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I sat there. A bit flummoxed and struggling to concentrate. He was at the opposite corner of the room from where I was. Quiet and poised, he nestled comfortably in an armchair. I scribbled a few notes on paper. This must be something. It had never happened before. Must have been what I saw last night in the movies. It was love at first sight!
He fit my description of my knight in shining armor. He was tall, dark, and handsome. Wait a minute, was he walking towards me? I held my breath for a few seconds before introducing myself with courtesy. I admired how poignant he was–how he could articulate his thoughts. I was truly in love.
Over the next few months, I got to know him better. I wasn’t so comfortable with what I was learning about him. There was a feud within me, but I tried to fight it. He was too good to be true. How could I resist his charm, charisma, or carriage?
Too often than not, we find ourselves in a dilemma. We meet people and are genuinely attracted to them–especially if they fit our preconceived idea of perfect, or ideal. Attraction is not bad. In fact, it is necessary to sustain some aspects in a relationship. The mistake rather lies in dwelling on what’s outside without checking what’s inside.
In the Bible, we see God in many instances preferring the heart of a man over his or her physical attributes. We see it in the lives of David, Jesus, Ruth, and countless others too many to mention here (1 Sam. 16:6, 7,12; Isa. 53:2-5; Ruth 2:10-12, 3:11). Countless times, Jesus tells us that it’s what’s in a man that makes the man (Matt. 23:26, 28; Lk. 6:45).
Yet many people fall into the trap of choosing a partner solely based on his or her physical appearance. Why is this so? That would be discussed, probably in another post. But the focus of this piece is to give you reasons why judging by physical appearance alone can be deceiving, and why it does not suffice when choosing a partner. I pray that it blesses your heart. Do read on.
Reasons Why Physical Appearance Alone Does Not Suffice When Choosing a Partner
1. Physical Beauty Fades, But Character Endures
Have you ever wondered what you would look like when you are older? Now, think about how your partner will look. It’s true that there is makeup and different anti-aging therapies, but no matter how hard we try, our beauty fades.
The macho figure could get flabby. The 8-figure that was so palpable can get worn down after you have kids. The model will have wrinkles, and the superstar, grey hairs. And even if you can preserve your youth, let’s face reality. We don’t pray for sickness, but what if one occurs that alters your “beauty”?
Will there still be love? Would your marriage still hold together? This is why you must place character over physical appearance alone in your quest for a partner (1 Pet. 3:3-4; 1 Tim. 2:9-10). It’s the inner man who does God’s will that is eternal (1 Jn. 2:17). Remember that.
2. Shared Values Shape a Stronger Foundation
When choosing a partner, it is expedient that you choose someone who has shared values with you, not just someone who looks the part.
This is because there will be major decisions that need to be made in your marital relationship, and there can be no progress if you are headed in opposite directions (Amos 3:3). You would need to ensure that your views concerning your faith, raising family, politics, finances and you name them are in sync.
It’s often true that opposites attract, but you need something that binds you together, rather than merely what is seen on the outside. So ask yourself: do the two of you agree?
3. Personal Growth and Spiritual Connection Hold Partners Together in Hard Times
The best things in life are built under intense pressure. Think about diamonds or pearls. It’s so with relationships. God often uses the things that try us to prove what is in us (1 Pet. 1:6-7; Jas. 1:2-4; Rom. 5:3-4). It’s not about prophesying doom, but there will be hard times and seasons in any relationship.
Now, what keeps you staying and standing strong in these times is not merely a fine face or a good haircut. Not that these are bad in themselves. But it’s what is beyond the surface–what is in the heart, that keeps a person standing when the odds are down.
So ask yourself? How does this person react under stress, pressure, or when things don’t go as planned? You need a rock-solid foundation if your marriage will stand the test of time (Lk. 6:48).
4. Emotional Connection and Compatibility Matter More Than Just Looks
We are “human beings”. Meaning that we have emotions. We feel joy, pain, sorrow, grief, fear, and disappointment. What makes a relationship meaningful is when there is companionship.
You really don’t just want a bedmate or party mate. You want a life mate. I got another perspective on what it means to be “naked and unashamed” as I read an article some weeks back. It means that your partner sees all of you. Not just your physical body, but your heart–your fears, drive, hopes, and dreams.
When you think about this, you realize that you need someone kind, caring, understanding, willing to listen and be present, rather than someone who only looks good on camera.
5. Attraction Can Be Developed, but Core Compatibility Can’t Be Forced
There is something I have observed. There are people I knew way back whose faces I saw and deemed “not beautiful” in my eyes. Pardon my use of words. But over time, as I got to know them better, my liking and admiration for them grew.
This does not mean that you should only go searching for the hearts of people. Chances are that you will see and be attracted to their faces first. But it should not stop there. Go deeper.
The more of a person you know, the more you fall in love with that person, especially if the person has inner beauty that radiates forth even without a very captivating face, shape, or stature.
6. “Looks-First” Relationships Can Be Dangerous
Relationships are built on a strong emotional connection. If you are only enthralled by looks, your relationship would be superficial–lacking in substance. You are going to live with a human being who has flaws, imperfections, and things he or she would rather hide.
If you only want a perfect partner, you may miss one of the purposes of marriage, which is for our sanctification (Eph. 5:25-27). And this could be detrimental because you can dismiss the right partner because he or she does not look the part, and go for one who does (who may even have one that is enhanced or artificial), only to regret it later.
If you had been back in Jesus’ day, and you were asked to be His bride, chances are that you would refuse. He didn’t look the part. But that didn’t mean He wasn’t the Messiah. Ask for eyes that see!
7. In God’s Perfect Design, Beauty and Substance Go Together
God intricately weaves each one of us (Ps. 139:13-16). We are made in His image (Gen. 1:27). We may think ourselves “ugly” or “unfit” according to the world’s standards, but that is not what God sees. When God looks at you, He doesn’t look at your face. He looks at your heart (1 Sam. 16:7).
That’s why He chose David–not because he was ruddy and handsome–but because his heart was after His heart (Acts 13:22). What God desires to see in you is how Christ has been formed in you. When He delights in your way, you can trust that He will bring the right partner who will complement and help you do what He will have you do.
And just so you know, our God is a gracious Father (Matt. 7:11). He knows your heart’s desires and will grant them if they are aligned with His will (Ps. 37:4). Just sincerely pursue Him above all else (Matt. 6:33).
To conclude, this piece has shown you that character, shared faith and values, emotional connection, compatibility, and a commitment to mutual personal growth sustain a relationship more than just looks.
Now, this does not mean that looks are innately bad or that they should not be improved. What it does mean is that you can be attracted to the looks, but you should be glued to the heart.
Let this paraphrase (mine) from 1 Peter 3:3-4 serve as a guide as you are on the lookout:
“Let the beauty of the one you seek not be external… but let it be the hidden person of the heart.”
I hope this helped. Stay blessed!
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