Sara lived all her life hiding. She was withdrawn, quiet, and reticent. Everyone desired to unravel her, but she was a mystery. One would think that she just hated people, but deep down, she hated what people could do. She had watched her parents live a ruckus all her days, and she learned early on that love was not worth it. Love only hurt like home.
Does Sara’s story resonate with you? Maybe not. Maybe you’re like Jenn who was abused when she was younger, and so grew up to be a control freak because that was when she finally had some power. Or maybe you’re like Priscilla who loved her partner with all she had, supported him, and abandoned her dreams for him, only to be faced with betrayal and regret.
Whichever story strikes a chord within you, however slightly, it is obvious that in some way, we are all wounded. Sometimes, we try to ignore and suppress it, but when the chips are down, there it is staring back at us. It often finds a way to rear its ugly head in places where it should not, like our relationships. You wonder why you behave in certain ways, but you feel incapable of stopping them.
You know what? I totally get you. And there’s help for you, by God’s grace. As you read this piece that discusses ways to heal the wounds we carry into love, I enjoin you to open your heart and decide to commit to the process of healing. Don’t think that it doesn’t matter. It does, even for your sake, for others’ sake, and yes, for God’s sake. I know it hurts, but maybe, just maybe, the Healer is here. I pray you’re blessed while reading. Do read on!
Ways to Heal the Wounds We Carry Into Love
1. Acknowledge That You Are Wounded
Behind every passive “I’m fine” spoken repeatedly is usually a person wounded at the other end. Many people are carrying deep emotional wounds they never mention that surface in the way they behave in their relationships without their knowing it.
For example, you may discover that you are unnecessarily jealous, or you often withdraw for no reason, or you are manipulative, or you feel the need to control your partner and everything in your relationship. Maybe it’s not any of these, but you find yourself constantly needing reassurance of love from your partner even when it’s already freely given. And other times, it’s just the memories of our past that haunts us.
Many of us often minimize the pain and oftentimes try to escape it with the busyness of work or social media. But deep down, when it’s just us or when situations trigger it, we remember that we have been hurt. As simple as it may sound, the first step towards healing is acknowledging that you are hurt. That you are wounded.
But not just that, you need help. When you realize this, you are free not to rush through it but to truly grieve your hurt and all it has cost you without immediately trying to find the lesson in it. God desires truth in the innermost parts of our being (Ps. 51:6). Telling the truth to ourselves sets us on the path of healing.
2. Involve God In The Process
Knowing the truth and telling it to ourselves can bring memories of deep pain. We remember things we wished never happened, things we wish had been done differently, things we don’t understand and feel angry about.
When we feel this way, it is important that we turn to our Father and Friend, God with every feeling we’ve got. Pour out your heart to Him. He’s your refuge (Ps. 62:8). Your safe space. You don’t have to bottle it up or keep any part out because it sounds cringe or so you can sound acceptable in His sight. Tell Him everything honestly (1 Pet. 5:7; Ps. 55:22).
He understands, and He desires to help you (Heb. 4:15-16). You may feel that He already knows or, worse, that He caused it, but that’s spurious. He doesn’t willingly afflict anyone (Lam. 3:33), but hey, we live in a broken world. Well, why can’t He just fix it then? You may think.
That’s not how it works, but He’s a good God who sees you — the real, broken you no one else sees (Gen. 16:13), and if you will let Him, He will meet you right where you are and mend what life has torn and broken in you for that is who He is — the Healer (Ps. 34:18, 147:3). As Elisabeth Elliot says: Leave it all in the hands that were wounded for you (Isa. 53:5). Involve Him in the process. He loves you truly and nothing can separate you from His love (Jn. 3:16; Jer. 31:3; Rom. 8:38-39).
3. Identify the Specific Nature and Source of Your Wounds
If you fall off a tree, you may likely bruise your knee, and get a wound. Emotional wounds are harder to diagnose because they are hidden deep inside and manifest themselves in our behavior. To heal, it is expedient that you not only acknowledge that you are wounded, but that you discern the nature of these wounds and trace them to their origins.
Are you controlling because your voice was consistently silenced when you were younger? Are you always monitoring and suspicious because you have been betrayed before? Do you feel that no one could ever love you because you were often rejected in the past?
Get a journal and write your thoughts. Speak with someone if necessary. Let these questions guide you: What is the most painful relational experience I have had — and how has it shaped what I expect from relationships now? What patterns do I notice recurring in my relationships that I cannot fully explain by the circumstances alone?
What do I find most difficult to trust a partner with — and where did that difficulty originate? When I am most reactive or most defensive in a relationship, what is being triggered — and what does it remind me of? Let the Lord search your heart and probe your mind (Ps. 139:23-24). It’s healing.
4. Break the Agreement With the Lies the Wound Told You
We don’t just wake up one morning and choose a lie to revolve our lives around. Oftentimes, the lies we believe are things that we have consistently experienced through deep pain and from the actions of others towards us that have shaped our understanding of God, ourselves, others (like our partners), and love itself. For example, you may think:
“I am not enough,” “I cannot trust anyone,” “Love always ends in pain,” “I am fundamentally unlovable,” “I must earn love through performance.” These sound and feel true because they have been your reality for so long. But hey, just because an experience taught you something doesn’t mean it’s valid.
The Truth we hold onto is Jesus and His Word (Jn. 1:1, 14:6, 17:17; Eph. 6:17). So every thought or imagination that does not line up with what He says is wrong, no matter how right it seems, and it needs to be cast at His feet and replaced with the knowledge of His Truth (2 Cor. 10:3-5). His Truth is liberating, friend.
Immerse yourself in His Word (2 Tim. 2:15; Josh. 1:8). Declare His promises over your life and let the Holy Spirit do the finishing work (Job 22:28; 2 Cor. 4:13). Remember: You will know the truth, and it will set you FREE! (Jn. 8:31-32)
5. Seek Help And Support
When you have been hurt deeply and have been wounded long enough, it is easy to retreat into a shell and isolate yourself from the million others who would only add salt to the injury. It’s actually understandable. We live in a digital age, and you recoil at the thought of seeing a story you have preserved with your life making the headlines.
But then, just because it’s understandable doesn’t mean that it is profitable. The enemy likes to convince us that we do not need people, but everything about God teaches us that we were made for community (Eccl. 4:9-10; Prov. 27:17).
For you, healing may require the boldness to finally open up to a trusted pastor, mature believer, spiritual mentor, counsellor, therapist, or friend(s). You remember the verse that enjoins us to confess our faults and pray for each other that we may be healed? (Jas. 5:16) It wasn’t put there by chance. It was the early church’s lived experience.
While God is our ultimate Healer (Ex. 15:26), sometimes He sends His representatives that we may understand His heart towards us. Sincerely ask the Lord to lead you to them, grant you the wisdom and courage to share, and the grace not to make idols of whoever He leads you to (Jas. 1:5; Rom. 8:14).
6. Establish New Patterns Through Deliberate Practice
When we invite Jesus into our hearts to be Lord and Saviour, our spirit is saved and we are a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). But it doesn’t mean that all our bad behavior also vanishes at that instant.
No, we begin a process of sanctification pioneered by God’s Holy Spirit in us through a progressive renewal of our minds with God’s Word (Rom. 6:22, 12:2; 2 Cor. 3:18). It’s the same application to healing. There are wound-driven patterns you are predisposed to exhibiting from experiences you have repeatedly been exposed to in your past.
If you desire to heal, then you must co-operate with the Holy Spirit to intentionally disrupt the old script so that a new you will emerge. For example, you may need to learn how to let people in a little closer and trust them gradually.
You may also need to learn how to communicate your needs and feelings genuinely so you can receive help, and how to receive the love that is freely given to you without a desire to immediately reciprocate. This will take time, yes, but if you commit to it, you will experience a copious supply of grace (2 Cor. 12:9).
7. Learn to Distinguish the Present From the Past
Many people who are wounded punish the present for what happened in the past. You may have a current partner who is great and amazing, but you may tend to interpret minor gaffes through wounded eyes.
For example, when a partner does not respond to a message on time even if there are genuine reasons behind it, you may think he is no longer interested and wants to call it quits. This is an abandonment wound. Or she may be having a difficult day and so may be quiet and withdrawn. If you are battling a rejection wound, you may take it that she doesn’t want you anymore.
One thing that you must learn is that whenever a situation pops up and you are tempted to react, pause, honestly ask yourself, and evaluate: Is this happening now, or does it remind me of what happened then?
You have to break ties with your past as God graciously enables you to, and the good thing is that God is always up to something good and new (Isa. 43:18-19). But you must ask for new eyes that see, or you may miss Eden right in front of you because your mind is set on the hell you’ve been through.
8. Let Go
It is palpable that you are wounded because you have been hurt by someone else. You may unwittingly declare that you have moved on, but somewhere deep down, you may silently nurse resentment. If you must heal, you must start with a choice to forgive — genuinely, even without your offender apologizing.
It doesn’t mean that you pretend that the pain doesn’t exist, or you consistently condone bad and unrepentant behavior in a bid to reconcile. No. It simply means that you decide to no longer be bound by the self-inflicted chains of unforgiveness. Is this easy? No.
Will you never remember the hurt because you have chosen to forgive? No still. But then, you can base your forgiveness not on the offender’s deserving it, but on the unmerited forgiveness you have also received from Christ (Eph. 4:32; Matt. 6:14; Col. 3:13), and in the belief of God’s sovereignty to work all things out for your good and His glory as He did in the life of His servant, Joseph (Gen. 50:17-20).
And there’s something beautiful about the Lord. He doesn’t expect us to manufacture good behavior or live the Life of Christ all by ourselves. We can’t. So you are free to tell your Father about the true state of your heart and trust Him to enable you to do that which is required and beneficial for you (Heb. 4:15-16; Phil. 2:13). Take the step. It’s worth it, friend.
9. Rebuild Trust — Gradually And Wisely
Nothing hurts like being struck by someone you trusted with your life. It can be your dad or mom, or your spouse, or ex-lover, or current partner. When you have been hurt, trust is broken, and you may think that trusting others is inane. After all, it only leads to hurt.
So you shy away from every act of vulnerability and build walls so high that no one gets a chance to come in to see or know the real you. You’re protecting yourself, or so you think. But hey, are you? You may be “safe” but are you “alive” — fully? If you must heal, then you must work with the Holy Spirit to grant you the courage to trust again. And this must not be a total tempestuous trusting of others.
No. First, it begins with learning to trust the Lord, which begins with having an accurate picture of Him — that He is loving, faithful, and good no matter what betides you (Ex. 34:6-7). When you wholly trust the Lord and His intentions for you, you are free to extend that trust to others, even with an ancillary gap for their potential disappointments.
But in trusting, you must be careful and discerning. When you trust others again, and it is honored, trust harder. If it is not, commit it to the Lord, who can still work it out for your good and His glory (Rom. 8:28). The Lord is trustworthy, friend (2 Sam. 7:28). You don’t have to stay afraid. You are your Father’s child. His love sends every fear out of doors (1 Jn. 4:18). Trust Him (Ps. 9:10).
10. Allow God to Redefine What Love Looks Like
When you’re wounded, you tend to interpret people, the world, and love itself through the eyes of pain. Yes, what happened to you is real, and we’re not cursorily dismissing it as though it were your fault, you’re weak or it doesn’t matter. However, although you have repeatedly experienced hurt in the name of love, that doesn’t mean that love itself is bad.
At least, not True Love. God is true love (1 Jn. 4:8). Throughout this piece, we have consistently mentioned God because He is the One who holds all things together (Col. 1:17). He’s the One who begins the work of healing in you, grants you the grace to follow through, and faithfully completes what He has started in you (Phil. 1:6, 2:13).
Yes, you can meet a good partner who can transform your understanding of what it means to be loved. But even at that, he or she is only human — imperfect, frail, and fickle. But there’s Love that reaches down to the very recesses of your soul. One that is not conditional, exhausting, or performative (Rom. 5:8; 1 Jn. 4:10). It just is.
That’s the Love you need that will transform your heart, heal you, and open your heart to love others again (even a partner) from the experience of the love you have received (1 Jn. 4:19). This Lover is your God. Your Savior. Jesus. Stop resisting already. Let Love love you!
Finally, I would like you to know that healing is very much possible no matter how deeply rooted your wounds are. It doesn’t lie in how rigidly you follow the rules but in how yielded you are to the Healer as He enables you and heals what life has torn. He desires to open your heart again so you can be free to love Him and others fully, including the partner He will bring along your path in due time.
And yes, don’t be so hard on yourself. Healing takes time. Just be intentional and committed to the process, for even when you falter, you will rise again stronger (Prov. 24:16; Ps. 37:23-24). I’ll be here cheering you on all the way. You’re blessed, friend!
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