7 REASONS NOT TO GET MARRIED OUT OF DESPERATION

It was two days until D-Day. Maya would be twenty-eight. There were many reasons why she should have been excited. After all, she just got a promotion at work and got a new house of her own. But there she was. Deep-seated in a corner of her room, she sank in thought. She wondered how her birthday party would turn out.

It was not that she lacked the resources to throw a party for all time, but she could not but imagine the numbers of: “Have you finally seen him?” “When will we come to celebrate with you for your wedding?” “Don’t you want to give your mother grandkids?” and on and on that she would be confronted with by her concerned family.

As she remembered her aunt, Tessy, her anxiety grew worse. She should have found solace in her girlfriends, but now, could she really refer to them as those? Rose, the last on the marriage list had just called to say excitedly that she had a ring on her finger earlier that morning. This compounded her anxiety. Not knowing what to do next, she made her case before God.

Okay. Story time’s over. But let me ask? Are you in a situation just like Maya? Do not worry, this piece is especially for you. May you find the hope you strongly seek even as you read through this.

It’s no wonder that we all, at a stage in our lives, desire to get married and to raise a home. At this side of the globe I’m in, marriage is indeed a “thing.” It’s accompanied by so much. Girls are literally trained from when they are born to be suitable for their husbands when married.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing amiss in praying and preparing your young daughter for her future. What I find appalling, however, is that there would come a certain time and age when if you have not committed, you become a “sorry” case. Again, there’s nothing wrong with marrying early. It’s a good thing. I will recommend it to anyone.

But when the emphasis from family, people, and culture is geared towards mounting pressure on a female so she can just settle down without taking into due consideration or guiding her to align with God’s will for her life, I feel that there is a major problem. Our Father in Heaven has a set time for all of His purposes (Eccl. 3:1). What makes sense is to decipher His plan and walk by it, not hasten the process because we do not want to offend society.

Again, I am not saying that desiring to marry is a wrong thing. But it should be in God’s timing, not something that you rush into as a result of pressure.

Why do I emphasize this? I do so because desperation brings with it so many problems. Some of which will be discussed in this piece. I pray that as you read, you are enlightened to wait on God, maximize your singleness, be happy for others, and be bold enough to step out at just the right time. Stay with me.

Before we continue, let us briefly consider what it means to be desperate for marriage.

To be desperate means to be in a state where you have given up hope or expectation. It is when you are in a state of despair or hopelessness. Now, let us apply it to marriage. Being desperate to get married means having an intense, sometimes overwhelming, urgency to enter marriage, often at the expense of wisdom, discernment, or personal well-being. This desperation can stem from various internal or external pressures and may lead to poor relationship choices. Why would someone be desperate to get married? You may ask. Well, there are a couple of reasons. Let me mention a few:

• Cultural or family pressure: This is where your parents and “concerned” relatives around you keep asking about your “man“ or “woman,” and you can’t help but succumb.
• Biological clock concerns: This means you are worried that you are getting older and your chances of bearing children are getting slimmer by the day.
• Loneliness: This is when you are just so tired of being alone and you want company, so you choose to commit without even considering.
• Fear of missing out (FOMO): Here, all of your friends and siblings have left the single-hood and you do not want to be left out, so you commit against your wish.
• Unrealistic romantic ideals: In this case, you do not have the love of Christ deep-seated within you that enables you to love yourself or have a sense of self-worth, so you believe that marriage will make you happy or give you the joy that you seek.

When you notice these triggers, then you should realize that you may be prone to marrying out of desperation. How, then, would you know if you are desperate? Here’s how:

•  You let down your standards and ignore red flags.
• You are more concerned about getting married to please those around you, not because it’s God’s will or timing for you.
• You fear being alone and regard singleness as a curse rather than a phase of growth.
• You are ready to commit without fully understanding and connecting with your partner.
• You find yourself unworthy, so you depend on your partner to validate your worth.

There are many reasons why being desperate to get married is usually unhelpful in the long run. Let us consider a few:

1. Desperation Clouds Your Judgment

Have you ever been so hungry that all you needed was a meal? I think of Esau as I write this. The hairy hunter was so desperate to satisfy his hunger that he sold his birthright (Gen. 25:29-34). He never for once considered the gravity of his choice until later when, even though he sought it with tears, he could not redeem it (Heb. 12:16-17).

It’s the same thing with marriage. When you are so desperate to get married, there’s a way you are blinded to the flaws and red flags displayed by your partner. Of course, no one is perfect, but desperation does not give you the chance to wait to think before you leap. It feels as though there is a force urging you, saying: “Just do it. It will get better eventually.” Sadly, it only gets better in a few rare cases.

God is intentional about telling us to trust His judgment, not ours, especially at key junctions of our lives like marriage (Prov. 3:5-6). But you know what? We can barely wait on or heed God’s advice, or those of His people around us when we are so desperate to get married.

2. You Risk Settling for Less

When you commit out of desperation and not out of the will of God, or from a place of love and genuine connection with your partner, you seriously risk settling for less. Committing out of desperation means that you would ignore the red flags and even compromise your values and standards. You will opt for one who is “available” and not one who is “compatible.” The problem is that the probability of sustaining a great marriage with just any available random person is quite low. He or she may not be the idea God has in mind for you.

Listen. As a child of God, God has the best in mind and in store for you (Jer. 29:11). You may indeed have or have not made some mistakes and yes, time is running out. But hey! I want to encourage you today to wait on God and trust Him (Ps. 27:14). It’s never too late with Him. You can bet on that.

3. Marriage Won’t Fix The Internal Issues You Battle With

As I write this, my mind is drawn to Leah in the Bible. Her story always gets to me. From my perspective, Leah may have had a “thing” feeling unloved or rejected by suitors. In a bid to have her married at all costs, her father planned a marriage for her to Jacob against his wish. While it’s true that God did look upon Leah with favor, her ordeals with Jacob, even in naming her children, clearly show that she may have always been begging for his love and attention (Gen. 29:17;22-35).

If you get married out of the desperation to feel loved and wanted, you may be disappointed to find out that your partner also expects you to fill that void in his or her life. What would you then, especially if it’s not even a godly, Christ-centered home? You stand the risk of enduring the marriage rather than enjoying it.

See, the only person who can fill the God-shaped hole in your heart is God. It makes so much sense since He shaped it, right? (although that is metaphorical). But you have to be serious about your relationship with God. No more time for drifting. Let God help you become so aware of His love graciously poured out within you (Rom. 5:5). Let Him give you a sense of identity and help you be grounded in Him. When this happens, you can be sure that at just the right time, He will make it happen (Is. 60:22).

4. Desperation Undermines Your Self-Worth

This is almost similar to the point above. When your partner notices that you want to commit at all costs, he or she can take undue advantage of you and treat you any way he or she wants. Why? Simply because he or she knows that in the end, you would still come running.

Again, as a partner, being desperate can make you do things you may not have wanted to do. For example, you may have planned to honor God with your body, but because your partner demands it, and you want to please him or her at all costs, you will end up succumbing to his or her wrong desire.

Being desperate does not allow you to be yourself. You would just be a puppet played around by your partner – which is not meant to be so.

5. It Can Lead to Unhealthy Relationships

Marriage is no child’s play. Getting in it ideally means staying till the very end, for better, for worse – until death do you both part. Imagine committing out of desperation only to find a monster in your home. You may be sentenced to a life of emotional, psychological, social, verbal, and even physical abuse. If you are not careful, it may lead to your untimely death, although we do not pray for that.

But then, it is just the sad reality of some people out there, and the worst fact is that they cannot even speak up out of shame. Don’t you think it is better to endure for a while and enjoy tomorrow? Do you prefer escaping the mockery of now only to be confronted with something greater tomorrow? Please, my dear, consider again.

6. Rushed Decisions Often Lead to Regret

Take a look at the current situations you are facing. Are you happy with them? Can you look with confidence at the decisions you made when you were younger and thank the Lord for them? Or do you look with regret and feel like being given a chance to start all over? I can tell you for free that there is such a thing as regret, and it is never a nice guest.

It will plague your mind and even steal your joy and peace. Not before long, the enemy might destroy you (Jn. 10:10). It would be a pity to see what could have been that was thwarted, and all because of a desperate decision. My dear, do not give the devil a reason to one day gloat over you – on earth or in eternity. You can still make the right choice now.

7. God’s Timing Is Always Perfect

Recently, I have found solace in  Isaiah 60:22. It says:

“The least of you will become a thousand, the smallest a mighty nation. I am the LORD; in its time I will do this swiftly” (emphasis added).

Ecclesiastes 3:11a also adds that “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

Do you believe that? Do you believe that you can also smile again? Do you believe that in God’s books for you, He can still blow your mind at just the right time? Kindly read the book of Ruth and see how God brings two people in His special way, at just the right time, to fit a greater plan and purpose. Today, I urge you to stay still (Ex. 14:14) and stand strong (Deut. 31:6). Like I said earlier, it’s never too late for and with God. The same God yesterday is still the same God today (Heb. 13:8). He’s still unraveling your story. It might seem late, but it’s not with Him. Hold still.

Lastly, I am confident that you deserve a loving, Christ-centered marriage because you are God’s child (Jn. 1:12, 10:10b). God intends to model His love to you. Please do not give up hope. Make the best of your time as a single person and set your mind on the Lord and He will give you peace (Isaiah 26:3). Truly, it may seem hard, but you will be wowed when God changes your story. You also will be celebrated. You also will hold your children. You also will smile and say: “Boy! Is God not faithful?” Till then, trust God. Hold still. Apply wisdom. And be happy for others. You’re blessed.

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