Tara glanced cursorily at the speech she had scribbled for the fifth time in three minutes. For some reason, it did not make sense. She read it aloud to herself as she practiced. A minute later, it was on a pile of similar disorganized papers in her trash can. Exhausted, she headed for her restroom for a shower, until she caught up with her.
It wasn’t that her papers were not lucid enough, she thought, as she stared at herself in the mirror. It was that she thought herself a failure, no matter what she did—even when the world thought her a huge success. And right there, she could swear she saw her eight-year-old self with puffy eyes enervated from sobbing, staring at her.
All of a sudden, the words came like a cataclysm: “You’re such a failure!” “You never do anything right!” “Why are you so dumb?!” “Can’t you just be like her?” And right there, she crumbled. How could she repeatedly fall into the same cycle over and over again?
Maybe this story resonates with you. It probably makes you remember some awful parts of your growing up that you would rather wish away. For most people, many of the wounds they carry as adults were inflicted while they were still kids.
Some of these wounds are the sort that quietly chip away at the self-confidence of kids and produce timid, insecure adults. Sadly, many parents and caregivers, out of ignorance or a transmission of the very patterns they were exposed to, cause the hurt without ever realizing it. Or do, but when it is too late.
Self-confidence is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child. It shapes how they see themselves, how they relate to others, and how they navigate life’s challenges. Children who grow up secure in both love and identity are more likely to become emotionally healthy, resilient, and grounded adults.
So maybe you’re a parent who may have messed up but wants to do differently, or you are one looking for other ways to fan the flame you have already lit, or maybe you are not yet a parent, but you plan to raise self-confident kids, then this article will help you greatly.
It will expose you to ways you can intentionally instill self-confidence in your kids—of course, with God’s help.
But before we continue, let us see what self-confidence means, especially for a child of God.
Self-confidence is trusting your ability, worth, and capacity while remaining grounded in truth. It is the healthy belief that you are capable, valuable, and able to handle life’s situations, challenges, or responsibilities without constantly being controlled by fear, insecurity, or self-doubt.
It affects how you see yourself, speak, make decisions, relate with others, and respond to failure or criticism. It should not be mistaken for pride. In fact, true confidence comes from dependence on God (Phil. 4:13).
For your kids, instilling self-confidence is not just about helping them believe in themselves. It is about helping them understand who they are in God and living out that reality. So with that said, how do you instill this self-confidence? Do read on.
Ways Parents Can Instill Self-Confidence in Their Children
1. Affirm Their Identity Early and Consistently
Some people go through life believing that they are foolish, not smart, ugly, and unworthy. Thus, they unintentionally behave so, diminishing their confidence. If you trace closely, most of these words were spoken to them early on in their childhood. As a parent, if you desire to raise confident kids, then you must help them know who they are in Christ very early on. That is the Truth that can set them free (Jn. 4:16; 8:32).
Let your children know that they are valued, loved, and created on and for a purpose. It shapes their outlook on life and gives them courage. Let your kids be able to say with confidence: I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14).
2. Speak Blessings, Not Labels
This follows closely from the point above. A child who is constantly criticized grows up believing that he or she is a chump. Sometimes, it looks like discipline, but these words quietly shape their identity and reality. So speak differently. Speak blessings over your kids.
Speak what you desire to see accomplished in their lives, even when they don’t look like or see it yet, just like the Lord did to Gideon (Judges 6:12,15). Then back it up with powerful scriptures. You could even make their rooms scream their identity. Again, don’t hold compliments back. When you notice cachets in them, praise them for it. It makes them more confident, I tell you.
3. Show Unconditional Love (Not Performance-Based Love)
We all want our children to do well. We want them to excel. Sometimes, it’s because we want to carry that badge of pride that our kids are worth it. However, there’s a possibility of beginning to show love only when your kids perform. They only get hugs when they ace their results, or when they win the pageantry, or when they gain admission to study a professional course.
If your kids know that they receive love only when they perform, then they will become insecure, unconfident individuals who believe that love must be earned to be true. Do differently. Love them for who they are, not only for what they do, just as the Father does (Rom. 5:8).
4. Encourage Effort, Not Just Results
Have you noticed that a child who is constantly praised only for winning becomes scared of losing? These children become averse to failure because they believe that failure is final and disqualifying. However, we all know that life is not always an all-time high, and your kids need to be mentally prepared.
How do you do this? Encourage their process. Tell them you are proud of them even for just trying, but they can do better. Encourage them to work at everything with all their hearts as unto the Lord (Col. 3:23), and then leave the outcome to Him. This improves their mood and increases their resilience.
5. Allow Them to Try, Fail, and Learn
As a parent, you probably want what is best for your child. Not probably. That’s what you want. You do not want them to make the same mistakes you made or tread the wrong path. This is truly beautiful. But sometimes, overprotection is just as fatal as no protection at all.
If you continue trying to protect your kids from every pain in life, then they will be mama’s boys and girls, incapable of leading their own lives or making their own decisions. Rather, give advice. Support. Pray. But let your kids do it by themselves, but with age-appropriate conditions. They will learn better from their own mistakes.
6. Listen to Them and Validate Their Feelings
One reason we feel heard and seen by God, our Father, is because He hears us, understands us, and meets us where we are (Heb. 4:15-16; Ps. 103:13-14). Children look up to their parents. They desire to feel heard and seen. It improves their ability to be able to express themselves.
If your child feels constantly shut in, he or she may lack the confidence to speak and make his or her voice heard. This is because they feel unimportant, afraid, or that they will be shut in or shouted at too. Be a safe space for your kids. Give a listening ear rather than dismissing every thought as petulance (Jas. 1:19). There’s a ton of things to handle all at once, but God gives grace, yeah?
7. Avoid Comparison and Celebrate Uniqueness
A child who grows up hearing, “Why can’t you just be like her?” “Is his head better than yours?” “Learn to do things the way Kid B does,” hardly improves, but becomes naturally anxious and unconfident. Even if this child has wonderful strengths, gifts, and qualities, such a child is prone to always belittle them and think that others are better.
When opportunities come that the child is qualified for, the ringtone ingeminated in his or her past comes to mind again. We must learn that each child is unique just the way God has made him or her to be (Ps. 139:14). Not every child excels in everything, and some develop slowly. Compare their progress with their past and let them know you’re their biggest aficionado.
8. Give Them Responsibility and Trust
Confidence is built from doing. The more a child is trusted with age-appropriate responsibilities like chores, decision making, leadership roles, and does them well, not only that, but receives praise from you as a parent for doing them, the greater his or her tendency to do more.
Little wins get registered in the child’s mind as something accomplished, and the brain’s reward system prepares the child to handle greater tasks with more confidence and a strong belief in his or her capabilities. Remember that the easier it is for them to be faithful in little, the easier it will also be for them to be faithful in much (Lk. 16:10).
9. Model Confidence and Faith
Have you seen how easy it is for little kids at home or school to mimic what is done around them? Confidence is also contagious. If you want to raise confident kids, be a paragon of confidence. When confronted with an issue, let your kids see you strong on your knees.
Let them hear you affirm your identity in Christ. Let them not hear you speak negatively or derogatorily about yourself. When Paul encouraged his spiritual son, Timothy, to be confident and not timid (2 Tim. 1:6-7; 1 Tim. 4:12), I doubt that Timothy would have had a hard time obeying since he was learning from the best.
10. Teach Them to Rely on God, Not Just Themselves
The mistake many of us make is that we see confidence as a sort of independence where we call the shots in our lives and put ourselves in the faces of others. But true confidence is not actually reliance on strength, beauty, personality, or wealth.
True confidence is found in relying on the Rock of Ages, who can keep you firm in the storms of life (Ps. 125:1; Matt. 7:24-25). It is God-fidence (Phil. 4:13), and this is not a sign of weakness. It is your source of greatest strength. Teach these to your kids. Let them see how it was exemplified in the lives of biblical figures like David and Esther (1 Sam. 17:45; Esth. 4:16). Let their confidence come from the One who can never be shaken.
Finally, raising self-confident kids is germane. It helps kids relate better with others, become more resilient and emotionally healthy, and also helps them have a better understanding of who they are in Christ. But this doesn’t mean that it comes easy. This is why we must rely on the Lord for grace and wisdom (Heb. 4:16; Jas. 1:5). He is the best Parent ever.
And if you have messed up as a parent, resist the urge to condemn yourself. Find grace from the Father. Let Him heal you and your kids, and show you how to live the Confident-way. You are amazing, I tell you. To God-fidence!
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