceive early enough?
Are you open to ideas like adoption, modern fertility options, and birth control?
How do we plan to raise our kids?
What is your idea of discipline?
How do we intend to plan for our kids’ future?
What type of school will they attend?
Are you open to nannies helping out with the kids while we are at work?
4. What is your health status like?
If you’re to spend forever with someone, then you have to be in for all it takes. Sharing vital information about your health may pose a threat to your relationship, but please do not withhold such from your partner. It may be fatal at that moment, but then it goes a long way to prove if he (she) truly loves you in the first place. In another case, severing your relationship with your partner might just be the best option for the sake of your kids – that is, except God says otherwise. Yes, God does and can perform miracles. But He teaches us honesty and endows us with wisdom for a reason (Jas. 1:5, Luke 2:40). In a really honest conversation, ask these:
What is your genotype?
Have you or are you suffering from a life-threatening disease? Is there any record of a genetic illness in your family that I should be aware of?
5. How are your finances?
Whether you admit it or not, finances play a major role in influencing how your family will eventually run and function. Yes, you must not literally ask your partner this, but do not think that it is not a worthy thing to know, so as not to appear “money-hungry.” The goal is not really to find out if your partner is some pirate with sunken treasure. The idea is to be confident that he (she) will be able to meet your needs or has a willing attitude and is actively working to do so. We trust in God’s provision alright, but God does not like idle, irresponsible folk (2 Thess. 3:6-11). With that said, find out:
Your partner’s main source of income; how he (she) manages it; if they buy into the idea of operating a joint account; if they have any outstanding debt; their spending and saving habits; who will manage the finances when you both get married; his (her) financial goals and what happens in a case of one of you losing your jobs.
It will cost you far less trouble in times to come.
6. What are your goals, dreams, purpose and ambition?
It’s so important to commit to someone whose goals, dreams, purpose, and passions align with yours. Again, I’m saying this not to mean that the both of you must have the same purpose and passions, but that you are both headed in the same direction despite your differences. As a great partner, your utmost desire should be to help your partner in the journey of him (her) becoming all that God desires him (her) to be. This may mean that there are things like your money, time, pleasure, and even moments together that you may need to forgo at some stages of your life to realize your partner’s dream and yours. As a man, you should also be aware that your wife may want a career. She may want to pursue purpose. So you have got to come to an agreement about this. Also, ask about these:
What are your career plans for the future?
How far are you willing to forge ahead in the pursuit of your dreams, goals, purpose, and career?
What do you think about a boss lady?
Can you leave work for family if the need arises?
7. What are your expectations for this marriage?
Believe me, for this one, you will find it helpful to just for a moment, dwell in the mind of your partner so you can have an idea of who they expect you to be and what they expect you to do. But that’s practically impossible. So find a way – by asking. Your partner’s mind must have been filled with lots of ideas about what marriage is to be and what it’s not; about who an ideal spouse is; about each of the roles you’ll play and all whatnot. God is not against us having expectations (Ps. 9:18 AMP), but it will be helpful to review these to ensure you’re not just building castles in the air. Ponder on these together:
What is your idea of a great marriage?
What is your idea of a great wife (husband)?
What roles do you feel are ideal for me as your spouse?
Do you have any weaknesses or strengths that can weaken or strengthen this marriage?
8. What’s your love language?
You fell in “love” right? So it’s a fun thing to learn how to stay in that love. God does love us unconditionally but we piss Him off when we disobey. So, we can say He speaks the “obedience” love language (1 Jn. 5:3). Now, you may indeed love your partner but just like words spoken but not understood, you can try to communicate love to your partner, but if you speak a love language your partner does not understand, then it may not be appreciated despite your good intentions. If you will live with someone for life, you will need to keep the flame of passion burning. Speaking your partner’s love language amongst other things does just that. Here are questions you will find helpful:
What made you fall in love with me?
What is the best way you show and appreciate love?
Will we have regular date nights?
Do you cherish wedding anniversaries?
How do we cope with raising kids and still keeping our passion aflame?
What’s your idea about sex and romance?
How will you communicate if you’re not feeling satisfied sexually?
What sort of romance do you feel is out of boundaries for you?
How do we reignite love when we’re losing it?
9. Where will we live?
Just like a tree can naturally grow and function just about anywhere (if there are favourable conditions), but will grow optimally and to its peak at a particular place; on a particular type of soil, the place you decide as a dwelling for you and your spouse determines a lot. It largely influences the church you would attend, probably your place of work, the school your kids go to, and others. Staying where God wants you to be will largely influence how well you flourish. God had a good plan for where Abraham would dwell. But if he and Sarah were of a different mind, who knows if God’s plans for them would have ever been actualized? (Gen. 12:1-5) You will find it helpful to ask:
What country, state, or street will we like to make history in? Will we live with an extended family or alone?
Considering our jobs (now or in the future), would we have to relocate or perhaps stay at different locations?
How do we intend to keep the family bond waxing strong in spite of the barrier?
Also ask:
What properties are we likely to have considering our income levels? What do you consider a luxury or a necessity concerning properties we will obtain?
Are you open to having help in the home who are of the opposite sex?
10. How will we manage conflict?
No matter how perfect you try to be, disagreements will always arise in a marriage. You two are not the same, so there will definitely be things you would find irksome about each other. What makes you both mature, however, is how you deal with it. Because God knows that as humans, we would surely find fault with one another, He has given and still gives us a lot of instructions
that will prove helpful to us (Eph. 4:2, Col. 3:13). Learn from them. But then, do well to ask yourselves these:
How are we currently managing conflict in our relationship? What’s the worst thing you (I) can do when you (I) get angry? How easy do you (I) find it to forgive?
Who can we look up to for counsel when things go awry?
11. What is your take on making decisions that impact the family?
By virtue of your union, you are now united. You have become one. And true marriage is not a dictatorial kind of thing. Marriage is about bringing opinions from two different people to the table in a bid to come to a singular, unifying opinion. If the husband feels he is the head and he makes the decision alone or the wife feels like a boss who earns more than her husband, so calls the shots, then that home is headed for doom in the long run because that is not how God has destined it to be. So, ask yourselves:
Are you open to contributions by your partner or kids?
How often do you intend to sit at a round table to discuss issues in your home?
Do you have a listening ear and a compassionate heart, yet a strong will when the right thing needs to be done?
Who has the final say in your home?
12. How do we keep communication open and honest?
As partners in a relationship, you must have talked your lives out. But as you progress in your marital relationship, your communication might dwindle. To keep your passion aflame, both of you must be involved in open and honest conversational dialogues where there is an active listener and both of you contribute meaningfully with no one overriding the other. Love thrives on communication. Our relationship with God affirms that. So, you will find it vital to ask:
Are you (Am I) someone who likes to keep things to yourself (myself) or share them? In what ways is our relationship currently facing a breach of communication?
How can we improve it even before we commit to a marriage? How can we be fully involved in each other’s lives, yet maintain some privacy? Are you (Am I) an active listener?
In the case of a change in jobs that may require a long-distance relationship, how do we keep our communication active?
13. What do you think about a life-long commitment?
Marriage is a life-long commitment. Even though you trust God to sustain your marriage, it is important you find out your partner’s view concerning a life-long commitment. Ask yourselves if:
You are truly ready for the marriage;
You are sure of your decision and you’re in for forever.
After confirming your stance, ask your spouse what he (she) thinks of your friends who are of the opposite sex.
Are there boundaries you will be placing in your relationship with them? If yes, what are some of them?
When is too much care towards them becoming extreme?
Which relationships do you have to sever for the sanity of your marriage?
What signs would indicate that something is going wrong in your marriage and how do you both plan to go about it?
Finally, as I mentioned earlier, it is important to ask these questions and get honest answers to them for the success of your marriage. It is not a guarantee that all things will go well in your marriage, but it’s a sure step in the right direction.
I pray God’s best for you in your marriage. In the meantime, keep your conversations open and honest. God bless you.
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