How Healthy Is It To Share My Marriage Issues With Family?
I’ve heard that the first advice mothers give to their children about to marry is that they should protect their marriage issues as much as they can from family. I really don’t know how true that is, because my parents didn’t give me that advice. But I’ve heard elderly spouses say that over and over. The reason being that, when a marriage is going through hard times–arguments, misunderstandings, etc.–and those issues are shared with the extended family members, they tend to take sides. The man’s family obviously would support the man while the woman’s family supports the woman. When the couple in question resolves the issue between them and makes peace, you find that the family members hold on to the issues and find it difficult to move past it.
In the light of that, nobody really wants their family to hold a grudge against their spouse and so couples play it safe by not divulging every marital issue with their family. One would also argue that it’s risky not to put your family in the know of what happens in your marriage, especially when it comes down to domestic abuse. We have seen women and men almost die in silence just in the name of protecting their spouse from family interference, so the question would be at what point do you draw the line?
While I’m totally not against sharing marital issues with family, it would be important to ask yourself certain questions before you begin.
What’s my objective, what do I intend to achieve with this?
Are my family members in the right place emotionally, psychologically and physically to give me the support I need?
Can they guarantee an objective point of view or would they let their emotions and bias take over the issues?
The Intent Of Marriage
Remember that the original intent of marriage was for a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife (Genesis 2:24). That also means that the couples are together to start building their own new community and so opening your marital issues to extended family members shouldn’t be a ready to use option except when there’s no choice at all.
The Support System
Over the course of my life, I realized that people who have a support system survive better in life and everyone wishes for their extended family to be that support for them. But I dare say not in all situations, depending on the type of family members you have. People have resorted to friends or professionals to help them navigate marital challenges as against their family members. Like they say, different strokes for different folks.
The Uniqueness
Every marriage is unique and does have its challenges from time to time. A mature couple sees their challenges as a phase they have to go through together. Running to one’s parents for counsel at every little turn is a no-no because the parents or family members may compound the problems in a bid to help. The techniques used to solve their own problems may not be the techniques you need to solve yours.
While making a decision to share your marital problems or not to share with family, it’s worthy of note that once that problem is shared, you lose control over the information. You cannot guarantee that the family members you told won’t tell other people and then it becomes public knowledge. You also do not want a pity party so ultimately the ball falls back to your court to weigh your options and pick what’s best for you.
Authored By BeeCee Ugboh For Smartcouples.net. Copyright 2020 © All Rights Reserved.
Thank you so much for giving us such a beautiful article .Each person lives in one family and has some family relationships. Also there are some family rules that every family member has to adhere to. At present, these families have some strange rules that children of the ages face a lot of problems to follow. Almost every parent wants their son and daughter to marry the person they like. And they also feel that the children nowadays have not reached the age of decision-making. However, I have never encountered such problems in my personal life. I have met my favorite man in my life and am blessed with him .And I want everyone to have happiness in their lives, surrounded by their loved ones.
Glad to hear that Beecee’s article ministered to you, Parveen. Thanks for sharing it with us
Hey, You are right. Every marriage is unique and does have its challenges from time to time. A mature couple sees their challenges as a phase they have to go through together. While making a decision to share our marital problems or not to share with family, it’s worthy of note that once that problem is shared, we lose control over the information. It is also true. Your story helped me a lot.
Great to hear your position, Arzu. Thanks for your input.
Many thanks to you first for giving us such a beautiful article. Everyone lives in the family and they have to obey some family rules. But there are some strange rules in the family, Every parent thinks their experience is too much and they will be able to find the right partner for their progeny. some boys and girls accept the parents’ decision and they find a mate accordingly. Again, some boys get married for their own choice and they will be happy. I am one of them because I am married to my own choice and I am very happy
You made some good points there, Dave. Thanks for your contribution. Happy new year to you and yours.
I think every married couple experiences challenges but they are too often judged on by their parents’ marriages and for some people, their parents have solid marriages so there’s always a standard to live up to.
I also think the concept of marriage has changed somewhat over the years because divorce has become a lot more commonplace and a lot cheaper than it ever has been.
Sharing issues with family should only be done if they can be objective and not take sides
Thanks, Kozak for the comment. Your own view is very much welcome.
Thanks for the post about the family. Maybe it is better not to divulge family secrets because then the family becomes weak. The fewer people know the private secrets, the better for the family because no one interferes in the relationship. I know this in my own example. The most important thing in a marriage is the love between husband and wife
I share your view too, Rose. Thanks for coming by. Have a great weekend.
My rule when it comes to my marriage is that my family doesn’t need to know all the petty fights we have. They are usually nothing and are resolved quickly. The reason parents shouldn’t get involved is that they are too subjective. However, when it comes to physical abuse I strongly hold that family should get involved. No-one should be in an abusive marriage!
Thanks, Biizy for sharing your thoughts with us.
Hello Beecee. Thank you for sharing this marriage saving post. Well, I never supported taking marital issues to family members or parents because most parents and family members are not matured enough to handle your family in a way that will bring peace and harmony at last. Maybe your mother does not like your husband in the first place, taking issues regarding your husband to your mother would be disastrous.
The best way is to weigh options just as you have said. It’d be better if we are matured enough to handle our misunderstandings and sort things out by ourselves because we never can predict the outcome of taking issues outside to a third party be it a family member, friend or total strangers.
Yeah, quite an interesting topic that Beecee put together. And I quite agree with your stance too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
I thought this is an interesting topic for anyone who is attached.
Personally, growing up in quite a big family, I don’t really like sharing my stories with my family members. There are a few factors. One is that I do not like to burden my family with my own relationship issues and secondly, what I learnt through life lessons is that life has no secrets. I find that sometimes human beings just don’t keep secrets well.
On the other hand, sometimes, it means a lot to get a third person’s point of view should any issue arise in a marriage. However, at the end of the day, it is the individual who has to make his or her decision whether it’s a good idea to share his or her marriage issues with the family.
Thanks Dave, for sharing your thoughts. I wish you much of success with the one you love.
The title of this article got my attention. The question of how healthy is it to share my marriage issues with the family has been one that I have asked myself in the past and lived through. Depending on the family member, it can be a good thing (i.e. healthy) or it can be unhealthy if it is the wrong one.
Being frank, I have all kinds of family members, some who like to gossip, some who really do not care (but relish when they know other family members may be having problems), and the ones that really do care and will hold your issues to themselves.
You are right to suggest that people should think long and hard before sharing as there are those in the family that will cause more harm than help and they will spread rumors and half-truths. I almost would rather find a close friend who I trust if I wanted to share something.
I concur with what you said, NImrodngy. Beecee did a good job. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Have a great weekend, Nim.
Hello. You really got me with this article.
First of all, I want to say that I totally agree with you. Neither my parents told me or forced me to keep my marriage in a hidden place, if I may say so. At the beginning of the marriage I had problems and I mean that since we made friends and started sharing our marriage, everything is going very well. Sometimes I argue with my wife and tell her if she needs to talk to someone other than me, she can. Anything that is good for the couple, we must accept it. The most important thing is to leave the pride aside. If every couple does this, I can guarantee that that couple will be happy until they will get old.
Wish you all the best and a happy new year.
Hello Jake, thanks for sharing your quotes with us. A word, they say, is enough for the WISE.
Hi, a good quote I like is “a listening ear is also a running mouth “. I have tried telling my personal problems and feelings to my sister and guess what she did? She told everyone in my family.
There is one more quote I will share. When you tell others about your problems, 80 % don’t care and the other 20 percent are glad you have them.
Granted Katja! Beecee said “different strokes for different folks”. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Katja.
A great post, thank you for sharing it. I guess I am more on the side of keeping things between me and my partner. Even though I can see benefits of sharing difficulties with family, the lost control over the information, possibility of being further shared and pure pressure or judgment that can come with it, makes it not worth it for me.
Hi Antonio, Beecee wrote an interesting piece. Yes, the good and bad times are all seasons in marriage. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hi Beecee
Anybody who has been married knows that there are good times and there are bad times. Times when you wonder why you married in the first place and sometimes I got to admit, you wonder if they should be alive. The problem is who you discuss your problems with your friends, family or complete strangers. I agree talking with your family can be dangerous as they can be very judgemental, giving advice which is often not beneficial to both parties but can work in their own favour. You will also not be totally honest, keep things back and this can make the situation worse.
No to solve martial problems you need to talk to the martial counsellors or members of the clergy or important figures in your faith. I prefer talking to strangers, as you can be more honest.
Thanks
Antonio
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Hi Shanta, thanks for that beautiful piece. As you said, I also wish you and “everyone to have happiness in their lives, surrounded by their loved ones.” Have a great day, Shanta.