9 Ways to Deal With Comparison in a Relationship
In an earlier post, which you can find here, we looked in detail at the trap called comparison. We saw what it meant and its potential to destroy relationships. We also saw that the Bible says that those who compare themselves to others are unwise (2 Cor. 10:12). Now, you may be wondering: what do I do since I am constantly falling into this trap? Is it possible to ditch this trap? What do I do when I am tempted to compare?
First off, you should know that, as established earlier, every single person is inclined to compare. It’s natural. But then, just because it’s natural does not mean it’s good or helpful. So what are you to do now?
I pray this piece enlightens you on the ways to ditch the comparison trap and enjoy a fulfilling relationship. Do get your notes ready, and let’s go!
Ways to Deal With Comparison in a Relationship
1. Identify what triggers you
Five minutes ago, you were having a nice time with your partner. Now, you’re mulling over the thought that his resources are meagre. Why? Two minutes ago, as he left for the bedroom, you picked up your device to catch up on the latest updates around the globe. Boom! Sheila and her wonderful, rich husband popped up flaunting their recent vacation (the one you have secretly prayed for, but could not afford). You are sad, but can’t place a finger on the reason why.
You know, most times, we do not just feel like comparing ourselves or our partners to others. Many times, something triggers it. A post on social media, a casual look out the window, a visit to a friend, or deep-seated insecurities you have carried since childhood that you have not healed from. If you will ever find help, you must come to terms with addressing the root problem. Dig it out and you can plant new seeds.
2. Challenge every negative thought
You will agree with me that comparison starts with little thoughts that the enemy plants in our minds that, not long before, become strongholds that take the grace of God to overcome. It all starts with a harmless, “Look at your sister. She’s so good at everything she does.” Or “Think about your ex, Dave. He was so good at giving you presents. Your husband, Rob, hardly remembers your anniversary.”
Little by little, these thoughts compound and you begin to fuel resentment. Can I tell you something for free? When those thoughts come, you are not obligated to think about them. Rather, submit them to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5), and tell yourself, you are unique just the way you are, so is your partner and the relationship. As you continue in this, you will discover more freedom and help than you can realize.
3. Own your unique story
One thing I have learned is that we are all unique (Ps. 139:14). We all have our unique stories. Your relationship is unique, and so is your partner. To compare yourself, partner, or relationship with another will be to stand before the Almighty demanding why He made you, your partner, or your relationship the way it is. And you know what? No one has that right (Rom. 9:20).
The quicker you learn that the way you are made, the partner you have (as long as it is according to God’s will) has been crafted to suit God’s divine purposes for you, the more unwilling you will be to compare. Rather, you will ask yourself: What are the ways I can fully participate in my own unique story to make it more interesting and to give God the glory He desires to see (1 Cor. 10:31)?
4. Be grateful
In the previous post, we established that comparison often stems from a place of discontent and ingratitude for what one has. I believe that God implores us to give thanks because there will surely be reasons that will make us reluctant to give Him thanks (1 Thess. 5:18). It may be a personality quirk your partner has, your finances or a lack of the blessing of kids, so you feel sad when you compare yourself to others around you.
The truth is, learning to be grateful is not easy, but it is worthwhile. Even in the circumstances that seem unlikely, choose to thank God. Remember that what you have now is an answered prayer that you were once grateful for. Look for the positives in yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and thank God for them. The good thing is that as you do this, God will open your eyes to see the many blessings lurking around. Choose to be grateful.
5. Talk it out
If there is something your partner does that sets you up, why don’t you talk about it? I get it. No one likes the hard conversations. But we must have them if we must make progress. Choose a convenient time, maybe on a walk, or before bed, and talk it out. You may be surprised to know that your partner never knew that he or she had been offending you in that manner. Or that he or she was not living up to your expectations.
You can also seek the help of a trusted Christian counselor, a discipler, or a mature Christian friend who can help you with this. Look, the comparison ditch is common. It happens to the best of us. So, you are not alone. Maybe what you need is a community where people can be real with their struggles and progress, especially those whose relationships you admire (Prob. 27:17). Find them and yeah, talk it out. Our good God will help you.
6. Turn your negative feelings into right action (Gal. 6:4)
When I was younger, I would hear this ‘proverb’ quoted: The grass is greener on the other side. Now, I know a better version of it: the grass is greener where you water it. It is the same with your relationship. Rather than comparing yourself, your partner, or your relationship to the picture-perfect slides on social media, why don’t you water your relationship?
You don’t like your shape, head to the gym. Your resources suck? Why don’t you get a job or start a business? You don’t like how your home looks? Redesign it. But I must warn you. Human desires are insatiable. If you keep acting just because you want to keep up with some standard others have set, you will lose yourself, and maybe even your partner and the relationship. Rather, water what needs to be watered, and be content with what needs time to grow. Capish?
7. Remember that no one’s perfect
Sounds simple? But it’s so easy to miss. You did not get married to a saint who’s never made mistakes, or who does not have weaknesses. You got married to a human-a child of God, but who is not God Himself. So cut your partner some slack. Also, cut yourself some slack. No matter how hard you try, there will always be someone ‘prettier,’ ‘richer,’ ‘thinner’ or more sophisticated than you.
It’s not something wrong you are doing (as long as you’re doing the right thing). That’s just the way God made society so we can depend on each other. As long as both of you are actively making progress towards growth, you will be fine. Rather than pinpoint the wrongs, like we said above, water your garden and you will reap the fruits.
8. Before you conclude, look closely
Isn’t it so easy to see the picture-perfect couple and just assume that their relationship is picture-perfect? Well, sorry to let you know, but no one picks their worst pictures to post. Everyone picks their best. And some people have honors in pretense. While it’s true that some people really do have good marriages and relationships, you should not be in a hurry to conclude just from a post or something.
Does this mean that you only look for the bad in every relationship you see? Not at all. But it means that you guard your heart enough to not get a heart attack over a simple hug in a highlight reel! (Prov. 4:23) And just so you know, there is nothing wrong with managing your feed if it constantly causes you to compare. You must not leave it completely, but you can limit your exposure. At least, maybe until you have regained your identity, sanity, or have a stronger belief in your relationship.
9. Strengthen your relationship with God
At its root, comparison stems from a place of discontent, which can also be traced to a lack of identity. Many times, we compare ourselves to others or our relationships to others because we feel that God did not do a good job in giving us what we have or making us who we are. But I can tell you this: when your identity is rooted in Christ, you will not be a slave to comparison.
Even if the thoughts come – because they surely will – you will have the power to cast them down. There’s just a feeling of security and peace that comes from a place of knowledge of a right standing with God. And anyone can have it. But you must draw near. Hey, He will too (Heb. 10:22, Jas. 4:8).
To conclude, there will certainly always be someone who seems “better” than you. But to choose the negative side of comparison is a choice you have to make. Rather than compare, recognize what triggers you, challenge every negative thought, talk it out, look closely before you conclude, remember that no one is perfect, and channel whatever negative feelings you may have into right action.
Never forget that you are unique in God’s eyes. And if God has made you unique, so is your story. So c’mon, raise those hands, look up to God, and give him praise and thanks. He deserves it, and it’s beneficial for you.
To a gem and more!
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